Have I lost the right to remain anonymous?

An amazing week in Zion, where Oz, my husband and I met up with my brother (who's in AA with two years sober). It isn't hard to know there is some Higher Power guiding us when one looks at the magnificence of Zion. The dusting of snow, which turned more intense late in the day forcing us to abandon touring more parks, made everything amazingly pristine.

Back to the reality of Arizona, I was lunching the other day, reading Facebook and eating a Smashburger (sorry, Vegans), when two men sat down next to me. One was older and he was questioning the younger, painfully thin man across from him. The story the young man told in response to his questions caught my ear.

The young man admitted he was "hitting the pipe" and was trying to quit using. The older man suggested he help the young man get a job to get him back on track. I know from first-hand experience that it will take more than a job to help this young man.

I didn't want to intrude, but felt impelled to do something. I didn't have any literature in the car, but I did write a note and give them the number of NA, telling them I had over 30 years clean in the rooms. I also gave them the number for a local detox center. They took the note, read it and thanked me as I left. I didn't feel like I could say more.

I celebrated my 30 years clean and sober last week. I've been reflecting a lot on the past three decades. And what I've come up with is that for years, I've kept a veil of anonymity between my recovery and my career. I don't tell people I'm in recovery unless they need to know. 

Somewhere I read that the original founders of AA didn't believe we should be "too" anonymous. People should be able to find us if they need help. The early AAs gave their first and last names at the podium, so that if someone wanted to look them up in the phone book, they could, I think I heard early in my recovery.

When I had my 30 years, I did post on my non-personal Facebook page about my anniversary. No one said too much, and I don't think most people knew or suspected. But truly, when I was blessed with this gift of recovery, I wonder if I have lost the right to too much anonymity.

What do you think?

I'm back!

I've been incredibly busy, as my recovery has taken me on loads of new adventures. I married the most wonderful person in the world a few months ago. He's a fellow 12-stepper and was my best friend for a number of years until I did the work necessary for me to trust again.

It's amazing that we can be clean and sober so long yet still hang on to so many old hurts and haunts, isn't it? I did about 18 months of group therapy in an amazing group here in the Phoenix area. Many of my friends were alumna of the group, and I finally went. It allowed me to do some work on my childhood and on the abuse I went through in my addiction. Needless to say, none of us gets here in a vacuum and for me, I had to work through a boatload of pain before I felt ready to be in a truly intimate relationship.

He is truly my better half -- more tolerant, more patient and more mature. So it's been an amazing ride so far.

On December 13, I will have 30 years in recovery. I can scarcely believe it. Where has the time gone? It's interesting too, because lately while I've been feeling like I'm about 35 years old, a few others are starting to treat me as if my life, my career, is at an end. That's been very painful for me and I've been reflecting on whether I'm in denial or others are just inconsiderate.

Our culture is one of youth, but I know the best part of yet to be. Each year gets better. 

I'm trying to raise the money to go to Thailand on a tour with workers who commit their lives to ending sex trafficking. If that happens, I'll go in late January. I'm turning it over and if God wants me there, the money will be there for the trip.

I had a great thanksgiving with my husband's family -- my new family. We have SO much to be grateful for. Oz is now an elder, as well. He's snoozing at my feet. God bless his gray muzzle, which has brought me so much joy.

Sabra (pictured), the young crazy one, is now almost four. She's still very much a pup, racing around the house and emptying waste cans with glee. My husband's dog, a lab/Rhodesian mix, has blended in well.

That's all the news for now, my friends. Keep doing the deal. It works if you walk through the pain. There is joy on the other side.

Big news!

I'm getting married in two weeks. The program has given me the ability today to make good decisions and brought me a man who loves me unconditionally. I feel so lucky. More on my trip as I head to Michigan for the wedding.

Think before you post

I see a lot of crazy behavior on Facebook and I say, “Hey, it’s Facebook; you take the good with the bad.” But today I was simply so appalled by what I read that I felt impelled to comment.

One of our young members died, leaving behind a small child. I don’t know the details; I don’t really care. I’m not close with her, but she is one of us. As soon as word began to spread in this small community of about 11,000 people, the posts lit up her Facebook wall with a lot of dramatic comments and speculation.

About the fifth post in, her brother’s comment appeared. He said simply, “Hey, if someone knows what happened, can you please call me," followed with his phone number.

Can you imagine learning of your sister’s death via a Facebook post? Come on people; let’s try to be a little more sensitive. The world does not revolve are you and your pain and reaction to someone’s death. Especially when a death involves a child, don’t you think the family should be the first to know?

I’m just heartsick for her family and how they learned of her death. It just isn’t right.

Today I am glad I have the tools to pause before I react. Thank God for God.  

Happy Mother's Day

When I was ripping and running, the last thing I knew I could do was take care of a child, so I made sure I never had children. Today, I am middle-aged and watching my friends delight in and sometimes agonize over their children and their grandchildren. Many of the women I sponsor have kids, and most of my friends have grandchildren. The decisions I made in my using still impact me today, because I'll never experience the joys, and the heartaches, of children or grand kids.

I am grateful, though, that I have been able to work with many young gals in recovery. While it isn't the same as being a mother 24/7, the joy I receive when they experience successes in recovery or when they walk through difficult situations is priceless.

Friday night I attended the community college graduation ceremony of one of my sponsees. She is now headed off to earn her Bachelor's degree at ASU. I am so proud of her and so pleased that I could help her on her path. God put us together because we were a good match, her and I.

Today, I am grateful that I have the opportunity to experience the love of motherhood (for both my pets and my sponsees) because I'm clean. Happy Mother's Day to you braver souls than me.

Out of Straws? That's Outrageous!

I rarely go into Circle Ks or QTs or places of that ilk because I'd prefer not to get shot (risk reduction). However, on the way to my Hospitals & Institutions commitment the other day and against my better judgment, I stopped in a Circle K near the 1-17 (another error in judgment) to buy a pop. I noticed there was a mop bucket full of black water near the register and that my shoes stuck to the floor as I went to get my pop (soda). When I filled up my pop I noticed a sign that said, "Out of straws."

So naturally, at the register I asked the young man if he was holding out and if perhaps he did have a straw. He nearly started crying. He said they ran out awhile earlier and he couldn't get any straws from neighboring Circle Ks (franchise issues, I guessed). He said that people were so irate that they were dumping their sodas on the floor, which he had to clean up.

I said, "Really, like 'I hereby dump my soda on the floor in protest because you are out of straws!'"? Yes, he responded sadly. He said he had given his two-week notice because he just couldn't take it anymore.

It made me grateful that I don't act that way. Not having a straw for a Big Gulp? Not a rage-o-meter offense, in my humble opinion. But what do I know? I know today I am so glad that that my useless, non-specific rage I carried all those years over my victim status is gone. Apparently, though, it's not gone for many. And that, my friends, is exactly why I stay out of convenience stores. That and Milk Duds. But that's another story.

Addiction Comes in Many Forms

I woke up yesterday, as many of you did yesterday, to the news of the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman. As I dug into the story, I learned he had abstained from heroin for over two decades only to succumb to a fatal overdose after a relapse. In the “you’re eligible too” category, this was a reminder to me that I, too, have managed to stay clean for many years but that each day is a do-over. There is no guarantee for me, or for others in recovery, that we stay clean beyond the moment. There is only today.

My brother was an amazing film buff and movie reviewer, so my first instinct upon hearing about Hoffman’s desk was, “I wonder what my brother would think.” I lost him one year ago from esophageal cancer. Both he and I, and several of his doctors, believed his cancer was from a lifetime of acid reflux from his eating disorder.

As I eat my breakfast burrito with Oz silently waiting his share at my side, I know that addictions come in many shapes and forms. I have friends in the rooms going blind from their addiction to tobacco. I have friends, like me, who struggle with their weight.  For some of us, eating was our first comfort from the pain and isolation of our childhoods. As they say in the rooms, we often, “Put down the spoon and pick up the fork.” I have friends in the rooms who are sex addicts and seek help for those addictions. Addictions come in many forms.

I cried intermittently yesterday. Grief, or as I call sometimes call it, “the five-car pileup,” struck me hard. The loss of my brother, a major change on the job front, my struggle with the character defect of intolerance— these challenges made yesterday my own Super Bowl of emotions.

I know the answer. I hit a meeting last night and today I’ll work on eating better. It’s a daily challenge for us, isn’t it?

Happy New Year

As we begin a New Year, I want to take a moment to thank you who follow my blog and wish you a blessed 2014. Big changes again in my life, which means I'll be blogging regularly again. I left my job to renew my efforts to run my own business and open the door to God's will and possibilities.
 

I hope you'll journey with me as 2014 brings big changes and another year of recovery. God bless you and your families.