Vacation time!

I just took a week off work and spent the time in Northern Arizona at my house. I had such a nice time. I had all sorts of things planned that I wanted to do--drive to Lake Powell, or maybe Colorado. I ended up doing almost nothing except yard work and napping, and that was fine with me.

The weather was pretty good, little rain, so most of the days I spent moving the hose around watering trees I've recently planted and trying to protect them from the hungry elk that love to eat aspens. "Aspens are like elk ice cream," one of my coworkers said. My friends, who come up almost every Sunday to nap on my porch, call me by my new Indian name: "Moves the Waters" because I'm constantly getting up to move the hose from one tree or plant to another.

I put up several hummingbird feeders and each day more hummingbirds seem to discover it. This weekend I lost count of how many were fighting over the feeders, but at least three dozen, I'd estimate. I finally broke down yesterday and hung up a third one. Each day as I napped I could hear, as I dozed off, the sound of hummingbirds chirping, wings flapping, and the wind chimes that don't even phase the birds. Here is an awesome sight for many wonderful hummingbird pics.

Each afternoon I napped, so I guess I needed the sleep. I went to a meeting almost every day and wandered around town hitting the thrift stores and chatting with people. It was a great vacation.

One day last week, a woman stopped by my house to introduce herself. She had moved in to the empty house near me. She looked like one hundred miles of bad road. Her car was a rolling wreck, windows knocked out, no door interiors, wires sticking out, threatening my curious dogs' eyeballs. In the first four minutes of conversation, I learned she had just gotten out of a Kansas jail for failure to pay child support, and had just had her license suspended for driving under the influence of marijuana and methamphetamines. I excused myself for a minute and went and got her an NA meeting list. "You don't have to live like this," was about all I said.

Sunday I noticed her walking down the road and offered her a ride. She was going to the local cafe for breakfast. Last night I took her to her first meeting and, with tears in her eyes, she got her newcomer chip. It was pretty neat. She also peeled off the bucks for a Basic Text, so who knows? It's always an uphill battle for the newcomer, but if she's as sick and tired as she looks, maybe she is ready. One of my friends in the Fellowship tells me he's just the postman--he delivers the message. Whether the other person receives it or not is up to him or her. And God, I usually add. Isn't it true that it's merely God's grace that we get the program or we never arrive? Who can explain why I get it and my wonderful relative struggling for years with his alcoholism does not?

So until I blog again, dear readers, put out a hummingbird feeder. The small investment will pay back untold dividends.

Some days you're the dog

Things are a bit rocky around here, but only in my head. As my sponsor tells me, make a gratitude list, so here goes.

• My wonderful two dogs, who love me unconditionally (even though I broke the remote control last night throwing it at Oz after he bit my finger accidentally).
• My friends, who are few and far between these days.
• My job.
• My business.
• My sponslings, who keep me somewhat out of myself.

However, it is rough right now. I am financially paying the price for my Missouri move. It will take me, if I stay on budget, at last 18 months just to dig myself out of the financial mess I find myself in, again. I am truly sick and tired of the way I handle or don't handle money. I believe I have hit my bottom. So last night, once again, I went back to my budget and I am determined to live within my means, or below my means where possible. It is the hardest thing I have struggled with in my recovery and I'm tired of struggling.

My sponsor is going through a very rough time and as a result, isn't going to any meetings, or very few. Her husband is actively using and she is uptight, abrasive and defensive. Her sponsor spoke last night at a meeting and was phenomenal, but she won't avail herself of her sponsor's assistance.

I'm considering my options re sponsorship. It is ironic because I went through a period before my transplant where I only went to meetings at one location and my favorite sponsling (yes, we do have favorites!) fired me because she "needed to see me at meetings." I totally understand now what she was saying. Although it hurt like heck at the time, she later became my sponsling again when I started showing up at meetings after the transplant.

The other thing is that I've totally stopped doing service other than sponsoring. There is a tremendous attitude in meetings, spoken and otherwise, that if you aren't in general service, you aren't giving back to NA. As a result, I'm feeling a bit alienated. So last night I volunteered for the New Year's Eve planning committee. This is a small commitment and with my busy schedule working full time and trying to run my business, is about all I can do.

Tomorrow morning I have to go to a funeral of a dear family friend who died suddenly at 57. Now that may not seem young to you, but to me, it does. I learned most of the cuss words in my extensive repertoire watching Sam and my brother try to fix my brother's 1963 Chevy in my parent's driveway. Sam helped me move my mother to Missouri a few years ago when she was too ill to remain alone, a trip I can make in two days and took us four. It was a caravan of four women, three dogs and him.

He normally called me once a week. "What are you doing?" I'd ask.

"A whole lot of nothing," he'd respond.

He was a highly decorated Vietnam Vet. He was a door gunner on a Huey, shot down four times, had several purple hearts, a Medal of Honor and other military awards. The last time he was shot down, he was the sole survivor. Yet he never talked to me about his war experiences.

He came back from Vietnam strung out on heroin and he came to me to score. I guess my brother had told him what a mess I was. We ran around for awhile, then he somehow cleaned up. He wasn't one of us. He got married, had three kids, and went on to live a normal life. He was one of those people whom I took for granted in my life. He had a quiet, keen sense of humor and was one of the most intelligent people I have ever known. He played crosswords continuously and could help me solve about anything I couldn't figure out in the ones I did. I will miss him.

Funerals are a bummer, and I know his tomorrow will be difficult. Both his parents are alive still, and it is always a tragedy when parents bury their children. But I also find that once I attend and if I can cry, then I'm better equipped to put closure to the passing. I will miss Sam. He was like a brother to me.

On to my brothers. One is back in the homeless shelter, another, here for Sam's funeral, got drunk and passed out on my lawn last night. I drove in from a meeting and the meeting after the meeting at a Chinese restaurant to find him sprawled in the grass next to my truck. I am so tired of this damn disease.

This is why I am writing. I am hurting. I am hurting from the tragedies I watch in my family. I am hurting because I can't help them. I am hurting because I lost my friend Sam, who knew my history and could always cheer me up. I am hurting because I have made more missteps in my recovery. I am hurting because this is life on life's terms.

So until I blog again, thank you for being there for me.

According to plan ...

It's funny how rigid we can become if we aren't careful. I know when I was struggling to get high every day, I woke up and knew what had to get done from the moment my feet hit the floor. Today, I have a general plan for how I want my day to go, but I don't let things throw me if all does not go according to plan.

I was going to borrow a friend's trailer to move some things to my house up north since I've decided not to rent it again. But this morning when I called her to arrange to make the drive, which is over an hour away, to pick it up, she mentioned that she needed to get things done by a certain time this evening. That sort of set me off, because it would have put too much pressure on me. So I begged off and just made some other arrangement. In my first decade or so in recovery, that would have ruined my day! Today I can work around things. You've heard that old expression: "When a normal person gets a flat tire, they call Triple A. When an addict gets one, they call Suicide Prevention!" Today, that's not my case.
Today is the 4th of July, of course, and usually I write a blog about how grateful I am to be clean and have freedom from active addiction. I'm just feeling very low-key today, which is okay by me. I'm spending weekends in northern Arizona and the addicts in meetings up there are surrounding me with love and care. Last weekend an NA crew drove out to my house to look at some plumbing and well issues. If my heart is open, I've found many people's hearts open to me.
Two dogs are going crazy running around the house because I've loaded up the truck and they know--it's road trip time! They love their trips and weekends in the cooler climates. Ms. R, who is 12 now, walks a few blocks around the house, but doesn't wander far. Oz just spends the day digging holes or bringing me his ball to throw. They are both so easy to please. The older I get, the more I want to be like my dogs.

I hope that your holiday is safe and that you have the gas to make it to meetings (that's becoming an issue, isn't it?) and many hot dogs to stuff your beautiful faces with. Until I blog again, stay clean, it's the softer, easier way. I know.

Exciting times in my life

I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been so darn busy. Here are all the exciting things going on in a list. I love lists.

• My job that I took this year is really a blessing. I have been able, for the most part, to practice principles before personalities in the workplace and as a result have made a bunch of new friends and am well respected. I know because for the first time in years, my bosses tell me things like, "You are awesome!" and "You are doing a great job" and "You have accomplished a lot." I am very happy with that aspect of my life. Plus, I have fantastic benefits like a week of paid vacation and then some already.
  

• My business is going well. I've gotten new writing assignments at the point that I'm doing just over two columns per week.

• My brother, who is my strategic business partner, is moving to Arizona to live in my old house. I am tired of renting it and all the attendant hassles that comes with owning a rental and we can work closer together and build the business. So that means I'll have two relatives close to me, which is awesome.

• I am flying back east tomorrow to give a keynote address to other professionals in my industry and I'm very excited about that. There will be copious amounts of seafood involved and I get to spend a few days with one of the gals I sponsored in the Midwest who is going through a rough patch.

• On the health side, the news could not be better. I transferred to a new doctor here at the liver transplant center where they originally refused to give me a transplant, which forced me to go back to the Midwest. They are taking me off all my anti-rejection drugs except one because I am doing so well. He indicated I may be able to stop taking them altogether because "eventually the body stops fighting the new organ." He also opined several times in the last visit that he thinks my B virus will not return. And if it did? He has a plan with several other drugs available and more in the pipeline.

• The dogs are great and loving Arizona and being able to get back to where they were puppies on the weekend in Northern Arizona. Oz is sick today, though. I'm not sure what's up with him. He ate part of a ball last night and I'm afraid he may have a bit of a blockage. His ears are flat and he won't eat. So if you read this, say a little prayer for Ozzie. Romy continues to destroy about anything she can get her teeth on. Three separate shoes the other day, my briefcase a few days after that, a purse, the list goes on. She isn't liking me gone all day too much.

Yesterday I hit a morning meeting and sat next to my sponsor's husband, who has been in and out for about a year now relapsing. He took his 30 days yesterday and we joked a lot during the meeting. Several times he remarked, "I'm BACK!" I believe he is. We know when we're done, don't we?

Until I blog again, and I may from the seashore and let my pal blog a bit as well, thanks for checking in on me though I haven't been such a faithful blogger. You are important to my recovery.

ARCNA is going strong this weekend

I just came home from the first night of ARCNA. It is always such a good convention. The last time I went three years ago, I was dying and could barely make it from the car to go sit in a chair in the lobby. I remember the fear in my friend's faces as they looked at me and faced the realization that this might be the last time they saw me. I am so grateful today for my recovery and the second chance at life I've been given.

I saw a bunch of old friends tonight. One of my oldest friends left at the same time I did to head home and got pulled over by the police and given the roadside ballet because the officer thought his cigar smelled like marijuana. I think perhaps she needs a bit more training, what do you say?

I hope you are all well. I stay so busy I rarely blog anymore, but know that I check in on you all from time to time.

Barbara was here for a few days and left me a lovely gift--one of the beautiful beaded necklaces she makes. She is a great woman!

How are you treating the world?

This morning I went to a meeting and someone asked me how the world was treating me. Here's my view on it. It's not so much how the world is treating me, it's how I'm treating the world.

Those are my only words of wisdom today. Keep coming back.

Another great meeting

I was in a meeting the other day and I heard a women, who was taking her tag for three years, say, "Today I'm living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way."

That struck a chord in me. I can remember all the times that I drove home after an entire night out partying or whatever I was doing, watching the "squares" drive to work and thinking, "Jeez, what a bunch of losers!"

Of course, today I realize that I was afraid to fail so I never tried; I just preferred to hide behind my addiction and think, "The world just doesn't know how much potential I have!"

I am grateful today for the rooms where I can return to sanity on an almost daily basis. Last night at my home group the topic was "One day at a time." I know when I got here I could no more envision staying clean for my entire life than I could envision anything positive in my future. I truly thought I was destined to die a junkie. I couldn't grasp the concept of staying clean just for the present.

I am grateful that people loved me when I couldn't figure out how to stay clean one hour at a time, let alone one day at a time. Today, I believe in Grace.

My home group starts up again

Substitute: "Addict"

I am so excited and grateful. My home group, one of the oldest NA meetings in the area, which ended after many years after the club where it was housed burned down, is starting up again tonight after a several-year hiatus. The club has relocated to an area full of homeless people and while it won't be exactly the same, it will be wonderful for those of us who got clean there to reunite.

I am so grateful for what NA has given me. Tonight, I'm going to give something back.

The gift of desperation

This has been a rough week for me; working full time then coming home to work on my business, as well. There is always a price to pay for bad decisions and one of the areas of my life where I am paying a price is in the financial arena. I am once again taking a Third Step in my life. I am still making meetings, despite how much work is piling up around me, because I know how easy it is to get overwhelmed if I miss too many meetings, no matter what the excuse.

This morning I hit my normal Saturday morning meeting. I heard a lot of good things, but the one thing that stuck with me, because I've been feeling blue, is what one member said. He said he was grateful that he was given "the gift of desperation" which brought him into the rooms.

I know that when I got here I was desperate and I was not sure NA would work for me. I felt like I was just too addicted. But the longer I went to meetings, the more I heard people just like me share their stories and I began to get some hope. I didn't stay clean immediately, but eventually, I did stay clean.

Today I was lacking gratitude until I realized how grateful I was that I, too, was given the gift of desperation.

NA has worked for me.

Did you see the full moon?

I have been crazier than an outhouse rat today and couldn't figure out exactly why. I wanted to stay home tonight and watch the 20/20 special on prostitution, but felt like I needed a meeting more than I needed any further enlightenment on that particular issue. As I drove into the parking lot of the meeting, I looked up over Camelback Mountain and saw a gigantic moon hanging in the sky. Is that why I'm so crazy?

I had a hard day at work today. I let someone else's temper get the best of me and dampen my day. Note I don't say "ruin" because I didn't go that far. But I had a little set to at work that wasn't about me, it was about him, yet I tiptoed around for awhile with hurt feelings.

I called my sponsor and we talked about the situation, how I handled it (I did pretty well because I didn't tell him to take a Midol and call me in the morning) and if I need to do anything about it on Monday. "For what?" my sponsor asked. "You didn't do anything; he treats other people this way, too."

What I try to do when I get angry and upset is to look at the fear behind emotion. I realized after I'd talked to her for a few minutes that the fear is, "I won't be able to work" because I'm incapable of getting along with people. That's pretty irrational, because in the few months I've been at my new job, I've been able to work through other issues.

For me, most of my character defects arise out of some type of fear. "I'll be broke," or "I'll get fired," or "I'm afraid she doesn't like me." As soon as I realize that it is fear and not a fact, I am free.

Until tomorrow, have a great full moon evening.

Don't abandon your post!

As a lot of feelings sweep through my family this week, and I remember that we all deal with grief in our own peculiar way, which may not be the way another family does. I am glad I have safe harbor in the Fellowship.

"Lose the drama," my sponsor routinely tells me when the pitch of my voice starts rising dangerously. It always offends me, but it's true: No one can help me when I'm too emotional.

I went to my normal morning meeting and was late because I had to wait for the handyman to arrive to fix many broken items. The landlady is nice but doesn't take much pride in ownership so the house is a train wreck. She hired painters to come in, probably a low bid, and they painted absolutely everything without removing light fixtures, switches, cutting in trim; the place looks terrible and light fixtures are shorting out.

I have been resentful each month as I send off my rent thinking, "She obviously doesn't know who I am." Then I started thinking. When I was out there, I painted over everything in my life. As long as I looked good, I was okay, despite what people said about my lifestyle. I arrived in the rooms driving a pretty nice car, had my nails done frequently, but was an absolute shell of a human being. The exterior looked okay, but if you looked at my unpaid bills, my pending criminal charge, my employment history, they told the true tale. I painted over all the disaster in my life as part of my denial system.

I heard someone say in the meeting this morning, "I never abandoned my post." That is why he is still clean. It's just that simple. I have, for 23 years, had a new post. It's the Fellowship.

Until I blog again, may you find peace and comfort in your daily lives.

When times are tough...

Last night, my cousin was beaten to death in front of his house. We don't have any more details; the family is waiting for word from the police. It's a tragic waste of a life. This week, one of my coworkers was confronted by a gunshot wielding teen who tried to rob her. She told him to leave and he took off. She's lucky. We could have been attending her funeral. Perhaps it just illustrates which you'd rather deal with: A shotgun or a menopausal woman.

Today has been a very stressful day, from dealing with family members who each handle grief in their own fashion, to dealing with a real estate transaction that goes from bad to worse. But I know what to do. I'll go to a meeting tonight or get on the phone with someone and vent. I'll spend some time in prayer, because for some reason, I feel very far away from God and a bit stuck in fear.

Today I fully understand how precious life is. Hope your day goes better than mine.

No news

Tomorrow I'm driving up to my house near Prescott. The weather will be beautiful. Monday I'm driving down to Tucson for the day. We had a lot of rain this winter (for Arizona, of course), and the wildflowers are in bloom. I'm looking forward to the drive.

Need a laugh?

Then check out this site.

Determination

The other day I grabbed a sandwich at a Jack-in-the-Box where I, many years ago, used to frequently wait for my connection. I was there one day with another dope fiend and we sat in my car for about half an hour waiting for "the man" to show up. A constant parade of cars arrived, all waiting for the same person. It was just one of hundreds of South Phoenix rituals--waiting for the dope man.

The person with me saw someone drive in that he knew so he got out of my car, a grey 1972 LeMans that was a neat car and which the cops later confiscated, and walked over to his friend and leaned in the window to talk with him. A few minutes later, he walked back to the car and got in, laughing hard. "You have got to see this," he said.

"What?" I wanted to know. I wasn't in the mood to socialize; I was probably dope sick.

"Go look at his car," he insisted, laughing so hard he was practically out of control.

I got out of the car and followed him back over to his friend's car. It was a man he had been in the penitentiary with, I can't recall his name now, and this guy's friend. He introduced me to him and I couldn't help but notice the car they were sitting in.

The interior was completely burned out, including the seats, the headliner, the dashboard, even the steering wheel had melted. To steer, he had wrapped baling wire around the stump of the steering column and they were both sitting on milk crates.

It turns out that the Mexican mafia had firebombed this guy's car for some reason, a snitch jacket or a bad debt, who knows the truth. But this guy and his pal were determined to score, so determined that they drove that shell of a car rigged together with milk crates and baling wire so they could get their drugs. Now that, dear friends, is determination.

So as I was sitting there at that Jack-in-the-Box remembering, I realized that to stay clean, you have to have that same amount of determination. Don't have a car? Take the bus; you would have to score, so do so to hit a meeting. Someone firebombs your car? Just use duct tape or baling wire or whatever, but don't sit home and feel sorry for yourself. Some jerk insults you and gives you a gigantic resentment? Don't smack him, just keep coming back and show him what you're made of.

It isn't easy to stay clean. Last night the people in the meeting I was at focused on "acting out" in other ways, or taking the First Step in other areas of our lives besides not using drugs. But the truth is, as complicated as we make it, our behavior if it stays out of control will lead us right back to drugs. If we continue to act out on other behaviors that make our lives unmanageable, sooner or later, most of us get loaded. I know, I've watched it happen to many of my fellow addicts who seemed so busy cleaning up the wreckage of the present that they forgot the determination it takes to stay clean for the long haul.

So until we meet again, remember. It's free but it isn't always easy.

Slightly pissed off

This reminds me of me when I got into the rooms. I was pretty much mad at the whole world. "If the cops would leave me alone," I'd think, "I'd be just fine. After all, I'm not hurting anyone but myself."

What I completely failed to take into consideration is that everything I did that was negative, and almost everything I did was negative, had ripple effects on everyone around me. I hurt my parents, my brothers, and I even drove away my friends who I used with. The whole world revolved around me and my addiction.

When I came into NA, for the first time in years, people looked me in the eyes and talked to me like I mattered. I remember so distinctly being arrested and treated like some scumbag by the cops because I was an addict and feeling like, "Hey, you don't even know me." I judged myself by my intentions while the world judged me by my actions. And my actions were pretty atrocious.

I just celebrated my 23rd birthday in the rooms a few months ago, and the life I led is much like a bad dream as I recall it today. But I know, as I watch newcomers trickle in, that I am only one mistake away from the life I led for so long.

I'm grateful today that I was given the gift of recovery. I watch some people spin in and out of the rooms, many for years, for decades, even, and I know, I am eligible, too, to relapse. So my best prevention is to keep hitting meetings and be of ultimate service when asked.

It's not all serious, though. The best thing I did for my recovery today was have a few laughs with another addict. God speaks to me through laughter today. I know when I got here, there certainly wasn't anything funny about my life. Today, humor keeps me going no matter how tough things may seem.

So until we meet again, have a few laughs on me.

Happy birthday

Today is my natal birthday and I've had another great day. On Sunday, my brother threw me a birthday party with a bunch of my family's close friends and we had a great time. Only one brother couldn't come; the youngest brother came down from Seattle and stayed with me for a few days. Several of my friends called, e-mailed, and sent cards.

Today at work I was taken to lunch. It's nice, today, to feel special. I don't feel any older, but I know each day that ticks by I'm getting a little more "long in the tooth." Hopefully I'm getting a little smarter, too.

I am grateful to be alive and above ground, so until I blog again, have a great day.

Another great meeting

I went to a meeting today and my first sponsor was there. She said something I've never heard. She said, "You have to strive to thrive." I think that's so true of recovery. There are a ton of people who are willing to work with us if we want to stay clean, but we have to work for it.

Today I am grateful I still have the willingness to work to stay clean.

Catnap

This is my friend's grandson and his guardian cat. The cat guards him constantly.

Organizing

Thank heavens for friends. Just when I was becoming almost totally overwhelmed by the boxes and mess around my house from this move from hell, two of my girlfriends came over to help. Yesterday my friend worked me like a loaned-out mule and we got every room organized. That's right, I am officially no longer tripping over boxes, I found the space to mop the floor, and we organized all the pictures to be hung today. Today, another friend came over and we hung pictures. Tonight, I am exhausted.

But I still made time for a meeting. Tonight's speaker was celebrating her 13th birthday and had a simple but moving story. Her bottom was my top, but that just goes to show that it isn't the amount of substances we used, but the feelings those substances caused in us that makes us candidates for recovery.

I'm heading off to bed. Tomorrow is Martin Luther King day, and for me, I say, "Thank God almighty. Because of NA, I am truly free at last."

Another Saturday night

I went to a meeting this morning and I've been hitting a few meetings since I've been here. I enjoy them, but I have to say that I miss my small Missouri meetings. Most of the meetings here are huge. I hear from my old home group members (one of them is in the hospital after a bad car wreck) and my other Missouri friends, but tonight it hit me--I am in the big city and I'm feeling very alone.

I know it's all going to work out, but today has been kind of rough. Tomorrow, I'm sure, will be better. I forgot to say, I got my grades from last semester, A, A, A-plus. Yippee. It's amazing what you can do when you're clean.

What "wall"?

It's so neat to be back home. I keep running into people at meetings who were around when I got clean or came long enough ago that I know them from my various times living here in the past. Last night after a good speaker meeting several of us went out to eat. Our group chose Italian and went to this great restaurant where the calzones are so big they look like some sea creature washed ashore.

I saw an old friend who came in the rooms about the same time as me and has had several periods of lengthy clean time. I asked her how she was doing and she responded, "Not well." She'd relapsed again. Over dinner, we discussed what happened this time. "You know," she said, "I got two-and-a-half years clean this time and I just 'hit that wall.'"

No, I guess I don't know. I've hit a lot of walls in recovery. However, at none of these walls did I choose to pick up a drink or a drug: I chose to go over the wall to meetings and, sometimes, make a complete ass of myself by blathering on about how screwed up my life was. I chose to call my sponsor and work a Step. I chose, instead of using, to stay in bed all day with the covers pulled over my head (that works for awhile). I chose to work with a newcomer when my ass was falling off. I chose talk to others to help me stop feeling terminally unique and to get in the middle of the pack. In short, I chose recovery.

In early clean time, I wasted a lot of time speculating. "What if my dad died, could I stay clean then?" He did and I did. "What if my engagement was broken off in a most humiliating way?" It was, and I did. "What if my Mom died? Surely that would be the ultimate excuse to use." She did and I stayed clean. "What if I lost my dog?" Dallas dog died. I wept, I wailed, but I did not use. "What if I got very ill and faced death?" I did, and I stayed clean. "What if I got fired?" I was, and I didn't have to use. In fact, I started my own business just the spite the dumb shits.

This doesn't make me better than anyone else; perhaps it only makes me more stubborn. However, I haven't had to pick up for many years and I can't even think what would cause me to use. Staying clean is a daily, sometimes more frequent, decision, plain and simple.

This particular gal's job for many years has been in the health care field, which puts her in touch with narcotics. On the one hand, she makes a lot of money. Her house is paid off, she proudly showed me her new car in the parking lot after the meeting, she runs her own business; from all outward signs, she is doing well. But I remember the type addict she was, a street hustler, and I remember her dragging back into meetings weighing 100 pounds and looking like death. Maybe she needs to remember that, too. Perhaps a career change is in order? Personally, I'd rather be alive and a whole lot broker and clean than driving a new convertible.

I'm preaching to the choir, I'm sure, but this is a simple, not easy, Program that tells us simply this: We don't use if our butt falls off. Mine has been severely dragging many times in my recovery, but by the Grace of a Higher Power and the tools of the Program, I haven't had to use in a long, long while.

Stick around for the miracle, won't you?

Another meeting

Barbara and I went to a women's meeting tonight that started in my living room about 22 or 23 years ago. The meeting was originally entitled "Eve Goes Straight," but someone along the line someone got some spiritual principles and renamed it after I'd moved away. I always loved the original name, though. It's proof that sometimes poor motives yield good results (although rarely).

The meeting had moved to a women's halfway house and it was crammed with women, mainly newcomers. We enjoyed the meeting then went and had Japanese food. It's great to be back in a city big enough to have all sorts of ethnic foods at all hours of the night.

My first day at work went well. In tonight's tenth step, I won't have much to say "I'll do better tomorrow" about. That is always a blessing and growth for me, one day at a time.

Until later, take it easy but take it, because people are giving it away in meetings all over the world. And it's free.

Happy New Year!

As I sit at my computer and change my manual calendar over to a new year, I am grateful. There are probably tens of emotions swirling right now due to all the recent change in my life, but gratitude tops the list. I glanced at my Yahoo home page this morning and saw prominent clicks for hangover cures. Today, and hopefully one day at a time, I have no need of a cure.

Barbara from northern Arizona is here visiting and we went to the NA New Year's Eve function. She is still sleeping now; she sleeps a lot these days. I remember how badly I felt in those months running up to my transplant, which happened quickly, and I can really feel her pain. Remember her in your prayers, because as the speaker last night said, there are no powers greater than the love our Fellowship has for each other and prayer.

Tomorrow I start a new job and for that, I'm grateful. It will be fun and challenging to have coworkers again. I said in a meeting a few weeks ago that it's easy to sit in meetings and talk spirituality when you don't have to deal with going to work each day. In my recovery, that has been the greatest challenge I've faced, practicing these principles in all my working affairs. Oh yes, relationships, too.

2dogs are enjoying the Arizona sun and their huge back yard. I was able to find a place via Craig's List 1500 miles away that is perfect for me. The house I was going to rent fell through and my attitude was, as it should always be, "God has something better for me." He did. This is a good neighborhood, I'm 13 miles from work and right near the two major freeways I use. It's all good.

I'm missing my Missouri friends, but we call each other frequently and I know I will return to visit. I couldn't have said that a few years ago, but the past 18 months I spent there I met so many wonderful people that I know I'll go back. And who doesn't want to visit Arizona?

Well, enough about my puny life. Remind me to tell you the two near tragedies I avoided on the trip here and yesterday. Two close encounters that reminded me: My angels work overtime!

Happy New Year. Take 2008 one day or one minute at a time, and you can stay clean!

The 1st Step

You can do it! Try again!

Most addicts agree--the first step is the most important one we do, because without it, we are destined to reinvestigate our powerlessness. I'm back in Arizona and very grateful to be here, but missing my friends in Missouri.

I have grave misgivings about keeping my blog since some anonymous twit is using it to try to hurt people I care for. So I'm not sure how much longer I'll be blogging, but in the meantime, I am doing well and am glad to hear from those of you who have long supported my blog.

Until I blog again, take that first step seriously. It's a big one!

Happy birthday to me

I once again have power and am trying to cram for a final that was postponed from Monday night. The ice is melting, I am trying to pack and also trying to celebrate my 23rd clean date. It's all good and I am so grateful for staying clean all these years when so many, who may work better programs than me, do not.

Until I blog again, take it one day at a time.

Waiting for the ice storm

In a few hours, the year's first ice storm will be here in Missouri. It doesn't sound like it will be too bad, but a day or so in the house won't kill me. I've almost finished my finals, 3 research papers and am so glad to be through with the semester. Of course, moving means I'll probably have to transfer to another school, but right now I'm not worrying about that. It will all fall into place.

There's a process I go through when I'm moving from one place to another and perhaps the ice storm comes at a good time. Wherever I've lived in my life and especially in recovery, I've made many friends. But it's always hard to leave one place for another, even if, as in this case, I'm truly going home. As I listen to my friends and in this case my significant other (at least he's significant to me) talk about my leaving, I find I have to allow them to have their feelings and honor their sadness but suppress my own. There is simply no way right now I can process it.

It's not that I don't feel sad to be leaving, but I also feel like it's time, so that makes it easier. The hours I spent packing and sorting and donating give me ample time to process my feelings. This is what I have to do for my own serenity, this taking a job thing. And that means going to Arizona.

As we look back on how we've handled things, we can always, as my dad used to say, play "Monday morning quarterback." In retrospect, there were things I should have seen that I perhaps did glimpse but thought, "Oh, it will be different than that," or "We can work through that." Relationships are hard, there's no other way to say it. I wish I had done some things better, that's for sure.

I have a few hours before the ice storm starts, so I'd better head out to the store to buy food. Lately I haven't been cooking. Until I blog again, may your heart be light and your recovery easy.

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Improve your vocabulary and feed a hungry world. It's fun.

Arizona here I come

With some mixed feelings, of course, I am heading back to Arizona. I was offered a job that will allow me to keep doing some of my other work and with great benefits. I'm just tired of the struggle of health insurance hassles and this just fell into my lap, practically. So, about the 20th I'm heading out.

I haven't had time to blog with finals and packing, but hopefully once I get there, I'll have more to talk about. I'm looking forward to see Ms. Barbara and all my old NA friends, who are excited about my return, or so they say.

Two dogs are getting anxious. They seem to know something's up. Maybe it's all the moving boxes? Until later, take care. It's all good.

Romy eats the hammock

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but Romy seemed to delight in eating the corner of the hammock, so she had to lie on a quilt. Luckily, she survived. She is a canine disaster, but what can you do?

I had a great time in Phoenix, a job offer and a few decisions to make. More later.

Haven't blogged in awhile

I guess life happens, because I've noticed I'm not the only blogger not blogging. I'm heading to Phoenix tomorrow for five days. God has put a career option in my path and I'm exploring it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do; I'll know if and when an offer is made. Do the next right thing; that's my motto.

One of my sponslings with just over 90 days clean had a terrible loss--her father was hit by a car, brain damaged and removed from life support. She not only stayed clean through this terrible event, she grew closer to her mother, experienced tremendous gratitude over the fact that she was clean before he died, and in short, has just blossomed. God is great, isn't he? The Fellowship of NA was there right beside her the entire time with cards, phone calls, at the funeral, walking her through it. It surely made my love of the Fellowship grow even more, if that's possible.

The woman I have blogged about several times with whom I had a great deal of conflict but who helped me tremendously when I was ill died of bone cancer Friday. She had a short but such brave path to death, it was truly inspiring. One of the women she sponsored was having a meltdown over her death with her and she stopped her in her tracks by saying, "I'm spiritually fit." That's the real acid test, isn't it?

We had several great talks together before she died, so I am at peace with it. Early in recovery my friend Jeff T. said his rule of thumb in relationships is that if it's standing between me and the other person, then I have to talk with them about it. I've learned that if I want to try to preserve a friendship, that's the only way to go, as uncomfortable as it may be. I'm just glad I was at peace with our friendship when she passed.

I'm heading out to one of my recovery sister's 50th birthday party. Then it's off to drop two dogs at the boarding place. I hate that. I bought Romy a bone shaped Coleman hammock. She thinks she's going camping. Woo HOO!

Until I blog again, take care and stay clean. It's easier that way.

In Chicago

I'm here for a conference, but I've hit several NA meetings and it's been fun. This is such a great city to get around in, trains, buses, taxis.

The meetings here are pretty big, but also friendly. I've enjoyed myself, but I'm heading home tonight and I'll be glad to get there.

Dinner tonight?

A good friend of mine (I used to sponsor her) had a baby last week, as I mentioned on my blog. I was watching a show half heartedly yesterday as I worked, which was on post-partum depression. I didn't realize how severe this can be.

Many of us, from years of fiddling around with our brains, have damaged our mood patterns, at least that is my opinion. So it wouldn't surprise me that with all the hormones of pregnancy then childbirth and its stressors (she's breastfeeding so she's up every two hours), that my friend would be a bit freaked out. Another thing, her mother lives in another country and she isn't in touch with her, so she doesn't really have a nuclear family to help.

So my friend Lisa and I are taking over dinner for the family tonight. It's an easy dinner: chili, my world famous (the dogs think so, anyway) zucchini bread , and a salad. My friend Lisa is making cornbread so we'll have fun seeing the baby, eating, and having a few laughs.

I am also making time to call her every few days just to check on her: not so much to be a bother, but enough to let her know we care.

Until I blog again, I just wanted to share how good it feels today to think of someone beside me! I may not be much, but I'm all I usually think about!

My best thinking got me here

A blog post today got me thinking, which is not always a good thing. This post had a quote from poet Charles Baudelaire, "a vice is natural, while virtue is artificial because it calls for us to restrain our natural instinct ..."

I was watching Dexter the other night, the sociopathic serial murderer (is that redundant?) who believes he was born evil. His father, when Dexter was young, told him to "Think of your immediate reaction, then say the opposite" when Dexter was trying to pass a psychological profile test. Doing this, he passed.

I've been clean awhile, but I find that sometimes my immediate thinking is just wrong. If I acted on it, I'd have been in big trouble long ago. You'd think after years in recovery, that "wrong" thinking would go away.

Case in point. I had about ten years clean and I was at an ATM behind a person who used the ATM then left his card. I walked up, took the card, then didn't know what to do. The person with me looked at me like I was crazy, took the card from my hand, and yelled after the man, "Hey, you forgot your card." My mind was wondering what to do, what was the right thing to do, I mean, take the card and use it or...?

I'll admit, today I would know what to do, but I still have to think sometimes. In many cases, my thinking is just flat wrong.

A woman flamed me professionally the other day on a list I belong to because I said something that was incorrect. My first instinct was to flame her back. Instead, I did two things. First, I wrote her a pretty decent letter telling her I felt impelled to write because she embarrassed me in front of my professional peers and it hurt my feelings. (I won't mail it.) Then, I found her phone number via her email address and called her and asked her to call me.

People often behave ignorantly, and most of the time it's best to let it slide. But in this case, I really felt like I had to tell her how I felt. It was about how I felt, not about her behavior, if you get the difference.

She emailed me immediately and apologized, saying she was having a bad day and just after she pressed the send button she regretted it. This kept me from stewing about the situation.

I am not yet well, but I'm a darn site better than I was. Progress is a beautiful thing. It's a great fall day and I'm heading out. Until then, be safe. And don't flame people.

NA members please complete membership survey

For anyone who is interested and has not taken the time to do the survey, the link is below.

NA members last completed an anonymous survey in 2003 at the world convention in San Diego , CA . We would like to update the information to more accurately reflect our membership today. The information we gather from the survey helps professionals see NA in a more realistic manner and helps to dispel old myths about our membership. It is our desire to have professionals who refer addicts to NA along with family members and the general public to view Narcotics Anonymous as a viable, credible program of choice for recovery.

We hope to capture a better picture of our global membership by posting the survey online not just distributing it to those who attend a world convention. We want to encourage you and your friends to complete this anonymous survey. You can help us to more accurately reflect the demographics of the worldwide fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. This survey will be online until 31 October 2007 at http://naws.org/surveys/index.php?sid=1 . We thank you for your efforts in completing the survey as well as informing other members to complete it. And, remember, please complete only one survey.

Thank you for allowing us to serve.
NA World Services

Beautiful day on the Osage River

We took off today in my boyfriend's bass boat and drove up the Osage River into the Missouri then into Loose Creek. In Loose Creek, hoards of flying carp crashed into the boat, scaring me out of my seat and into the floor of the boat. I didn't know fish could fly.

These pics show some of the leaves changing and the bottom picture is a beaver dam. We also saw two herons and a bald eagle.

Then I hit my home group so my day was complete.

Things change quickly

When things change, they tend to change quickly, it always seems to me. From the time I was little, I hated change. I realized in my early high school years that my best friend at the time, with whom I could share every detail of my oh so dramatic (I thought) life, was not always going to be my best friend. And I didn't like it.

"But you'll have a new best friend," she pointed out to me when I raised this dilemma with her.

"But I want you!" I wailed mournfully, coming down from a day-long, ditch-school and trip- through-Phoenix acid extravaganza. Of course, I soon left home and have had several best friends since then. And I lived through the changes.

When life changes today, I am now realizing that God is offering me a handpicked opportunity for growth. I may not like it much, because I am a person most comfortable rooted in my past, even if that past is painful. So I try to focus on the future and its possibilities.

Until I blog again, I hope you have a great day.

The sponsorship tree, or high school revisited

I am going to vent and share my experience, strength and hope (and my opinion) with something I see going on in my area as well as what I've seen in a few other areas. That is the NA cliches.
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In the year between eighth grade and high school I started using to fit in somewhere. When I came to NA, I quickly found a group of people who loved me and put up with my two years of the revolving door syndrome; but there were plenty of people who shunned me, I mean flat out even were rude to me, laughed at me with others, and in short thought I was a flake. Most of them aren't clean today. They were the movers and shakers in the area and at region. I clearly remember when I worked at the World Service Office and some of these regional representatives came over for Conference, they excluded me from their lunches and dinners, and boy, that felt like crap.

It's true, we don't have to like everyone we meet in the rooms or make the decision to hang out with them. But we should extend an atmosphere of love and tolerance and at least feign interest in newcomers when they are at meetings, in my opinion.

Last weekend our area, which is actually three cities about 60 miles apart and the area in between, held a picnic in the largest city, halfway between my city and the city 60 miles away. I grabbed a newcomer who was going through a rough time and was driving everyone crazy and drove up for the picnic.

I'd never been to this park, and when I got there, it was huge. We drove through the park for half an hour and never did find the meeting. No one had bothered to put up a sign, in my way of thinking because this particular portion of NA is so proud of its cliquishness it just overlooked that anyone who wasn't part of the 'in crowd' wouldn't recognize the vehicles. Not such a great message to show the newcomer.

But wait, there's more. There is much talk in this bigger town of "sponsorship trees." I hear often, usually from newcomers, "Oh, she's in my sponsorship tree," or "He's my grand sponsor."

Today one of the big NA cliches is having a BBQ for everyone in several "sponsorship trees," which means that much of the area, especially newcomers, are excluded. Now I don't know how to fix that or if we need to fix that, but I do think this: This was not the intent of sponsorship.

So I've had my vent for the day and look forward to your input. I preach the gospel of "Who put you in charge of that," so I don't talk about this except in my blog and with my sponsor, who would never condone this type of activity. I think it's high school thinking to exclude people from gatherings because they aren't "a branch in your tree." What do you think?

I've got to be ME!

Meet Schatz; she's Oz' half sister on their sire's side, Bastin. Isn't she a ham? To visit her mom, a fellow recovery blogger, click here!

I met Schatz' mom when she googled Schatz' sire's name, and she found me. She's in recovery, too. Shatz is with her in Illinois.

Ms. Romy gets ready for fall

Depression in recovery

NA is going through a big redefining, it seems, of the use of medications, including methadone, in recovery. There was a great meeting at World Convention on this topic, which has generated another outpouring of discussion. I think eventually we'll reach some sort of consensus; however, I try to stay out of the fray. I have strong opinions, but they are just that, my opinions which have arisen out of 1) my personal biases and 2) the flaming failures I've seen over the years of those who choose to take medications in recovery without proper oversight.

Last night a young gal approached me at a meeting because she's having trouble with her medications for anxiety and sleeplessness. I am not a psychiatrist; I'm not qualified to counsel her regarding what to do about anxiety and which drugs are okay to use within our confines. I simply referred her to a woman who is a local resource who will help her find a psychiatrist that is familiar with the addiction model.

Early in my recovery, I watched a gal who had psychosis stop taking all her medications, allegedly at her sponsor's request. She soon starting coming to meetings wearing a gun belt and carrying a racket ball racket in her purse, with the back window missing from her car. Then she called a friend of mine in a panic and said the Secret Service were watching her. He went over to visit her to try to calm her down only to be confronted in her front yard by--the Secret Service. Apparently she had written the President at the time a few bizarre letters.

This was a powerful lesson to me. As much as I know which drugs I can take with impunity (and there aren't many) and which ones I can't, it's not my job to give advice to a newcomer about medication. I can only hope she gets a good psychiatrist who can guide her in her choice of medications.

There are people who I watch struggle, I mean struggle, with depression in recovery. I really feel for them, because in some cases, you can work The Steps until you drop, but the depression is obviously a chemical imbalance from years of torquing our own chemistry or a hereditary problem. I dislike the black and white thinking I sometimes hear that "I just work The Steps and if you did, you wouldn't be depressed." I usually approach these people after the meeting and ask where they were credentialed.

Our literature is clear. There are times in recovery, and this includes for some of us our entire lives, that we must take medication. That decision is one best made with a doctor and a very savvy sponsor.

Another good meeting

I'm in St. Louis because I have to attend a business meeting tomorrow. I brought Oz with me and hit a meeting near my hotel. It was a Traditions meeting, Tradition Nine was the topic. I enjoyed it. I always enjoy attending meetings out of town because I can usually put principles before personalities. I'm entering a meeting and don't know anyone, so I have no preconceived notions.

One man was celebrating his 18th birthday and started the meeting for apologizing for his outburst the previous week. Where else can you go where you've behaved like a jerk and walk in the next time and no one says "Hey, are you going to behave tonight?"

It's a great thing that there are no rules in our Fellowship and no requirement for membership other than a desire to stop using substances. I was always a rebel and if anyone told me that I had to sit a certain place or behave a certain way, I probably wouldn't have gone back.

I'm grateful today I stuck around long enough to experience the miracle.

Help me, I'm melting!

I melt down often. Well, not often, but at least about once a quarter. I never know exactly what triggers it. It might be something small that breaks the camel's proverbial back. I can give you some meltdown examples from the past few years.

1. I couldn't get an issue resolved with the cable company. Although I had transferred my service to someone else's name, I kept getting the bill and so did they. It was affecting my phone service since it was a global billing (note to self--never buy into global billing again!). I spent hours on the phone and more hours trying to get it resolved until I was literally screaming at the customer service person. The result? They transferred me to someone who could help, in the process, they cut me off. Think that was a coincidence? Once I calmed down, I called the public utilities commission who told me what number to call for the head honchos and it appears there is a solution in sight.


2. I had been looking for a job with no results for about six months. I had a job interview that sounded like it might be a fit. When I got there, four different men spent about an hour talking to me for what turned out to be a clerical position. One was very condescending. I left there feeling so humiliated I could barely stand it. I talked to someone about it and I felt better.


3. I completed a project for a client that I thought was what she wanted. I spent about two full days working on it. It wasn't what she wanted at all. It was my fault, after all, because I hadn't outlined the project before beginning. I assumed she still wanted what she thought she wanted originally although several weeks had passed. I waited a day or so before contacting her and worked through my feelings, mostly disappointment. But boy, in the meantime, I was a mess. I simply kept on keeping on and worked through it. I didn't listen to any voice telling me I would never be successful as a writer.
   

I get overwhelmed from time to time; I think we all do. Sometimes when it seems like it's all crap I have to think about how I'm framing things. For example, a gal who is in charge of our newsletter e-mailed me in a panic asking me to do an article on Tradition Three. She said that the person who was going to do the article didn't. It took me about two hours and I e-mailed it to her.

The next night I saw her at a meeting and she was complaining how sick she was of service. She said "No one" ever helps her. I pointed out to her that I had helped her. I wasn't no one. Using terms like that, my friends, is catastrophizing.

I do it too. When I get mad, I frequently say "You ALWAYS do that!" or "You never do this," using those black or white terms. That's usually far from the truth. If we really examine those statements, most of the time things like that irritate us happen, but we tend to get overly emotional and use terms like "never," "always," "continuously," "every time," etc.

When I call my sponsor in a snit, she always tells me firmly, "Lose the drama." She's right, of course, although it often hurts my feelings. When I'm in the middle of a drama that revolves around me, I can't think correctly; I'm swinging from the emotional vine yelling "Tarzan." (Actually, that's me, Jane, on the far right, looking bewildered.)

Melting down is part of the life of an emotionally labile person like me. It took me many years of recovery before I saw that trait because no one ever pointed it out. Or if they did, I wasn't ready to hear it. I just swung hysterically through jobs, leaving because my boss "didn't appreciate me" or pay me well enough, rather than practice patience and try to avoid seeing everything as an attack upon me as a female. (Although in some cases it was, but that's another story.)

I have grown in the past decades of recovery, but it has been a slow, painful process. I'm glad I now have a sponsor who isn't afraid of hurting my feelings to get my attention. My meltdowns are now fewer, less dramatic and shorter. That, dear readers, is growth.

Get in the middle of the pack

When I first came around the rooms, I heard this expression often. I had been a loner, an isolator, a rebel without a cause for so many years, I didn't think that expression applied to me. I was terminally unique, as many of us that come in and out of the rooms feel we are. I was sure that no one had ever been through what I'd been through or used drugs the way that I had.

Today I can safely say I've been around well over two decades and I'm still in the middle of the pack. I go to at least three or four meetings a week, I am of service in my home group and of some help in general service to the Fellowship, speaking at H&I meetings when I can and sponsoring a few wonderful women.

The other night at my home group I was swilling down a wonderful cup of coffee, looking at faces of people I have grown to love and feeling very lucky to be part of this wonderful Fellowship. Because I "suit up and show up," share my experience, I hope, in a non-judgmental way, I can be of maximum service to my fellow addicts and to society as a whole.

This person is a far cry from that shattered gal who vibrated into meetings for the first time almost 25 years ago. Today there is such abundance in my life--friends; relationships with siblings that grow stronger every year; 2 dogs, of course; and a strong presence in my life of a partner with whom I'm struggling, on a daily basis, to connect with.
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We often fail forward, don't we? When we stumble in recovery, we don't fall back, we really fall a few steps forward. When I stay in the middle of the pack, it's easier to sort out the next right action I have to take to get back on the path to recovery.

Until next time, stay in the middle of the pack. You'll find with winter soon coming, it's much warmer and safer there.

The Gratitude Dance

Seeing God in nature

say

Sometimes when I'm blue, I spend some time in nature to remember that I'm not the center of the universe. I've been working a 4th Step for quite awhile, waiting to meet my sponsor face-to-face to do my 5th. I thought I was finished, but alas, a new character defect has come to my attention quite suddenly. That character defect--inflexibility.

I loved my mother more than anyone on earth, I think, God bless her soul. But she was a trifle inflexible and I always found that trait extremely frustrating and saw the problems it caused in her marriage of 50 plus years to my father. I always swore I wouldn't be inflexible. But often when we say "I'll never be like her or him," we throw the baby out with the bathwater, and reject that person's good characteristics as well. I certainly didn't inherit my mother's wonderful trait of loving kindness; I've had to work on that trait.

I was a free spirit. I always was the little hippie dippy gal, running around the U.S. in braids and a knitted cap, living here and there, hitchhiking, on a whim, to wherever I felt I needed to be. I was not, I was sure, an inflexible person.

Okay, so I know when it comes to 2dogs, I am inflexible. That I will readily admit. I didn't realize, though, that I'm inflexible in some many other ways, nor did I realize the effects that inflexibility has on others in my life.

Last night I talked about this trait at a meeting. There was a woman visiting from a large city at the meeting who proceeded to give me all sorts of advice about what I should do (crosstalk, as I define it). I know when we travel out of our own element we sometimes think we can go to small towns and "set people right" with our superior experience, strength and hope. Frankly, it just annoyed me. But I digress.

I know what actions to take. This ain't my first rodeo. It's more in depth inventory and a call to my sponsor.

I wrote a letter of amends to a person who has been hurt by my inflexibility but didn't mail it because frankly, it digressed into a bit of an angry overtone, which is not what amends are about. Amends are "I was wrong; I'm sorry," not a "I did this but you did that, so you are wrong here, too."

So until I post again, have a great day. Fall is in the air in Missouri and frankly, I'm looking forward to it.

If you're not hearing what you need to in meetings

Maybe you're not listening hard enough. This beautiful pic was taken by Barb, our fellow blogger. Isn't that great?

I find that when I don't hear what I need in meetings, it's sometimes because I'm so busy judging the content of the character of the speaker who is sharing. It is so hard to suspend judgment sometimes, isn't it?

But it's terribly important that we put principles before personalities, especially in smaller towns where the same people hit the same meetings again and again. I am blessed to have a lot of clean time and I find that people watch how I act and what I say. If I portray even the slightest negativity toward another NA member, they are quick to pick up on it and add their two cents. So I work at keeping my facial expressions neutral (which is hard for me) and my comments kind.

Last night I walked into a store behind one of our Fellowship's younger members. His pants were bagging and I immediately began to take his inventory. Then I remembered: This young man spent most of his formative years in correctional facilities. He's working hard, he has a young son he loves to death, and he's trying to clean up his language in meetings. Who am I to judge him? I didn't have the same upbringing; I'm not a single parent; my language is far from perfect. Thank God I am learning tolerance and mercy in Narcotics Anonymous.

There's another young couple in NA who have a few months clean but have been in and out for years. They are so busy taking everyone else's inventory regarding how they work their programs, I can't imagine how they find time to take their own. They both have sponsors and hopefully at some point their sponsors will point this out. Until then, I don't have to participate; I can walk away or gently remind them to "take their own inventories."

It's a daily walk toward becoming a better human being, isn't it?

Don't pick up that lip balm!

It could be addicting!

This must be what serenity means

I was driving along yesterday feeling very content, thinking that my life is almost perfect. I can't think of one thing to complain about, at least not for the past few days. If my parents were still alive, my life would be absolutely perfect. That's the only thing I can say I feel the slightest regret about.

I think this feeling is serenity! Or joy. Or some other by-product of right living. And as for my parents, I am just grateful that I had them for all the years I did.

Life, today, is good. When there is a problem, it's a much higher quality of problem than I had in my using days. So until tomorrow, I'm going to relish this feeling.

Day Three

I'm home now, but had a great time and no time to blog further while there. Every minute was something new to do, a meeting to go to, a walk along the San Antonio Riverwalk, or a new restaurant to check out. As I get older, I find myself more distanced from NA, at least here in Missouri where most of the newcomers are crack or meth addicts and much, much younger (the courts drag them in young these days!).

I'm always a little concerned about how addicts in large groups will behave, recalling how badly I did in early recovery. I remember once at a regional convention in Denver we were in a hotel that was shaped like a pyramid, with staggered balconies. I talked a friend of mine, Mike, into lobbying an M-80 off my balcony onto another balcony above of a friend from Arizona, Michael U, to wake him up because he had an early flight to catch.

Unbeknownst to us, his door was open and the M80 hit the end of his bed and about scared him into a heart attack. We were laughing uproariously when my phone rang in my room. "God loves you, Nancy," Mike said, furiously, "I'm trying to."

But World is the top of the food chain addicts, generally speaking, because it costs a bit to get there and register and stay in the pricey hotels. The behavior, I'm saying without trying to sound like a snob, was awesome. Everywhere we went in San Antonio in the downtown, there were addicts with their name tags and smiles and hugs. There was so much love in the air, it was infectious. The people of San Antonio, the drivers who shuttled us, the convention center employees who served us volumes of coffee and snackies, everyone was awesome and friendly.

If you've never been to a World Convention, save $10 a week because in 2009, it's going to Barcelona, Spain. I hope to see you there. And a shout out to WSO employees and the members who made this possible--You did an awesome job! We thank you!