According to plan ...

It's funny how rigid we can become if we aren't careful. I know when I was struggling to get high every day, I woke up and knew what had to get done from the moment my feet hit the floor. Today, I have a general plan for how I want my day to go, but I don't let things throw me if all does not go according to plan.

I was going to borrow a friend's trailer to move some things to my house up north since I've decided not to rent it again. But this morning when I called her to arrange to make the drive, which is over an hour away, to pick it up, she mentioned that she needed to get things done by a certain time this evening. That sort of set me off, because it would have put too much pressure on me. So I begged off and just made some other arrangement. In my first decade or so in recovery, that would have ruined my day! Today I can work around things. You've heard that old expression: "When a normal person gets a flat tire, they call Triple A. When an addict gets one, they call Suicide Prevention!" Today, that's not my case.

Today is the 4th of July, of course, and usually I write a blog about how grateful I am to be clean and have freedom from active addiction. I'm just feeling very low-key today, which is okay by me. I'm spending weekends in northern Arizona and the addicts in meetings up there are surrounding me with love and care. Last weekend an NA crew drove out to my house to look at some plumbing and well issues. If my heart is open, I've found many people's hearts open to me.

Romy and Oz are going crazy running around the house because I've loaded up the truck and they know--it's road trip time! They love their trips and weekends in the cooler climates. Ms. Romy, who is 12 now, walks a few blocks around the house, but doesn't wander far. Oz just spends the day digging holes or bringing me his ball to throw. They are both so easy to please. The older I get, the more I want to be like my dogs.

I hope that your holiday is safe and that you have the gas to make it to meetings (that's becoming an issue, isn't it?) and many hot dogs to stuff your beautiful faces with. Until I blog again, stay clean, it's the softer, easier way. I know.

Exciting times in my life

I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been so darn busy. Here are all the exciting things going on in a list. I love lists.

• My job that I took this year is really a blessing. I have been able, for the most part, to practice principles before personalities in the workplace and as a result have made a bunch of new friends and am well respected. I know because for the first time in years, my bosses tell me things like, "You are awesome!" and "You are doing a great job" and "You have accomplished a lot." I am very happy with that aspect of my life. Plus, I have fantastic benefits like a week of paid vacation and then some already.
  

• My business is going well. I've gotten new writing assignments at the point that I'm doing just over two columns per week.

• My brother, who is my strategic business partner, is moving to Arizona to live in my old house. I am tired of renting it and all the attendant hassles that comes with owning a rental and we can work closer together and build the business. So that means I'll have two relatives close to me, which is awesome.

• I am flying back east tomorrow to give a keynote address to other professionals in my industry and I'm very excited about that. There will be copious amounts of seafood involved and I get to spend a few days with one of the gals I sponsored in the Midwest who is going through a rough patch.

• On the health side, the news could not be better. I transferred to a new doctor here at the liver transplant center where they originally refused to give me a transplant, which forced me to go back to the Midwest. They are taking me off all my anti-rejection drugs except one because I am doing so well. He indicated I may be able to stop taking them altogether because "eventually the body stops fighting the new organ." He also opined several times in the last visit that he thinks my B virus will not return. And if it did? He has a plan with several other drugs available and more in the pipeline.

• The dogs are great and loving Arizona and being able to get back to where they were puppies on the weekend in Northern Arizona. Oz is sick today, though. I'm not sure what's up with him. He ate part of a ball last night and I'm afraid he may have a bit of a blockage. His ears are flat and he won't eat. So if you read this, say a little prayer for Ozzie. Romy continues to destroy about anything she can get her teeth on. Three separate shoes the other day, my briefcase a few days after that, a purse, the list goes on. She isn't liking me gone all day too much.

Yesterday I hit a morning meeting and sat next to my sponsor's husband, who has been in and out for about a year now relapsing. He took his 30 days yesterday and we joked a lot during the meeting. Several times he remarked, "I'm BACK!" I believe he is. We know when we're done, don't we?

Until I blog again, and I may from the seashore and let my pal blog a bit as well, thanks for checking in on me though I haven't been such a faithful blogger. You are important to my recovery.

ARCNA is going strong this weekend

I just came home from the first night of ARCNA. It is always such a good convention. The last time I went three years ago, I was dying and could barely make it from the car to go sit in a chair in the lobby. I remember the fear in my friend's faces as they looked at me and faced the realization that this might be the last time they saw me. I am so grateful today for my recovery and the second chance at life I've been given.

I saw a bunch of old friends tonight. One of my oldest friends left at the same time I did to head home and got pulled over by the police and given the roadside ballet because the officer thought his cigar smelled like marijuana. I think perhaps she needs a bit more training, what do you say?

I hope you are all well. I stay so busy I rarely blog anymore, but know that I check in on you all from time to time.

Barbara was here for a few days and left me a lovely gift--one of the beautiful beaded necklaces she makes. She is a great woman!

How are you treating the world?

This morning I went to a meeting and someone asked me how the world was treating me. Here's my view on it. It's not so much how the world is treating me, it's how I'm treating the world.

Those are my only words of wisdom today. Keep coming back.

Another great meeting

I was in a meeting the other day and I heard a women, who was taking her tag for three years, say, "Today I'm living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way."

That struck a chord in me. I can remember all the times that I drove home after an entire night out partying or whatever I was doing, watching the "squares" drive to work and thinking, "Jeez, what a bunch of losers!"

Of course, today I realize that I was afraid to fail so I never tried; I just preferred to hide behind my addiction and think, "The world just doesn't know how much potential I have!"

I am grateful today for the rooms where I can return to sanity on an almost daily basis. Last night at my home group the topic was "One day at a time." I know when I got here I could no more envision staying clean for my entire life than I could envision anything positive in my future. I truly thought I was destined to die a junkie. I couldn't grasp the concept of staying clean just for the present.

I am grateful that people loved me when I couldn't figure out how to stay clean one hour at a time, let alone one day at a time. Today, I believe in Grace.

My home group starts up again

Substitute: "Addict"

I am so excited and grateful. My home group, one of the oldest NA meetings in the area, which ended after many years after the club where it was housed burned down, is starting up again tonight after a several-year hiatus. The club has relocated to an area full of homeless people and while it won't be exactly the same, it will be wonderful for those of us who got clean there to reunite.

I am so grateful for what NA has given me. Tonight, I'm going to give something back.

The gift of desperation

This has been a rough week for me; working full time then coming home to work on my business, as well. There is always a price to pay for bad decisions and one of the areas of my life where I am paying a price is in the financial arena. I am once again taking a Third Step in my life. I am still making meetings, despite how much work is piling up around me, because I know how easy it is to get overwhelmed if I miss too many meetings, no matter what the excuse.

This morning I hit my normal Saturday morning meeting. I heard a lot of good things, but the one thing that stuck with me, because I've been feeling blue, is what one member said. He said he was grateful that he was given "the gift of desperation" which brought him into the rooms.

I know that when I got here I was desperate and I was not sure NA would work for me. I felt like I was just too addicted. But the longer I went to meetings, the more I heard people just like me share their stories and I began to get some hope. I didn't stay clean immediately, but eventually, I did stay clean.

Today I was lacking gratitude until I realized how grateful I was that I, too, was given the gift of desperation.

NA has worked for me.

Did you see the full moon?

I have been crazier than an outhouse rat today and couldn't figure out exactly why. I wanted to stay home tonight and watch the 20/20 special on prostitution, but felt like I needed a meeting more than I needed any further enlightenment on that particular issue. As I drove into the parking lot of the meeting, I looked up over Camelback Mountain and saw a gigantic moon hanging in the sky. Is that why I'm so crazy?

I had a hard day at work today. I let someone else's temper get the best of me and dampen my day. Note I don't say "ruin" because I didn't go that far. But I had a little set to at work that wasn't about me, it was about him, yet I tiptoed around for awhile with hurt feelings.

I called my sponsor and we talked about the situation, how I handled it (I did pretty well because I didn't tell him to take a Midol and call me in the morning) and if I need to do anything about it on Monday. "For what?" my sponsor asked. "You didn't do anything; he treats other people this way, too."

What I try to do when I get angry and upset is to look at the fear behind emotion. I realized after I'd talked to her for a few minutes that the fear is, "I won't be able to work" because I'm incapable of getting along with people. That's pretty irrational, because in the few months I've been at my new job, I've been able to work through other issues.

For me, most of my character defects arise out of some type of fear. "I'll be broke," or "I'll get fired," or "I'm afraid she doesn't like me." As soon as I realize that it is fear and not a fact, I am free.

Until tomorrow, have a great full moon evening.

Don't abandon your post!

As a lot of feelings sweep through my family this week, and I remember that we all deal with grief in our own peculiar way, which may not be the way another family does. I am glad I have safe harbor in the Fellowship.

"Lose the drama," my sponsor routinely tells me when the pitch of my voice starts rising dangerously. It always offends me, but it's true: No one can help me when I'm too emotional.

I went to my normal morning meeting and was late because I had to wait for the handyman to arrive to fix many broken items. The landlady is nice but doesn't take much pride in ownership so the house is a train wreck. She hired painters to come in, probably a low bid, and they painted absolutely everything without removing light fixtures, switches, cutting in trim; the place looks terrible and light fixtures are shorting out.

I have been resentful each month as I send off my rent thinking, "She obviously doesn't know who I am." Then I started thinking. When I was out there, I painted over everything in my life. As long as I looked good, I was okay, despite what people said about my lifestyle. I arrived in the rooms driving a pretty nice car, had my nails done frequently, but was an absolute shell of a human being. The exterior looked okay, but if you looked at my unpaid bills, my pending criminal charge, my employment history, they told the true tale. I painted over all the disaster in my life as part of my denial system.

I heard someone say in the meeting this morning, "I never abandoned my post." That is why he is still clean. It's just that simple. I have, for 23 years, had a new post. It's the Fellowship.

Until I blog again, may you find peace and comfort in your daily lives.

When times are tough...

Last night, my cousin was beaten to death in front of his house. We don't have any more details; the family is waiting for word from the police. It's a tragic waste of a life. This week, one of my coworkers was confronted by a gunshot wielding teen who tried to rob her. She told him to leave and he took off. She's lucky. We could have been attending her funeral. Perhaps it just illustrates which you'd rather deal with: A shotgun or a menopausal woman.

Today has been a very stressful day, from dealing with family members who each handle grief in their own fashion, to dealing with a real estate transaction that goes from bad to worse. But I know what to do. I'll go to a meeting tonight or get on the phone with someone and vent. I'll spend some time in prayer, because for some reason, I feel very far away from God and a bit stuck in fear.

Today I fully understand how precious life is. Hope your day goes better than mine.

No news

Tomorrow I'm driving up to my house near Prescott. The weather will be beautiful. Monday I'm driving down to Tucson for the day. We had a lot of rain this winter (for Arizona, of course), and the wildflowers are in bloom. I'm looking forward to the drive.

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Determination

The other day I grabbed a sandwich at a Jack-in-the-Box where I, many years ago, used to frequently wait for my connection. I was there one day with another dope fiend and we sat in my car for about half an hour waiting for "the man" to show up. A constant parade of cars arrived, all waiting for the same person. It was just one of hundreds of South Phoenix rituals--waiting for the dope man.

The person with me saw someone drive in that he knew so he got out of my car, a grey 1972 LeMans that was a neat car and which the cops later confiscated, and walked over to his friend and leaned in the window to talk with him. A few minutes later, he walked back to the car and got in, laughing hard. "You have got to see this," he said.

"What?" I wanted to know. I wasn't in the mood to socialize; I was probably dope sick.

"Go look at his car," he insisted, laughing so hard he was practically out of control.

I got out of the car and followed him back over to his friend's car. It was a man he had been in the penitentiary with, I can't recall his name now, and this guy's friend. He introduced me to him and I couldn't help but notice the car they were sitting in.

The interior was completely burned out, including the seats, the headliner, the dashboard, even the steering wheel had melted. To steer, he had wrapped baling wire around the stump of the steering column and they were both sitting on milk crates.

It turns out that the Mexican mafia had firebombed this guy's car for some reason, a snitch jacket or a bad debt, who knows the truth. But this guy and his pal were determined to score, so determined that they drove that shell of a car rigged together with milk crates and baling wire so they could get their drugs. Now that, dear friends, is determination.

So as I was sitting there at that Jack-in-the-Box remembering, I realized that to stay clean, you have to have that same amount of determination. Don't have a car? Take the bus; you would have to score, so do so to hit a meeting. Someone firebombs your car? Just use duct tape or baling wire or whatever, but don't sit home and feel sorry for yourself. Some jerk insults you and gives you a gigantic resentment? Don't smack him, just keep coming back and show him what you're made of.

It isn't easy to stay clean. Last night the people in the meeting I was at focused on "acting out" in other ways, or taking the First Step in other areas of our lives besides not using drugs. But the truth is, as complicated as we make it, our behavior if it stays out of control will lead us right back to drugs. If we continue to act out on other behaviors that make our lives unmanageable, sooner or later, most of us get loaded. I know, I've watched it happen to many of my fellow addicts who seemed so busy cleaning up the wreckage of the present that they forgot the determination it takes to stay clean for the long haul.

So until we meet again, remember. It's free but it isn't always easy.

Slightly pissed off

This reminds me of me when I got into the rooms. I was pretty much mad at the whole world. "If the cops would leave me alone," I'd think, "I'd be just fine. After all, I'm not hurting anyone but myself."

What I completely failed to take into consideration is that everything I did that was negative, and almost everything I did was negative, had ripple effects on everyone around me. I hurt my parents, my brothers, and I even drove away my friends who I used with. The whole world revolved around me and my addiction.

When I came into NA, for the first time in years, people looked me in the eyes and talked to me like I mattered. I remember so distinctly being arrested and treated like some scumbag by the cops because I was an addict and feeling like, "Hey, you don't even know me." I judged myself by my intentions while the world judged me by my actions. And my actions were pretty atrocious.

I just celebrated my 23rd birthday in the rooms a few months ago, and the life I led is much like a bad dream as I recall it today. But I know, as I watch newcomers trickle in, that I am only one mistake away from the life I led for so long.

I'm grateful today that I was given the gift of recovery. I watch some people spin in and out of the rooms, many for years, for decades, even, and I know, I am eligible, too, to relapse. So my best prevention is to keep hitting meetings and be of ultimate service when asked.

It's not all serious, though. The best thing I did for my recovery today was have a few laughs with another addict. God speaks to me through laughter today. I know when I got here, there certainly wasn't anything funny about my life. Today, humor keeps me going no matter how tough things may seem.

So until we meet again, have a few laughs on me.

Happy birthday

Today is my natal birthday and I've had another great day. On Sunday, my brother threw me a birthday party with a bunch of my family's close friends and we had a great time. Only one brother couldn't come; the youngest brother came down from Seattle and stayed with me for a few days. Several of my friends called, e-mailed, and sent cards.

Today at work I was taken to lunch. It's nice, today, to feel special. I don't feel any older, but I know each day that ticks by I'm getting a little more "long in the tooth." Hopefully I'm getting a little smarter, too.

I am grateful to be alive and above ground, so until I blog again, have a great day.

Another great meeting

I went to a meeting today and my first sponsor was there. She said something I've never heard. She said, "You have to strive to thrive." I think that's so true of recovery. There are a ton of people who are willing to work with us if we want to stay clean, but we have to work for it.

Today I am grateful I still have the willingness to work to stay clean.

Catnap

This is my friend's grandson and his guardian cat. The cat guards him constantly.

Organizing

Thank heavens for friends. Just when I was becoming almost totally overwhelmed by the boxes and mess around my house from this move from hell, two of my girlfriends came over to help. Yesterday my friend worked me like a loaned-out mule and we got every room organized. That's right, I am officially no longer tripping over boxes, I found the space to mop the floor, and we organized all the pictures to be hung today. Today, another friend came over and we hung pictures. Tonight, I am exhausted.

But I still made time for a meeting. Tonight's speaker was celebrating her 13th birthday and had a simple but moving story. Her bottom was my top, but that just goes to show that it isn't the amount of substances we used, but the feelings those substances caused in us that makes us candidates for recovery.

I'm heading off to bed. Tomorrow is Martin Luther King day, and for me, I say, "Thank God almighty. Because of NA, I am truly free at last."

Another Saturday night

I went to a meeting this morning and I've been hitting a few meetings since I've been here. I enjoy them, but I have to say that I miss my small Missouri meetings. Most of the meetings here are huge. I hear from my old home group members (one of them is in the hospital after a bad car wreck) and my other Missouri friends, but tonight it hit me--I am in the big city and I'm feeling very alone.

I know it's all going to work out, but today has been kind of rough. Tomorrow, I'm sure, will be better. I forgot to say, I got my grades from last semester, A, A, A-plus. Yippee. It's amazing what you can do when you're clean.

What "wall"?

It's so neat to be back home. I keep running into people at meetings who were around when I got clean or came long enough ago that I know them from my various times living here in the past. Last night after a good speaker meeting several of us went out to eat. Our group chose Italian and went to this great restaurant where the calzones are so big they look like some sea creature washed ashore.

I saw an old friend who came in the rooms about the same time as me and has had several periods of lengthy clean time. I asked her how she was doing and she responded, "Not well." She'd relapsed again. Over dinner, we discussed what happened this time. "You know," she said, "I got two-and-a-half years clean this time and I just 'hit that wall.'"

No, I guess I don't know. I've hit a lot of walls in recovery. However, at none of these walls did I choose to pick up a drink or a drug: I chose to go over the wall to meetings and, sometimes, make a complete ass of myself by blathering on about how screwed up my life was. I chose to call my sponsor and work a Step. I chose, instead of using, to stay in bed all day with the covers pulled over my head (that works for awhile). I chose to work with a newcomer when my ass was falling off. I chose talk to others to help me stop feeling terminally unique and to get in the middle of the pack. In short, I chose recovery.

In early clean time, I wasted a lot of time speculating. "What if my dad died, could I stay clean then?" He did and I did. "What if my engagement was broken off in a most humiliating way?" It was, and I did. "What if my Mom died? Surely that would be the ultimate excuse to use." She did and I stayed clean. "What if I lost my dog?" Dallas dog died. I wept, I wailed, but I did not use. "What if I got very ill and faced death?" I did, and I stayed clean. "What if I got fired?" I was, and I didn't have to use. In fact, I started my own business just the spite the dumb shits.

This doesn't make me better than anyone else; perhaps it only makes me more stubborn. However, I haven't had to pick up for many years and I can't even think what would cause me to use. Staying clean is a daily, sometimes more frequent, decision, plain and simple.

This particular gal's job for many years has been in the health care field, which puts her in touch with narcotics. On the one hand, she makes a lot of money. Her house is paid off, she proudly showed me her new car in the parking lot after the meeting, she runs her own business; from all outward signs, she is doing well. But I remember the type addict she was, a street hustler, and I remember her dragging back into meetings weighing 100 pounds and looking like death. Maybe she needs to remember that, too. Perhaps a career change is in order? Personally, I'd rather be alive and a whole lot broker and clean than driving a new convertible.

I'm preaching to the choir, I'm sure, but this is a simple, not easy, Program that tells us simply this: We don't use if our butt falls off. Mine has been severely dragging many times in my recovery, but by the Grace of a Higher Power and the tools of the Program, I haven't had to use in a long, long while.

Stick around for the miracle, won't you?

Another meeting

Barbara and I went to a women's meeting tonight that started in my living room about 22 or 23 years ago. The meeting was originally entitled "Eve Goes Straight," but someone along the line someone got some spiritual principles and renamed it after I'd moved away. I always loved the original name, though. It's proof that sometimes poor motives yield good results (although rarely).

The meeting had moved to a women's halfway house and it was crammed with women, mainly newcomers. We enjoyed the meeting then went and had Japanese food. It's great to be back in a city big enough to have all sorts of ethnic foods at all hours of the night.

My first day at work went well. In tonight's tenth step, I won't have much to say "I'll do better tomorrow" about. That is always a blessing and growth for me, one day at a time.

Until later, take it easy but take it, because people are giving it away in meetings all over the world. And it's free.

Happy New Year!

As I sit at my computer and change my manual calendar over to a new year, I am grateful. There are probably tens of emotions swirling right now due to all the recent change in my life, but gratitude tops the list. I glanced at my Yahoo home page this morning and saw prominent clicks for hangover cures. Today, and hopefully one day at a time, I have no need of a cure.

Barbara from northern Arizona is here visiting and we went to the NA New Year's Eve function. She is still sleeping now; she sleeps a lot these days. I remember how badly I felt in those months running up to my transplant, which happened quickly, and I can really feel her pain. Remember her in your prayers, because as the speaker last night said, there are no powers greater than the love our Fellowship has for each other and prayer.

Tomorrow I start a new job and for that, I'm grateful. It will be fun and challenging to have coworkers again. I said in a meeting a few weeks ago that it's easy to sit in meetings and talk spirituality when you don't have to deal with going to work each day. In my recovery, that has been the greatest challenge I've faced, practicing these principles in all my working affairs. Oh yes, relationships, too.

2dogs are enjoying the Arizona sun and their huge back yard. I was able to find a place via Craig's List 1500 miles away that is perfect for me. The house I was going to rent fell through and my attitude was, as it should always be, "God has something better for me." He did. This is a good neighborhood, I'm 13 miles from work and right near the two major freeways I use. It's all good.

I'm missing my Missouri friends, but we call each other frequently and I know I will return to visit. I couldn't have said that a few years ago, but the past 18 months I spent there I met so many wonderful people that I know I'll go back. And who doesn't want to visit Arizona?

Well, enough about my puny life. Remind me to tell you the two near tragedies I avoided on the trip here and yesterday. Two close encounters that reminded me: My angels work overtime!

Happy New Year. Take 2008 one day or one minute at a time, and you can stay clean!

The 1st Step

You can do it! Try again!

Most addicts agree--the first step is the most important one we do, because without it, we are destined to reinvestigate our powerlessness. I'm back in Arizona and very grateful to be here, but missing my friends in Missouri.

I have grave misgivings about keeping my blog since some anonymous twit is using it to try to hurt people I care for. So I'm not sure how much longer I'll be blogging, but in the meantime, I am doing well and am glad to hear from those of you who have long supported my blog.

Until I blog again, take that first step seriously. It's a big one!

Happy birthday to me

I once again have power and am trying to cram for a final that was postponed from Monday night. The ice is melting, I am trying to pack and also trying to celebrate my 23rd clean date. It's all good and I am so grateful for staying clean all these years when so many, who may work better programs than me, do not.

Until I blog again, take it one day at a time.

Waiting for the ice storm

In a few hours, the year's first ice storm will be here in Missouri. It doesn't sound like it will be too bad, but a day or so in the house won't kill me. I've almost finished my finals, 3 research papers and am so glad to be through with the semester. Of course, moving means I'll probably have to transfer to another school, but right now I'm not worrying about that. It will all fall into place.

There's a process I go through when I'm moving from one place to another and perhaps the ice storm comes at a good time. Wherever I've lived in my life and especially in recovery, I've made many friends. But it's always hard to leave one place for another, even if, as in this case, I'm truly going home. As I listen to my friends and in this case my significant other (at least he's significant to me) talk about my leaving, I find I have to allow them to have their feelings and honor their sadness but suppress my own. There is simply no way right now I can process it.

It's not that I don't feel sad to be leaving, but I also feel like it's time, so that makes it easier. The hours I spent packing and sorting and donating give me ample time to process my feelings. This is what I have to do for my own serenity, this taking a job thing. And that means going to Arizona.

As we look back on how we've handled things, we can always, as my dad used to say, play "Monday morning quarterback." In retrospect, there were things I should have seen that I perhaps did glimpse but thought, "Oh, it will be different than that," or "We can work through that." Relationships are hard, there's no other way to say it. I wish I had done some things better, that's for sure.

I have a few hours before the ice storm starts, so I'd better head out to the store to buy food. Lately I haven't been cooking. Until I blog again, may your heart be light and your recovery easy.

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Arizona here I come

With some mixed feelings, of course, I am heading back to Arizona. I was offered a job that will allow me to keep doing some of my other work and with great benefits. I'm just tired of the struggle of health insurance hassles and this just fell into my lap, practically. So, about the 20th I'm heading out.

I haven't had time to blog with finals and packing, but hopefully once I get there, I'll have more to talk about. I'm looking forward to see Ms. Barbara and all my old NA friends, who are excited about my return, or so they say.

Two dogs are getting anxious. They seem to know something's up. Maybe it's all the moving boxes? Until later, take care. It's all good.

Romy eats the hammock

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but Romy seemed to delight in eating the corner of the hammock, so she had to lie on a quilt. Luckily, she survived. She is a canine disaster, but what can you do?

I had a great time in Phoenix, a job offer and a few decisions to make. More later.

Haven't blogged in awhile

I guess life happens, because I've noticed I'm not the only blogger not blogging. I'm heading to Phoenix tomorrow for five days. God has put a career option in my path and I'm exploring it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do; I'll know if and when an offer is made. Do the next right thing; that's my motto.

One of my sponslings with just over 90 days clean had a terrible loss--her father was hit by a car, brain damaged and removed from life support. She not only stayed clean through this terrible event, she grew closer to her mother, experienced tremendous gratitude over the fact that she was clean before he died, and in short, has just blossomed. God is great, isn't he? The Fellowship of NA was there right beside her the entire time with cards, phone calls, at the funeral, walking her through it. It surely made my love of the Fellowship grow even more, if that's possible.

The woman I have blogged about several times with whom I had a great deal of conflict but who helped me tremendously when I was ill died of bone cancer Friday. She had a short but such brave path to death, it was truly inspiring. One of the women she sponsored was having a meltdown over her death with her and she stopped her in her tracks by saying, "I'm spiritually fit." That's the real acid test, isn't it?

We had several great talks together before she died, so I am at peace with it. Early in recovery my friend Jeff T. said his rule of thumb in relationships is that if it's standing between me and the other person, then I have to talk with them about it. I've learned that if I want to try to preserve a friendship, that's the only way to go, as uncomfortable as it may be. I'm just glad I was at peace with our friendship when she passed.

I'm heading out to one of my recovery sister's 50th birthday party. Then it's off to drop two dogs at the boarding place. I hate that. I bought Romy a bone shaped Coleman hammock. She thinks she's going camping. Woo HOO!

Until I blog again, take care and stay clean. It's easier that way.

In Chicago

I'm here for a conference, but I've hit several NA meetings and it's been fun. This is such a great city to get around in, trains, buses, taxis.

The meetings here are pretty big, but also friendly. I've enjoyed myself, but I'm heading home tonight and I'll be glad to get there.

Dinner tonight?

A good friend of mine (I used to sponsor her) had a baby last week, as I mentioned on my blog. I was watching a show half heartedly yesterday as I worked, which was on post-partum depression. I didn't realize how severe this can be.

Many of us, from years of fiddling around with our brains, have damaged our mood patterns, at least that is my opinion. So it wouldn't surprise me that with all the hormones of pregnancy then childbirth and its stressors (she's breastfeeding so she's up every two hours), that my friend would be a bit freaked out. Another thing, her mother lives in another country and she isn't in touch with her, so she doesn't really have a nuclear family to help.

So my friend Lisa and I are taking over dinner for the family tonight. It's an easy dinner: chili, my world famous (the dogs think so, anyway) zucchini bread , and a salad. My friend Lisa is making cornbread so we'll have fun seeing the baby, eating, and having a few laughs.

I am also making time to call her every few days just to check on her: not so much to be a bother, but enough to let her know we care.

Until I blog again, I just wanted to share how good it feels today to think of someone beside me! I may not be much, but I'm all I usually think about!