The 1st Step

You can do it! Try again!

Most addicts agree--the first step is the most important one we do, because without it, we are destined to reinvestigate our powerlessness. I'm back in Arizona and very grateful to be here, but missing my friends in Missouri.

I have grave misgivings about keeping my blog since some anonymous twit is using it to try to hurt people I care for. So I'm not sure how much longer I'll be blogging, but in the meantime, I am doing well and am glad to hear from those of you who have long supported my blog.

Until I blog again, take that first step seriously. It's a big one!

Happy birthday to me

I once again have power and am trying to cram for a final that was postponed from Monday night. The ice is melting, I am trying to pack and also trying to celebrate my 23rd clean date. It's all good and I am so grateful for staying clean all these years when so many, who may work better programs than me, do not.

Until I blog again, take it one day at a time.

Waiting for the ice storm

In a few hours, the year's first ice storm will be here in Missouri. It doesn't sound like it will be too bad, but a day or so in the house won't kill me. I've almost finished my finals, 3 research papers and am so glad to be through with the semester. Of course, moving means I'll probably have to transfer to another school, but right now I'm not worrying about that. It will all fall into place.

There's a process I go through when I'm moving from one place to another and perhaps the ice storm comes at a good time. Wherever I've lived in my life and especially in recovery, I've made many friends. But it's always hard to leave one place for another, even if, as in this case, I'm truly going home. As I listen to my friends and in this case my significant other (at least he's significant to me) talk about my leaving, I find I have to allow them to have their feelings and honor their sadness but suppress my own. There is simply no way right now I can process it.

It's not that I don't feel sad to be leaving, but I also feel like it's time, so that makes it easier. The hours I spent packing and sorting and donating give me ample time to process my feelings. This is what I have to do for my own serenity, this taking a job thing. And that means going to Arizona.

As we look back on how we've handled things, we can always, as my dad used to say, play "Monday morning quarterback." In retrospect, there were things I should have seen that I perhaps did glimpse but thought, "Oh, it will be different than that," or "We can work through that." Relationships are hard, there's no other way to say it. I wish I had done some things better, that's for sure.

I have a few hours before the ice storm starts, so I'd better head out to the store to buy food. Lately I haven't been cooking. Until I blog again, may your heart be light and your recovery easy.

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Arizona here I come

With some mixed feelings, of course, I am heading back to Arizona. I was offered a job that will allow me to keep doing some of my other work and with great benefits. I'm just tired of the struggle of health insurance hassles and this just fell into my lap, practically. So, about the 20th I'm heading out.

I haven't had time to blog with finals and packing, but hopefully once I get there, I'll have more to talk about. I'm looking forward to see Ms. Barbara and all my old NA friends, who are excited about my return, or so they say.

Two dogs are getting anxious. They seem to know something's up. Maybe it's all the moving boxes? Until later, take care. It's all good.

Romy eats the hammock

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but Romy seemed to delight in eating the corner of the hammock, so she had to lie on a quilt. Luckily, she survived. She is a canine disaster, but what can you do?

I had a great time in Phoenix, a job offer and a few decisions to make. More later.

Haven't blogged in awhile

I guess life happens, because I've noticed I'm not the only blogger not blogging. I'm heading to Phoenix tomorrow for five days. God has put a career option in my path and I'm exploring it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do; I'll know if and when an offer is made. Do the next right thing; that's my motto.

One of my sponslings with just over 90 days clean had a terrible loss--her father was hit by a car, brain damaged and removed from life support. She not only stayed clean through this terrible event, she grew closer to her mother, experienced tremendous gratitude over the fact that she was clean before he died, and in short, has just blossomed. God is great, isn't he? The Fellowship of NA was there right beside her the entire time with cards, phone calls, at the funeral, walking her through it. It surely made my love of the Fellowship grow even more, if that's possible.

The woman I have blogged about several times with whom I had a great deal of conflict but who helped me tremendously when I was ill died of bone cancer Friday. She had a short but such brave path to death, it was truly inspiring. One of the women she sponsored was having a meltdown over her death with her and she stopped her in her tracks by saying, "I'm spiritually fit." That's the real acid test, isn't it?

We had several great talks together before she died, so I am at peace with it. Early in recovery my friend Jeff T. said his rule of thumb in relationships is that if it's standing between me and the other person, then I have to talk with them about it. I've learned that if I want to try to preserve a friendship, that's the only way to go, as uncomfortable as it may be. I'm just glad I was at peace with our friendship when she passed.

I'm heading out to one of my recovery sister's 50th birthday party. Then it's off to drop two dogs at the boarding place. I hate that. I bought Romy a bone shaped Coleman hammock. She thinks she's going camping. Woo HOO!

Until I blog again, take care and stay clean. It's easier that way.

In Chicago

I'm here for a conference, but I've hit several NA meetings and it's been fun. This is such a great city to get around in, trains, buses, taxis.

The meetings here are pretty big, but also friendly. I've enjoyed myself, but I'm heading home tonight and I'll be glad to get there.

Dinner tonight?

A good friend of mine (I used to sponsor her) had a baby last week, as I mentioned on my blog. I was watching a show half heartedly yesterday as I worked, which was on post-partum depression. I didn't realize how severe this can be.

Many of us, from years of fiddling around with our brains, have damaged our mood patterns, at least that is my opinion. So it wouldn't surprise me that with all the hormones of pregnancy then childbirth and its stressors (she's breastfeeding so she's up every two hours), that my friend would be a bit freaked out. Another thing, her mother lives in another country and she isn't in touch with her, so she doesn't really have a nuclear family to help.

So my friend Lisa and I are taking over dinner for the family tonight. It's an easy dinner: chili, my world famous (the dogs think so, anyway) zucchini bread , and a salad. My friend Lisa is making cornbread so we'll have fun seeing the baby, eating, and having a few laughs.

I am also making time to call her every few days just to check on her: not so much to be a bother, but enough to let her know we care.

Until I blog again, I just wanted to share how good it feels today to think of someone beside me! I may not be much, but I'm all I usually think about!

My best thinking got me here

A blog post today got me thinking, which is not always a good thing. This post had a quote from poet Charles Baudelaire, "a vice is natural, while virtue is artificial because it calls for us to restrain our natural instinct ..."

I was watching Dexter the other night, the sociopathic serial murderer (is that redundant?) who believes he was born evil. His father, when Dexter was young, told him to "Think of your immediate reaction, then say the opposite" when Dexter was trying to pass a psychological profile test. Doing this, he passed.

I've been clean awhile, but I find that sometimes my immediate thinking is just wrong. If I acted on it, I'd have been in big trouble long ago. You'd think after years in recovery, that "wrong" thinking would go away.

Case in point. I had about ten years clean and I was at an ATM behind a person who used the ATM then left his card. I walked up, took the card, then didn't know what to do. The person with me looked at me like I was crazy, took the card from my hand, and yelled after the man, "Hey, you forgot your card." My mind was wondering what to do, what was the right thing to do, I mean, take the card and use it or...?

I'll admit, today I would know what to do, but I still have to think sometimes. In many cases, my thinking is just flat wrong.

A woman flamed me professionally the other day on a list I belong to because I said something that was incorrect. My first instinct was to flame her back. Instead, I did two things. First, I wrote her a pretty decent letter telling her I felt impelled to write because she embarrassed me in front of my professional peers and it hurt my feelings. (I won't mail it.) Then, I found her phone number via her email address and called her and asked her to call me.

People often behave ignorantly, and most of the time it's best to let it slide. But in this case, I really felt like I had to tell her how I felt. It was about how I felt, not about her behavior, if you get the difference.

She emailed me immediately and apologized, saying she was having a bad day and just after she pressed the send button she regretted it. This kept me from stewing about the situation.

I am not yet well, but I'm a darn site better than I was. Progress is a beautiful thing. It's a great fall day and I'm heading out. Until then, be safe. And don't flame people.

NA members please complete membership survey

For anyone who is interested and has not taken the time to do the survey, the link is below.

NA members last completed an anonymous survey in 2003 at the world convention in San Diego , CA . We would like to update the information to more accurately reflect our membership today. The information we gather from the survey helps professionals see NA in a more realistic manner and helps to dispel old myths about our membership. It is our desire to have professionals who refer addicts to NA along with family members and the general public to view Narcotics Anonymous as a viable, credible program of choice for recovery.

We hope to capture a better picture of our global membership by posting the survey online not just distributing it to those who attend a world convention. We want to encourage you and your friends to complete this anonymous survey. You can help us to more accurately reflect the demographics of the worldwide fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. This survey will be online until 31 October 2007 at http://naws.org/surveys/index.php?sid=1 . We thank you for your efforts in completing the survey as well as informing other members to complete it. And, remember, please complete only one survey.

Thank you for allowing us to serve.
NA World Services

Beautiful day on the Osage River

We took off today in my boyfriend's bass boat and drove up the Osage River into the Missouri then into Loose Creek. In Loose Creek, hoards of flying carp crashed into the boat, scaring me out of my seat and into the floor of the boat. I didn't know fish could fly.

These pics show some of the leaves changing and the bottom picture is a beaver dam. We also saw two herons and a bald eagle.

Then I hit my home group so my day was complete.

Things change quickly

When things change, they tend to change quickly, it always seems to me. From the time I was little, I hated change. I realized in my early high school years that my best friend at the time, with whom I could share every detail of my oh so dramatic (I thought) life, was not always going to be my best friend. And I didn't like it.

"But you'll have a new best friend," she pointed out to me when I raised this dilemma with her.

"But I want you!" I wailed mournfully, coming down from a day-long, ditch-school and trip- through-Phoenix acid extravaganza. Of course, I soon left home and have had several best friends since then. And I lived through the changes.

When life changes today, I am now realizing that God is offering me a handpicked opportunity for growth. I may not like it much, because I am a person most comfortable rooted in my past, even if that past is painful. So I try to focus on the future and its possibilities.

Until I blog again, I hope you have a great day.

The sponsorship tree, or high school revisited

I am going to vent and share my experience, strength and hope (and my opinion) with something I see going on in my area as well as what I've seen in a few other areas. That is the NA cliches.
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In the year between eighth grade and high school I started using to fit in somewhere. When I came to NA, I quickly found a group of people who loved me and put up with my two years of the revolving door syndrome; but there were plenty of people who shunned me, I mean flat out even were rude to me, laughed at me with others, and in short thought I was a flake. Most of them aren't clean today. They were the movers and shakers in the area and at region. I clearly remember when I worked at the World Service Office and some of these regional representatives came over for Conference, they excluded me from their lunches and dinners, and boy, that felt like crap.

It's true, we don't have to like everyone we meet in the rooms or make the decision to hang out with them. But we should extend an atmosphere of love and tolerance and at least feign interest in newcomers when they are at meetings, in my opinion.

Last weekend our area, which is actually three cities about 60 miles apart and the area in between, held a picnic in the largest city, halfway between my city and the city 60 miles away. I grabbed a newcomer who was going through a rough time and was driving everyone crazy and drove up for the picnic.

I'd never been to this park, and when I got there, it was huge. We drove through the park for half an hour and never did find the meeting. No one had bothered to put up a sign, in my way of thinking because this particular portion of NA is so proud of its cliquishness it just overlooked that anyone who wasn't part of the 'in crowd' wouldn't recognize the vehicles. Not such a great message to show the newcomer.

But wait, there's more. There is much talk in this bigger town of "sponsorship trees." I hear often, usually from newcomers, "Oh, she's in my sponsorship tree," or "He's my grand sponsor."

Today one of the big NA cliches is having a BBQ for everyone in several "sponsorship trees," which means that much of the area, especially newcomers, are excluded. Now I don't know how to fix that or if we need to fix that, but I do think this: This was not the intent of sponsorship.

So I've had my vent for the day and look forward to your input. I preach the gospel of "Who put you in charge of that," so I don't talk about this except in my blog and with my sponsor, who would never condone this type of activity. I think it's high school thinking to exclude people from gatherings because they aren't "a branch in your tree." What do you think?

I've got to be ME!

Meet Schatz; she's Oz' half sister on their sire's side, Bastin. Isn't she a ham? To visit her mom, a fellow recovery blogger, click here!

I met Schatz' mom when she googled Schatz' sire's name, and she found me. She's in recovery, too. Shatz is with her in Illinois.

Ms. Romy gets ready for fall

Depression in recovery

NA is going through a big redefining, it seems, of the use of medications, including methadone, in recovery. There was a great meeting at World Convention on this topic, which has generated another outpouring of discussion. I think eventually we'll reach some sort of consensus; however, I try to stay out of the fray. I have strong opinions, but they are just that, my opinions which have arisen out of 1) my personal biases and 2) the flaming failures I've seen over the years of those who choose to take medications in recovery without proper oversight.

Last night a young gal approached me at a meeting because she's having trouble with her medications for anxiety and sleeplessness. I am not a psychiatrist; I'm not qualified to counsel her regarding what to do about anxiety and which drugs are okay to use within our confines. I simply referred her to a woman who is a local resource who will help her find a psychiatrist that is familiar with the addiction model.

Early in my recovery, I watched a gal who had psychosis stop taking all her medications, allegedly at her sponsor's request. She soon starting coming to meetings wearing a gun belt and carrying a racket ball racket in her purse, with the back window missing from her car. Then she called a friend of mine in a panic and said the Secret Service were watching her. He went over to visit her to try to calm her down only to be confronted in her front yard by--the Secret Service. Apparently she had written the President at the time a few bizarre letters.

This was a powerful lesson to me. As much as I know which drugs I can take with impunity (and there aren't many) and which ones I can't, it's not my job to give advice to a newcomer about medication. I can only hope she gets a good psychiatrist who can guide her in her choice of medications.

There are people who I watch struggle, I mean struggle, with depression in recovery. I really feel for them, because in some cases, you can work The Steps until you drop, but the depression is obviously a chemical imbalance from years of torquing our own chemistry or a hereditary problem. I dislike the black and white thinking I sometimes hear that "I just work The Steps and if you did, you wouldn't be depressed." I usually approach these people after the meeting and ask where they were credentialed.

Our literature is clear. There are times in recovery, and this includes for some of us our entire lives, that we must take medication. That decision is one best made with a doctor and a very savvy sponsor.

Another good meeting

I'm in St. Louis because I have to attend a business meeting tomorrow. I brought Oz with me and hit a meeting near my hotel. It was a Traditions meeting, Tradition Nine was the topic. I enjoyed it. I always enjoy attending meetings out of town because I can usually put principles before personalities. I'm entering a meeting and don't know anyone, so I have no preconceived notions.

One man was celebrating his 18th birthday and started the meeting for apologizing for his outburst the previous week. Where else can you go where you've behaved like a jerk and walk in the next time and no one says "Hey, are you going to behave tonight?"

It's a great thing that there are no rules in our Fellowship and no requirement for membership other than a desire to stop using substances. I was always a rebel and if anyone told me that I had to sit a certain place or behave a certain way, I probably wouldn't have gone back.

I'm grateful today I stuck around long enough to experience the miracle.

Help me, I'm melting!

I melt down often. Well, not often, but at least about once a quarter. I never know exactly what triggers it. It might be something small that breaks the camel's proverbial back. I can give you some meltdown examples from the past few years.

1. I couldn't get an issue resolved with the cable company. Although I had transferred my service to someone else's name, I kept getting the bill and so did they. It was affecting my phone service since it was a global billing (note to self--never buy into global billing again!). I spent hours on the phone and more hours trying to get it resolved until I was literally screaming at the customer service person. The result? They transferred me to someone who could help, in the process, they cut me off. Think that was a coincidence? Once I calmed down, I called the public utilities commission who told me what number to call for the head honchos and it appears there is a solution in sight.


2. I had been looking for a job with no results for about six months. I had a job interview that sounded like it might be a fit. When I got there, four different men spent about an hour talking to me for what turned out to be a clerical position. One was very condescending. I left there feeling so humiliated I could barely stand it. I talked to someone about it and I felt better.


3. I completed a project for a client that I thought was what she wanted. I spent about two full days working on it. It wasn't what she wanted at all. It was my fault, after all, because I hadn't outlined the project before beginning. I assumed she still wanted what she thought she wanted originally although several weeks had passed. I waited a day or so before contacting her and worked through my feelings, mostly disappointment. But boy, in the meantime, I was a mess. I simply kept on keeping on and worked through it. I didn't listen to any voice telling me I would never be successful as a writer.
   

I get overwhelmed from time to time; I think we all do. Sometimes when it seems like it's all crap I have to think about how I'm framing things. For example, a gal who is in charge of our newsletter e-mailed me in a panic asking me to do an article on Tradition Three. She said that the person who was going to do the article didn't. It took me about two hours and I e-mailed it to her.

The next night I saw her at a meeting and she was complaining how sick she was of service. She said "No one" ever helps her. I pointed out to her that I had helped her. I wasn't no one. Using terms like that, my friends, is catastrophizing.

I do it too. When I get mad, I frequently say "You ALWAYS do that!" or "You never do this," using those black or white terms. That's usually far from the truth. If we really examine those statements, most of the time things like that irritate us happen, but we tend to get overly emotional and use terms like "never," "always," "continuously," "every time," etc.

When I call my sponsor in a snit, she always tells me firmly, "Lose the drama." She's right, of course, although it often hurts my feelings. When I'm in the middle of a drama that revolves around me, I can't think correctly; I'm swinging from the emotional vine yelling "Tarzan." (Actually, that's me, Jane, on the far right, looking bewildered.)

Melting down is part of the life of an emotionally labile person like me. It took me many years of recovery before I saw that trait because no one ever pointed it out. Or if they did, I wasn't ready to hear it. I just swung hysterically through jobs, leaving because my boss "didn't appreciate me" or pay me well enough, rather than practice patience and try to avoid seeing everything as an attack upon me as a female. (Although in some cases it was, but that's another story.)

I have grown in the past decades of recovery, but it has been a slow, painful process. I'm glad I now have a sponsor who isn't afraid of hurting my feelings to get my attention. My meltdowns are now fewer, less dramatic and shorter. That, dear readers, is growth.

Get in the middle of the pack

When I first came around the rooms, I heard this expression often. I had been a loner, an isolator, a rebel without a cause for so many years, I didn't think that expression applied to me. I was terminally unique, as many of us that come in and out of the rooms feel we are. I was sure that no one had ever been through what I'd been through or used drugs the way that I had.

Today I can safely say I've been around well over two decades and I'm still in the middle of the pack. I go to at least three or four meetings a week, I am of service in my home group and of some help in general service to the Fellowship, speaking at H&I meetings when I can and sponsoring a few wonderful women.

The other night at my home group I was swilling down a wonderful cup of coffee, looking at faces of people I have grown to love and feeling very lucky to be part of this wonderful Fellowship. Because I "suit up and show up," share my experience, I hope, in a non-judgmental way, I can be of maximum service to my fellow addicts and to society as a whole.

This person is a far cry from that shattered gal who vibrated into meetings for the first time almost 25 years ago. Today there is such abundance in my life--friends; relationships with siblings that grow stronger every year; 2 dogs, of course; and a strong presence in my life of a partner with whom I'm struggling, on a daily basis, to connect with.
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We often fail forward, don't we? When we stumble in recovery, we don't fall back, we really fall a few steps forward. When I stay in the middle of the pack, it's easier to sort out the next right action I have to take to get back on the path to recovery.

Until next time, stay in the middle of the pack. You'll find with winter soon coming, it's much warmer and safer there.