No news

None today; just an intense bunch of emotions.

Chow time!

Sorry the picture is so poor. More good ones will arrive as Ms. Barbara is going over Friday to puppy sit!

Faith

A friend of mine lost her job the other day. She has many years in recovery, and she is now, as she says, having to practice what she preaches. She said she told her sponslings over the years, "Don't write the end of the story before you know the end of the story." She is now having to follow that advice.

Too often when things get tough, I believe the worst. I catastrophize and imagine the worst. It is tempting, when I get into drama about the situation (which I think is a trifle inevitable in the big events like job loss) to only see a terrible outcome. It is hard to look beyond the crisis.

Acceptance is a process; it doesn't always come overnight. But if I don't write the end of the story, then I can surrender and let God write the ending. Inevitably, it is better than anything I could have imagined.

In these tough economic times, we are seeing many members deeply impacted financially. It is important that I remain calm and grateful and if tough times hit, I let God write the ending.

Until I blog again, take care.

Oz a proud papa

Oz is the proud father of five beautiful puppies. The pups, four sables and one black and tan, are bred from a wonderful German import-lines female, Norice. Pics to follow! Stay tuned.

Food--the Final Frontier

Well, almost.

My God sees around corners

I was in a meeting a few nights ago when a newcomer, struggling with staying clean on life's terms, said, "I don't know what's coming, but my God sees around corners." Isn't that the truth? And isn't it amazing that we often hear what we need to hear out of the mouth of newcomers?

Many times I've been terrified in recovery, and I am not ashamed to admit it because I believe faith and fear can coexist for a brief period of time. Many times, I am afraid if I am struggling with the problem. If I can get some perspective, however, I can accept the situation as it stands and stop struggling, knowing that God is bigger and "sees around corners." Then, the fear is released.

I heard a speaker last night with an unusual pitch. She has 27 years clean and is working on her doctorate. She has overcome great odds, the child of an addict who basically raised herself, with all the subsequent damage. She spent a few minutes listing her assets, which I think is a tremendous thing. When I got here and did my first fourth step, I was hard-pressed to come up with any assets. Today, I know what my assets are because some of my defects of character have become assets most of the time, at least.

Where I was stubborn, I am now persistent or even tenacious.
Where I was angry, I now have healthy boundaries.
Where I was egotistical, I now believe I have a healthy self-esteem.
Where I was impatient, well, I can't lie, I still am quite often.
Where I was street-smart, I am now able to analyze.
Where I was full of contempt, I am now compassionate.
Where I was sarcastic, I am now funny.

I am writing this because it has been a hard week, for a few reasons. The other day while unpacking I ran across a diary from 1983, when I was in the very bottom of my addiction, spinning out of control. It was frightening and it did two things: It scared me, knowing I could go back to that if I forget where I came from, and it gave me great gratitude for having been able to stick with the program for almost a quarter of a century now.

If you spent Valentine's Day alone and no one said "I love you," I do. Where I was full of hatred, today, I am full of love. The Fellowship gave me that.

Now here's a no brainer

Excuse the pun, but duh. Ritalin addictive; who woulda' thunk it?

Sponsorship

I know, isn't this just too cute? Not much happening here. It is raining, which in Arizona is almost always good news. It is so dry that we welcome any rain. Where I live now most plants are desert dwelling and require very little water, but plants seem to thrive after a rain.

At work last week almost 20 percent of my coworkers were laid off. It was very tense and stressful to watch people, some who had worked there for almost 30 years, carry out their boxes. They received no severance, no notice, nothing but a cart to take their boxes to their car. It is frightening and although the division where I work is unscathed in this round, there is more to come.

I talked to one of the women who was cut after many years, and she brushed away my concern. "God is good," she said. "And bigger," I added. She believes God has something better in store for her and I know she is right. Everything that has happened to me in recovery that I classified as "bad" at the time has ultimately worked out for the better.

In my life, I have walked through many things clean, but never financial problems in the nation of this magnitude. It is hard not to be concerned when I watch the news and surf some of the financial sites I read as part of my work. It is scary, but I remind myself: "God is bigger."

Here is what I do when I feel bad, as I did Thursday night. I get off the couch or shut down the computer and go to a meeting. It has worked for me for 24 years and it keeps working.

I have been here a little over a year now and I am happy in the Southwest. Mild feelings of panic start sometimes over the economy and feeling tied down here because I do own a house that, in this market, would probably not sell quickly. But I know that God has a plan and for now, it is for me to be here, at home, in Arizona.

I only have to step onto my patio in this beautiful rain to know: God hasn't brought me this far to drop me on my head.

If you are struggling, struggle on. It is definitely worth the price.

Unpacking

I wish I had a digital camera, because unpacking is like opening Christmas presents. Many of my boxes I haven't opened since before my liver transplant, which was over three years ago. So I had forgotten how many beautiful tsotchkes and things I own. Just a few of the things I have unpacked today include:

• A beautiful blue jeweled vintage purse, which I will hang in my bedroom and I had completely forgotten that I had.
• A beautiful blue and creme chenille drape that will grace my bedroom window.
  
• Yards and yards of vintage material, too beautiful to describe and ripe for craft projects I hope to start once I settle in and slow down.
• Three boxes of shoes that I completely forgot I still owned, and which Romy will, no doubt, immediately claim as her new chew toys when I forget to latch the now latching bedroom door.

I give you this list to remind myself of a few things. First, that I spent myself into deep financial doo $20 at a time, in many respects. Today I think twice about spending money on anything that isn't necessary.

I also remember how clearly I saw my possessions as I sat in my recliner, dying, waiting for an improbable transplant that I completely had turned over to my God. As I viewed my beautiful paintings and Hull pottery and Frankoma dishes, I realized that you truly can't take it with you. They were just things and in the end, unimportant. Cliches are cliches because they are true<.><.>

Today I try to focus on appreciating what I do have, including the miracle of my life and recovery and transplant. I am listening to Paul Simon and I am deeply grateful.

At home in my new home

Two dogs and I have packed in and are officially moved. Both dogs got sick and promptly christened the new hardwoods with barf, but what can one say? A dog has to do what a dog has to do, right? My friends have helped tremendously in the move, including Ms. Barbara and a friend from work, who helped me move a lot of boxes so the movers didn't have to spend too long at the house. As I told one coworker, I feel like it's twelve pounds of crap in an eight-pound sack; however, little by little I am unpacking and getting settled.

Barbara helped with the computer today and I lost my backup Quicken file temporarily, with all of last year's tax records on them. Yikes! So I went to a meeting. That was where I needed to be and where I heard the message "surrender to win." That was what I needed to hear, today especially.

This week will be a busy week. Tomorrow I have to prepare for a class I start teaching on Wednesday and then much writing remains to be done. Tuesday is the inauguration. I am going to find a small TV somewhere to take to work to watch our new President sworn in. This is a momentous day in American history and I, for one, want to watch as much as I can. And pray a lot, because he is inheriting one heck of a mess.

Once I get settled I'll try to take some pics so you can see the new hole Oz dug in the yard today when the sprinklers came on. I thought he's lost his mind. My friend brought over sulpha for the dogs, so hopefully by tomorrow, they'll be back to normal, whatever that is for them.

Until I blog again, take care.

Chaos

Moving bites. Waaa.

In the midst of packing ...

I am surrounded by boxes and feeling a little overwhelmed, but a friend will arrive in an hour or so to help. I went to northern Arizona yesterday to check on my house. The weather has been cold there so I wanted to make sure the pipes didn't freeze. I also had an electrician in to put in two new wall heaters. If anyone tells you to buy a pellet stove, consider it very carefully. It may be cheap, but it's impossible to keep the heat on when you're not there for extended periods. You live and learn, usually the hard way, right? I do, anyhoo.

I met my electrician at a meeting I used to attend. Turned out he was an old junkie from Phoenix and we knew some people in common. Yesterday as we talked, we think we know more people, as well. He is an example of someone who is doing the deal--happily married, well-employed, raising three kids in a blended family with all its insanity. I am glad we are friends.

On the way home I went to a meeting and talked to my sponsor briefly and updated her on my life. I have a fourth step sitting somewhere (I can't find it at the moment) and we'll catch up next month when life is less hectic. It is amazing that today, despite what is going on in my life, I don't have to have any drama surrounding it. That is spiritual growth in its simplest form. Because believe me, there is a lot going on both personally and at work.

I am just checking in with my blogger buddies. Have a great day!

A new place to live

The moving boxes are out again, and 2dogs sit in the living room asking each other, "How far is it this time?" Relax, I tell them, it is only one mile. I am moving a mile from where we are now. The pics show you why. It is a great neighborhood that dead ends into desert preserve where Oz can hike and Romy can explore. (Her hiking days seem behind her now.)

These are some of the benefits of recovery. Today, people want me as a neighbor and I have good credit. I have been back in Arizona for a year and am comfortable in this neighborhood, so I am moving close by.

I am a little sad and overwhelmed today. I am trying to work through some of my own issues and have started the new year out by examining my own issues with food and how I manage my money. My friend in Hawaii sent me a beautiful journal and I am recording what I spend and what I eat. I have more peace in my life when these other areas are in balance, as well.

Tonight I will go to my home group at 5:30 then tomorrow a woman asked me to share at a meeting in the East Valley. Around birthday time, I seem to get a lot of invites to speak and that is great. However, I'm learning that maybe the issues I am still working through are my issues and not for sharing at the group level. I always say that NA is where I can tell my truth. So today I am pondering, baffled, a little confused, I guess, but I am always grateful for another day clean.<.>

Today I spoke at length with a woman I still sponsor in Missouri and love very much. She is going through some painful stuff and putting one foot in front of the other. In fact, she ended up, as she always does, by encouraging me.<.>

Well, I have boxes to pack, so 2dogs and I wish you a fine day and a happy New Year. I just wanted to share my good news. Please do me a favor and say a prayer that I sell my car, because I'm not getting many calls on it and that would help tremendously. Prayer is powerful!

Happy New Year

Thanks for helping me stay clean another year.

Here's to 2009, whatever it may hold.

Nothing to say but this seems to say it all

"America is now wholly given over to a damned mob of scribbling women, and I should have no chance of success while the public taste is occupied with their trash – and should be ashamed of myself if I did succeed.”

-Nathaniel Hawthorne

I found this on The Junky's Wife blog and it cracked me up. Count me among the damned mob of scribbling women.

Happy Holidays to You and Yours

When I was a child, my parents always put blue Christmas lights on the house. We were the only house that seemed to do that. I thought it was weird, but then I grew up in a weird household, I thought.

Last night I was at a late marathon meeting and this gal with two months was chosen by her home group to share the meeting. When I heard her childhood story, I simply could not believe it. It was like something out of the book The Glass Castle. I was sitting with my former roommate, a grape who moved out because the economy forced him to move back in, at 52, with his parents. We looked at each other in amazement. I'll tell you this--it made me so, so grateful for my upbringing.

I am so grateful that when I got here I had values handed down from my parents and all I had to do was to brush up on them with help from people in NA and a lot of in-depth conversations with my Higher Power. The meeting that shared the marathon meeting prides itself on being rowdy and disrespectful, with a lot of cross talk and slaughtering of the readings. I know this--it wouldn't play in most home groups. After hearing this women share, I had a better idea of why they behave that way and was able to be slightly less judging about the Romper Room atmosphere of the meeting.

Anyhoo, I am grateful for another Christmas clean. I am heading out to dinner with my brother and his wife and her brother, all that is left of our family clan in Arizona. This will be our first Christmas without any parents as my sister-in-law lost her Mom this summer. As my mother said, getting old is not for the faint of heart. I miss my parents all year, but at the holidays, especially so. I am so grateful for all they did for me and that they never lost faith that someday I would get my act together. I believe they prayed me into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.

Then I am heading up north to make sure my pipes don't freeze. I have the heat off and the house winterized, but one never knows so I'm going to spend a few days in the snow. The dogs can hardly wait.

Have a wonderful holiday and drive safely. The amateurs are loose.

Another day clean

I am heading out to my home group to celebrate my 24 years. It's a special occasion, as are all anniversaries. I grateful I got clean, grateful I stayed clean, but most of all today I am grateful that I still look forward to going to meetings.

I hit the 10 p.m. meeting last night, which was loaded with newcomers. If I could have given them one piece of advice, and I could give them several, it would be, "Meeting makers make it."

Early on, I stayed clean because a few people took an interest in crazy me and made sure I kept coming back. They listened to me when the service gurus (and these guys were doing service, too, only in a quiet way) were too busy or important to listen to my blathering.

Perhaps someday I can repay NA for what it has given me. To date, I haven't even made a dent in it.

I hope you have a great weekend and a wonderful holiday if I don't blog until then.

An unexpected visitor

Cindy, sister of puppy Cibola. Wait until she grows into those feet!

Romy inspects the newly planted trees, which the elks tore down within a few weeks.

Oz contemplates the puppy.

This beautiful puppy Cibola came up with her sister Cindy to visit me. This litter comes from fine Czech working lines and she is priced at $1500. This is one of 9 females from the same litter.

View from my porch

This week I am taking my cake for 24 years. I am very grateful to have stayed clean. I'll be posting more soon.

We're all Bozos on this bus . . .

I was in a great meeting this morning. A guy from the Greater Chicagoland area who moved here recently, when advising the newcomers to "keep it simple," said "Einstein can't; Bozo can." He's right, you know. This is a very simple program for very complicated, and often too intelligent for our own good, people.

When I was first getting clean, there was a guy in the meetings I looked up to very much. His name was Bob C. He had come from my background and seeing him in meetings made me believe just a little that if he could do it, so could I. Bob always had great things to say, and something he used to remind us of when the personalities got the best of us, especially at service meetings, was "We're all Bozos on this bus."

Just remembering that simple statement reminds me that I can get pretty bent out of shape about things that, in the grand scheme of things, mean nothing. So for today, I'm reminded that "We're all Bozos on this bus."

Welcome aboard.