Help me, I'm melting!

I melt down often. Well, not often, but at least about once a quarter. I never know exactly what triggers it. It might be something small that breaks the camel's proverbial back. I can give you some meltdown examples from the past few years.

1. I couldn't get an issue resolved with the cable company. Although I had transferred my service to someone else's name, I kept getting the bill and so did they. It was affecting my phone service since it was a global billing (note to self--never buy into global billing again!). I spent hours on the phone and more hours trying to get it resolved until I was literally screaming at the customer service person. The result? They transferred me to someone who could help, in the process, they cut me off. Think that was a coincidence? Once I calmed down, I called the public utilities commission who told me what number to call for the head honchos and it appears there is a solution in sight.


2. I had been looking for a job with no results for about six months. I had a job interview that sounded like it might be a fit. When I got there, four different men spent about an hour talking to me for what turned out to be a clerical position. One was very condescending. I left there feeling so humiliated I could barely stand it. I talked to someone about it and I felt better.


3. I completed a project for a client that I thought was what she wanted. I spent about two full days working on it. It wasn't what she wanted at all. It was my fault, after all, because I hadn't outlined the project before beginning. I assumed she still wanted what she thought she wanted originally although several weeks had passed. I waited a day or so before contacting her and worked through my feelings, mostly disappointment. But boy, in the meantime, I was a mess. I simply kept on keeping on and worked through it. I didn't listen to any voice telling me I would never be successful as a writer.
   

I get overwhelmed from time to time; I think we all do. Sometimes when it seems like it's all crap I have to think about how I'm framing things. For example, a gal who is in charge of our newsletter e-mailed me in a panic asking me to do an article on Tradition Three. She said that the person who was going to do the article didn't. It took me about two hours and I e-mailed it to her.

The next night I saw her at a meeting and she was complaining how sick she was of service. She said "No one" ever helps her. I pointed out to her that I had helped her. I wasn't no one. Using terms like that, my friends, is catastrophizing.

I do it too. When I get mad, I frequently say "You ALWAYS do that!" or "You never do this," using those black or white terms. That's usually far from the truth. If we really examine those statements, most of the time things like that irritate us happen, but we tend to get overly emotional and use terms like "never," "always," "continuously," "every time," etc.

When I call my sponsor in a snit, she always tells me firmly, "Lose the drama." She's right, of course, although it often hurts my feelings. When I'm in the middle of a drama that revolves around me, I can't think correctly; I'm swinging from the emotional vine yelling "Tarzan." (Actually, that's me, Jane, on the far right, looking bewildered.)

Melting down is part of the life of an emotionally labile person like me. It took me many years of recovery before I saw that trait because no one ever pointed it out. Or if they did, I wasn't ready to hear it. I just swung hysterically through jobs, leaving because my boss "didn't appreciate me" or pay me well enough, rather than practice patience and try to avoid seeing everything as an attack upon me as a female. (Although in some cases it was, but that's another story.)

I have grown in the past decades of recovery, but it has been a slow, painful process. I'm glad I now have a sponsor who isn't afraid of hurting my feelings to get my attention. My meltdowns are now fewer, less dramatic and shorter. That, dear readers, is growth.

Get in the middle of the pack

When I first came around the rooms, I heard this expression often. I had been a loner, an isolator, a rebel without a cause for so many years, I didn't think that expression applied to me. I was terminally unique, as many of us that come in and out of the rooms feel we are. I was sure that no one had ever been through what I'd been through or used drugs the way that I had.

Today I can safely say I've been around well over two decades and I'm still in the middle of the pack. I go to at least three or four meetings a week, I am of service in my home group and of some help in general service to the Fellowship, speaking at H&I meetings when I can and sponsoring a few wonderful women.

The other night at my home group I was swilling down a wonderful cup of coffee, looking at faces of people I have grown to love and feeling very lucky to be part of this wonderful Fellowship. Because I "suit up and show up," share my experience, I hope, in a non-judgmental way, I can be of maximum service to my fellow addicts and to society as a whole.

This person is a far cry from that shattered gal who vibrated into meetings for the first time almost 25 years ago. Today there is such abundance in my life--friends; relationships with siblings that grow stronger every year; 2 dogs, of course; and a strong presence in my life of a partner with whom I'm struggling, on a daily basis, to connect with.
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We often fail forward, don't we? When we stumble in recovery, we don't fall back, we really fall a few steps forward. When I stay in the middle of the pack, it's easier to sort out the next right action I have to take to get back on the path to recovery.

Until next time, stay in the middle of the pack. You'll find with winter soon coming, it's much warmer and safer there.

The Gratitude Dance

Seeing God in nature

say

Sometimes when I'm blue, I spend some time in nature to remember that I'm not the center of the universe. I've been working a 4th Step for quite awhile, waiting to meet my sponsor face-to-face to do my 5th. I thought I was finished, but alas, a new character defect has come to my attention quite suddenly. That character defect--inflexibility.

I loved my mother more than anyone on earth, I think, God bless her soul. But she was a trifle inflexible and I always found that trait extremely frustrating and saw the problems it caused in her marriage of 50 plus years to my father. I always swore I wouldn't be inflexible. But often when we say "I'll never be like her or him," we throw the baby out with the bathwater, and reject that person's good characteristics as well. I certainly didn't inherit my mother's wonderful trait of loving kindness; I've had to work on that trait.

I was a free spirit. I always was the little hippie dippy gal, running around the U.S. in braids and a knitted cap, living here and there, hitchhiking, on a whim, to wherever I felt I needed to be. I was not, I was sure, an inflexible person.

Okay, so I know when it comes to 2dogs, I am inflexible. That I will readily admit. I didn't realize, though, that I'm inflexible in some many other ways, nor did I realize the effects that inflexibility has on others in my life.

Last night I talked about this trait at a meeting. There was a woman visiting from a large city at the meeting who proceeded to give me all sorts of advice about what I should do (crosstalk, as I define it). I know when we travel out of our own element we sometimes think we can go to small towns and "set people right" with our superior experience, strength and hope. Frankly, it just annoyed me. But I digress.

I know what actions to take. This ain't my first rodeo. It's more in depth inventory and a call to my sponsor.

I wrote a letter of amends to a person who has been hurt by my inflexibility but didn't mail it because frankly, it digressed into a bit of an angry overtone, which is not what amends are about. Amends are "I was wrong; I'm sorry," not a "I did this but you did that, so you are wrong here, too."

So until I post again, have a great day. Fall is in the air in Missouri and frankly, I'm looking forward to it.

If you're not hearing what you need to in meetings

Maybe you're not listening hard enough. This beautiful pic was taken by Barb, our fellow blogger. Isn't that great?

I find that when I don't hear what I need in meetings, it's sometimes because I'm so busy judging the content of the character of the speaker who is sharing. It is so hard to suspend judgment sometimes, isn't it?

But it's terribly important that we put principles before personalities, especially in smaller towns where the same people hit the same meetings again and again. I am blessed to have a lot of clean time and I find that people watch how I act and what I say. If I portray even the slightest negativity toward another NA member, they are quick to pick up on it and add their two cents. So I work at keeping my facial expressions neutral (which is hard for me) and my comments kind.

Last night I walked into a store behind one of our Fellowship's younger members. His pants were bagging and I immediately began to take his inventory. Then I remembered: This young man spent most of his formative years in correctional facilities. He's working hard, he has a young son he loves to death, and he's trying to clean up his language in meetings. Who am I to judge him? I didn't have the same upbringing; I'm not a single parent; my language is far from perfect. Thank God I am learning tolerance and mercy in Narcotics Anonymous.

There's another young couple in NA who have a few months clean but have been in and out for years. They are so busy taking everyone else's inventory regarding how they work their programs, I can't imagine how they find time to take their own. They both have sponsors and hopefully at some point their sponsors will point this out. Until then, I don't have to participate; I can walk away or gently remind them to "take their own inventories."

It's a daily walk toward becoming a better human being, isn't it?

Don't pick up that lip balm!

It could be addicting!

This must be what serenity means

I was driving along yesterday feeling very content, thinking that my life is almost perfect. I can't think of one thing to complain about, at least not for the past few days. If my parents were still alive, my life would be absolutely perfect. That's the only thing I can say I feel the slightest regret about.

I think this feeling is serenity! Or joy. Or some other by-product of right living. And as for my parents, I am just grateful that I had them for all the years I did.

Life, today, is good. When there is a problem, it's a much higher quality of problem than I had in my using days. So until tomorrow, I'm going to relish this feeling.

Day Three

I'm home now, but had a great time and no time to blog further while there. Every minute was something new to do, a meeting to go to, a walk along the San Antonio Riverwalk, or a new restaurant to check out. As I get older, I find myself more distanced from NA, at least here in Missouri where most of the newcomers are crack or meth addicts and much, much younger (the courts drag them in young these days!).

I'm always a little concerned about how addicts in large groups will behave, recalling how badly I did in early recovery. I remember once at a regional convention in Denver we were in a hotel that was shaped like a pyramid, with staggered balconies. I talked a friend of mine, Mike, into lobbying an M-80 off my balcony onto another balcony above of a friend from Arizona, Michael U, to wake him up because he had an early flight to catch.

Unbeknownst to us, his door was open and the M80 hit the end of his bed and about scared him into a heart attack. We were laughing uproariously when my phone rang in my room. "God loves you, Nancy," Mike said, furiously, "I'm trying to."

But World is the top of the food chain addicts, generally speaking, because it costs a bit to get there and register and stay in the pricey hotels. The behavior, I'm saying without trying to sound like a snob, was awesome. Everywhere we went in San Antonio in the downtown, there were addicts with their name tags and smiles and hugs. There was so much love in the air, it was infectious. The people of San Antonio, the drivers who shuttled us, the convention center employees who served us volumes of coffee and snackies, everyone was awesome and friendly.

If you've never been to a World Convention, save $10 a week because in 2009, it's going to Barcelona, Spain. I hope to see you there. And a shout out to WSO employees and the members who made this possible--You did an awesome job! We thank you!

NA World Convention, Day 2

It is 12:36 a.m. San Antonio time and I want a candy bar. There is not one vending machine in this hotel. My personal opinion is that WSO should not patronize hotels without vending machines. What is a self-respecting addict to do who needs an M&M fix at almost 1 a.m. and can't get one without getting dressed and walking three long dark blocks to do? This is just not right.

Tonight I hit the marathon meetings, which were, well, dramatic to say the least. Although our Fellowship is at last count (2006) 45 percent female, it's mainly the men that talk in many meetings. I usually get my two cents worth in to tell women they can't save their a-- and their face at the same time, and that it's their meeting too, but we had a bunch of preachers at the meetings who thought they were attending On and On Anon instead of NA and well, that's how the marathon meetings are going at this point. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

However, I digress. I went to a few workshops today; one on public information and carrying the message to the medical community, which was great. There is a new small folder available we can use in PI for the professional community, parole officers, doctors, etc., that allows us to spread the real message of NA. You know, not the "There's no clean time there," and we're all "low bottom. Did you know that only 3 percent of addicts in the US are on the street drug users (a statistic one doctor-addict gave today), the rest get dressed and go to work each day. Maybe that's where we need to carry the message?

The membership survey that the Fellowship put out and is part of this packet shows another statistic: 40 percent of NA members who responded to the survey attend other Fellowships. That that, NA "purists," with your t-shirts and hats and bad attitudes.

Meg is ready to go to sleep, so this rant must end soon. I am having fun, seeing some old friends and making a new one or two. Tomorrow, if I remember, I'll tell you about the other workshop I went to: "Who's left out of our meetings." Here's the tease: It broke down to age and culture. Until tomorrow, don't get loaded. There is a whole life out there to look forward to, I promise.

Another airport

A nice pic of the mighty Colorado river.

Waiting in the Las Vegas airport for my flight to San Antonio and the NA World Convention. Meg is meeting me at the airport. We are going to have a blast, no doubt about it.


I spent the past two days with my family, a cousin, nieces and nephew, and two of my three brothers. We really had fun. Las Vegas is not my cup of tea; however, it was worth it to spend time with my great family.



More from World!

Just in case you don't have enough addictions ...

A new study finds that, yikes, over half of those who tan are "addicted" to tanning. Without sun exposure, they experience withdrawals symptoms. Geez, what will they think of next? I can see thousands of tanners coming together to form Tanners Anonymous, or "TA."

I wonder if these scientists actually funding to do this research? Some nerds clearly have too much time on their hands.

Well, I'd give you the morning women's meeting update, but not much happened. However, one of my sponslings who has become a dear friend celebrated her 7th birthday today. That was really heartwarming. She's one of those positive people that always sees your glass as half full, even when you think it's half empty and has a leak in it. Don't you just hate that? When all you want to do is say "Waah" and have the whole world pat you on your back and commiserate, and some bright thing says "Yes, but ...."

Until tomorrow, have a great day. And, stay out of the sun! Who needs another 12 Step meeting to fit into our schedules?

Worth a look

Check out this man's art, if you haven't already.

Love is the killer app

Check out this cutey. I wonder if he'll turn out to be a snarly chihuahua or a nice one? How do you vote? I've been meditating on staying in my heart and then, wham, someone sends me this e-mail. Think it's a coincidence?

A few nights ago I went to the prison here and spoke with a group of convicts, many of whom were doing life, who are running a meeting twice a week. Only one or two people in the Program support the meeting; for the most part, they are on their own, which to me is pretty sad and doesn't speak well for the Fellowship here, but I digress.

Despite some of them facing many more years behind bars, they seemed to have a lot of serenity. One of the things they're doing is learning, with the help of their meeting sponsor, to garden. They've gradually acquired about a football field size plot to grow vegetables, strawberries, and other crops.


The inmates don't consume the bulk of the food--they give it away to needy community members. They spoke with pride about feeding 23 families last year with their produce. I don't think they learned that in prison, I think they learned that through their work in the Fellowship.

When I first got into recovery, I was one tough cookie. It wasn't until I had about three years clean that I decided I'd better work on becoming more loving. I started to try to find ways to break down the walls around my heart. I did some body work, but I think the most effective thing I did was to visualize my heart as bricked in by bricks with crumbling mortar. I actually visualized the walls crumbling, the bricks falling out.

I don't think it helped immediately to a great degree, but I think over the years, my heart has become much more open. Today, I see that open heart as a blessing. There was a great article in Fast Company magazine about five years ago called "Love is the Killer App." I have always remembered this saying and I believe it's true.

For those of you worrying about Meg, I received an e-mail from her this morning. She has a newcomer on her couch and a spring in her step, because one week from today, we'll be meeting in San Antonio for NA World. I can't wait.

Until I see you again, remember, love is the killer app!

I'm still alive

I've been off my blog lately; just don't have the time or the ambition at this point. I had a great talk with Barbara today; she's doing well and reminds me that, even in adverse conditions, we can walk forward with faith.

I'm trying to finalize a few projects and get out of Dodge; heading for Las Vegas to see my niece turn 21. My brothers, two nieces, my cousin and I will all have a fine time, I'm sure. I'd rather choke on a bone than go to Vegas, but to see my family, well, it's worth it.

With the death of my parents, I felt like the last people who "got me" are gone. But then, I have my brothers, and I'm so grateful that at least they still "get" me. Last night my significant other reminded me, once again, of how selfish he perceives me. What can I say? He's probably right. I do have a pattern of picking people who find me lacking. This is about me, not them, so I'm determined to release others to their Higher good, and live my life authentically. I can only be who I am, no one else.

I'm looking forward, after Vegas, of meeting Meg in Houston, and a few other bloggers, I've heard, are going. That will be great. It's the gift of the Fellowship that's allowed me to plan to go to World a year ago and be able to follow through on that plan.

Life is short, so I've decided to be happy. I hope you are, too.

She's flipped her wig!

There was a women on Today this morning who designs wigs for dogs. She even has a Trump comb over. So, if your dog is getting a little thin on top, you know there's help available.

Today was not a good day

Number one, I forgot my brother's birthday, although I've had a card laid out for him for a month. Then, and this if funny, I decided to listen to "The Secret," which I got on Amazon on CD. I put it in and sat down to listen. My mind was drifting all over the place when suddenly, as I was listening to this tape about the power of positive thinking, I thought, "What if it's scratched and I have to send it back to Amazon? I don't know where the receipt is." A few minutes later, sure enough, it started skipping. I'm not sure that was a coincidence, since the gist of the tape is that anything you can imagine good or bad will come to you attached to a big vat of glue and paste itself into your life. Or something like that.

Anyway, I've been alternately angry and sad today. I heard someone ask another member the other day when they were explaining how pissed off they were about something, "So what would you be mad about if that hadn't happened?" That struck a bullseye with me.

I've been working really hard at changing my negative thought patterns, reading Catherine Ponder and a few other teachers. It's a full time job for me, taming this mind which runs like a hamster on a wheel.

I shared at a meeting tonight about how I felt today; that things in my life were so messed up it would be better if I just gave up and used. Their eyes went really wide, but that's the insanity of our addiction and if we don't write or talk about, well, you all know, we're only as sick as our secrets.

I have few words of wisdom because I am such a fundamentally flawed human being. I realize that this blog is a big joke as I feel my life is, sometimes. But it's a cosmic joke and I have no choice but to keep slogging. Besides, I want to find out what happens at the end.

Until soon, take care and be sure and share at meetings all your insane thoughts so that newcomers' eyes will bug out like meerkats. We need to give them our experience, strength and hope.

PS Meg: Romy is allowed near the refrigerator only if I'm in attendance. Two more weeks!

My path in life

Come in through the night
It is the only way around.

Okay, kids, it seems I'm going to have to explain my poem, which means the poem doesn't work. It isn't ominous, it's just an affirmation that we often walk through darkness to reach the light, the peace, the serenity. There is no other way to find it. We have to walk through fire, through feelings, through whatever our Higher Power puts in our paths, to find the grace.

I have had many dark nights, years of dark nights, in fact, but today, due to God's grace and the Fellowship, I have seen the light and it is good.

Pillow fight

It's so hot here the dogs have resorted to playing in the house. This pillow made a great item to fight over. Luckily, no one was hurt in the filming of this episode, including me.

Avoiding opinions

Last night my home group turned into a very uncomfortable meeting. When the chair asked for topics, one of our newcomers, who incidentally has been in and out for years and now has about three or four months, wanted to talk about how he thought it was best for people only to go to NA and not introduce themselves as "clean and sober." Of course, as we started going around the table, the meeting degenerated into an "opinion" meeting.

There were two newcomers there and I should have, when it came my turn to share, nipped the debate in the bud. I know better. Our Fellowship's meetings are not to share opinions, but to share our experience, strength and hope to describe how we managed to stay clean. Or, if we do have a strong opinion, to clarify it's just that, a personal opinion.

By the time I left the meeting, I felt pretty sick. The meeting was one opinion after another and most of the members had been there under a year so have very little perspective on what it really takes to trudge along year after year, through life on life's terms, and stay clean.

I believe meeting time should be used to share how we got clean, not our opinion about how meetings should be run or to promote our personal agenda. I celebrate and respect our Traditions, but it is absolutely none of my business where other people go, how they work their Steps, if their sponsor is in another Fellowship, or how they introduce themselves. I can chat with them after the meeting if I want to give input, but other than that, I need to work my own program, not everyone else's program.

After the meeting, I talked to my home group members to discuss my concerns. If I'm in another meeting where this happens, it's my responsibility as a member with time in the Fellowship who has watched many, many Program die-hards relapse with their tight-ass beliefs, to remind people that opinions are just that--opinions. And everyone has one.

Dallas is styling in her Doggles

This is my beautiful Belgian malinois, Dallas, who was my best friend for many years until she passed away. She was an old soul, the wisest dog I have ever known. I miss her every day.