NA World Convention, Day 2

It is 12:36 a.m. San Antonio time and I want a candy bar. There is not one vending machine in this hotel. My personal opinion is that WSO should not patronize hotels without vending machines. What is a self-respecting addict to do who needs an M&M fix at almost 1 a.m. and can't get one without getting dressed and walking three long dark blocks to do? This is just not right.

Tonight I hit the marathon meetings, which were, well, dramatic to say the least. Although our Fellowship is at last count (2006) 45 percent female, it's mainly the men that talk in many meetings. I usually get my two cents worth in to tell women they can't save their a-- and their face at the same time, and that it's their meeting too, but we had a bunch of preachers at the meetings who thought they were attending On and On Anon instead of NA and well, that's how the marathon meetings are going at this point. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

However, I digress. I went to a few workshops today; one on public information and carrying the message to the medical community, which was great. There is a new small folder available we can use in PI for the professional community, parole officers, doctors, etc., that allows us to spread the real message of NA. You know, not the "There's no clean time there," and we're all "low bottom. Did you know that only 3 percent of addicts in the US are on the street drug users (a statistic one doctor-addict gave today), the rest get dressed and go to work each day. Maybe that's where we need to carry the message?

The membership survey that the Fellowship put out and is part of this packet shows another statistic: 40 percent of NA members who responded to the survey attend other Fellowships. That that, NA "purists," with your t-shirts and hats and bad attitudes.

Meg is ready to go to sleep, so this rant must end soon. I am having fun, seeing some old friends and making a new one or two. Tomorrow, if I remember, I'll tell you about the other workshop I went to: "Who's left out of our meetings." Here's the tease: It broke down to age and culture. Until tomorrow, don't get loaded. There is a whole life out there to look forward to, I promise.

Another airport

A nice pic of the mighty Colorado river.

Waiting in the Las Vegas airport for my flight to San Antonio and the NA World Convention. Meg is meeting me at the airport. We are going to have a blast, no doubt about it.


I spent the past two days with my family, a cousin, nieces and nephew, and two of my three brothers. We really had fun. Las Vegas is not my cup of tea; however, it was worth it to spend time with my great family.



More from World!

Just in case you don't have enough addictions ...

A new study finds that, yikes, over half of those who tan are "addicted" to tanning. Without sun exposure, they experience withdrawals symptoms. Geez, what will they think of next? I can see thousands of tanners coming together to form Tanners Anonymous, or "TA."

I wonder if these scientists actually funding to do this research? Some nerds clearly have too much time on their hands.

Well, I'd give you the morning women's meeting update, but not much happened. However, one of my sponslings who has become a dear friend celebrated her 7th birthday today. That was really heartwarming. She's one of those positive people that always sees your glass as half full, even when you think it's half empty and has a leak in it. Don't you just hate that? When all you want to do is say "Waah" and have the whole world pat you on your back and commiserate, and some bright thing says "Yes, but ...."

Until tomorrow, have a great day. And, stay out of the sun! Who needs another 12 Step meeting to fit into our schedules?

Worth a look

Check out this man's art, if you haven't already.

Love is the killer app

Check out this cutey. I wonder if he'll turn out to be a snarly chihuahua or a nice one? How do you vote? I've been meditating on staying in my heart and then, wham, someone sends me this e-mail. Think it's a coincidence?

A few nights ago I went to the prison here and spoke with a group of convicts, many of whom were doing life, who are running a meeting twice a week. Only one or two people in the Program support the meeting; for the most part, they are on their own, which to me is pretty sad and doesn't speak well for the Fellowship here, but I digress.

Despite some of them facing many more years behind bars, they seemed to have a lot of serenity. One of the things they're doing is learning, with the help of their meeting sponsor, to garden. They've gradually acquired about a football field size plot to grow vegetables, strawberries, and other crops.


The inmates don't consume the bulk of the food--they give it away to needy community members. They spoke with pride about feeding 23 families last year with their produce. I don't think they learned that in prison, I think they learned that through their work in the Fellowship.

When I first got into recovery, I was one tough cookie. It wasn't until I had about three years clean that I decided I'd better work on becoming more loving. I started to try to find ways to break down the walls around my heart. I did some body work, but I think the most effective thing I did was to visualize my heart as bricked in by bricks with crumbling mortar. I actually visualized the walls crumbling, the bricks falling out.

I don't think it helped immediately to a great degree, but I think over the years, my heart has become much more open. Today, I see that open heart as a blessing. There was a great article in Fast Company magazine about five years ago called "Love is the Killer App." I have always remembered this saying and I believe it's true.

For those of you worrying about Meg, I received an e-mail from her this morning. She has a newcomer on her couch and a spring in her step, because one week from today, we'll be meeting in San Antonio for NA World. I can't wait.

Until I see you again, remember, love is the killer app!

I'm still alive

I've been off my blog lately; just don't have the time or the ambition at this point. I had a great talk with Barbara today; she's doing well and reminds me that, even in adverse conditions, we can walk forward with faith.

I'm trying to finalize a few projects and get out of Dodge; heading for Las Vegas to see my niece turn 21. My brothers, two nieces, my cousin and I will all have a fine time, I'm sure. I'd rather choke on a bone than go to Vegas, but to see my family, well, it's worth it.

With the death of my parents, I felt like the last people who "got me" are gone. But then, I have my brothers, and I'm so grateful that at least they still "get" me. Last night my significant other reminded me, once again, of how selfish he perceives me. What can I say? He's probably right. I do have a pattern of picking people who find me lacking. This is about me, not them, so I'm determined to release others to their Higher good, and live my life authentically. I can only be who I am, no one else.

I'm looking forward, after Vegas, of meeting Meg in Houston, and a few other bloggers, I've heard, are going. That will be great. It's the gift of the Fellowship that's allowed me to plan to go to World a year ago and be able to follow through on that plan.

Life is short, so I've decided to be happy. I hope you are, too.

She's flipped her wig!

There was a women on Today this morning who designs wigs for dogs. She even has a Trump comb over. So, if your dog is getting a little thin on top, you know there's help available.

Today was not a good day

Number one, I forgot my brother's birthday, although I've had a card laid out for him for a month. Then, and this if funny, I decided to listen to "The Secret," which I got on Amazon on CD. I put it in and sat down to listen. My mind was drifting all over the place when suddenly, as I was listening to this tape about the power of positive thinking, I thought, "What if it's scratched and I have to send it back to Amazon? I don't know where the receipt is." A few minutes later, sure enough, it started skipping. I'm not sure that was a coincidence, since the gist of the tape is that anything you can imagine good or bad will come to you attached to a big vat of glue and paste itself into your life. Or something like that.

Anyway, I've been alternately angry and sad today. I heard someone ask another member the other day when they were explaining how pissed off they were about something, "So what would you be mad about if that hadn't happened?" That struck a bullseye with me.

I've been working really hard at changing my negative thought patterns, reading Catherine Ponder and a few other teachers. It's a full time job for me, taming this mind which runs like a hamster on a wheel.

I shared at a meeting tonight about how I felt today; that things in my life were so messed up it would be better if I just gave up and used. Their eyes went really wide, but that's the insanity of our addiction and if we don't write or talk about, well, you all know, we're only as sick as our secrets.

I have few words of wisdom because I am such a fundamentally flawed human being. I realize that this blog is a big joke as I feel my life is, sometimes. But it's a cosmic joke and I have no choice but to keep slogging. Besides, I want to find out what happens at the end.

Until soon, take care and be sure and share at meetings all your insane thoughts so that newcomers' eyes will bug out like meerkats. We need to give them our experience, strength and hope.

PS Meg: Romy is allowed near the refrigerator only if I'm in attendance. Two more weeks!

My path in life

Come in through the night
It is the only way around.

Okay, kids, it seems I'm going to have to explain my poem, which means the poem doesn't work. It isn't ominous, it's just an affirmation that we often walk through darkness to reach the light, the peace, the serenity. There is no other way to find it. We have to walk through fire, through feelings, through whatever our Higher Power puts in our paths, to find the grace.

I have had many dark nights, years of dark nights, in fact, but today, due to God's grace and the Fellowship, I have seen the light and it is good.

Pillow fight

It's so hot here the dogs have resorted to playing in the house. This pillow made a great item to fight over. Luckily, no one was hurt in the filming of this episode, including me.

Avoiding opinions

Last night my home group turned into a very uncomfortable meeting. When the chair asked for topics, one of our newcomers, who incidentally has been in and out for years and now has about three or four months, wanted to talk about how he thought it was best for people only to go to NA and not introduce themselves as "clean and sober." Of course, as we started going around the table, the meeting degenerated into an "opinion" meeting.

There were two newcomers there and I should have, when it came my turn to share, nipped the debate in the bud. I know better. Our Fellowship's meetings are not to share opinions, but to share our experience, strength and hope to describe how we managed to stay clean. Or, if we do have a strong opinion, to clarify it's just that, a personal opinion.

By the time I left the meeting, I felt pretty sick. The meeting was one opinion after another and most of the members had been there under a year so have very little perspective on what it really takes to trudge along year after year, through life on life's terms, and stay clean.

I believe meeting time should be used to share how we got clean, not our opinion about how meetings should be run or to promote our personal agenda. I celebrate and respect our Traditions, but it is absolutely none of my business where other people go, how they work their Steps, if their sponsor is in another Fellowship, or how they introduce themselves. I can chat with them after the meeting if I want to give input, but other than that, I need to work my own program, not everyone else's program.

After the meeting, I talked to my home group members to discuss my concerns. If I'm in another meeting where this happens, it's my responsibility as a member with time in the Fellowship who has watched many, many Program die-hards relapse with their tight-ass beliefs, to remind people that opinions are just that--opinions. And everyone has one.

Dallas is styling in her Doggles

This is my beautiful Belgian malinois, Dallas, who was my best friend for many years until she passed away. She was an old soul, the wisest dog I have ever known. I miss her every day.