Determination

The other day I grabbed a sandwich at a Jack-in-the-Box where I, many years ago, used to frequently wait for my connection. I was there one day with another dope fiend and we sat in my car for about half an hour waiting for "the man" to show up. A constant parade of cars arrived, all waiting for the same person. It was just one of hundreds of South Phoenix rituals--waiting for the dope man.

The person with me saw someone drive in that he knew so he got out of my car, a grey 1972 LeMans that was a neat car and which the cops later confiscated, and walked over to his friend and leaned in the window to talk with him. A few minutes later, he walked back to the car and got in, laughing hard. "You have got to see this," he said.

"What?" I wanted to know. I wasn't in the mood to socialize; I was probably dope sick.

"Go look at his car," he insisted, laughing so hard he was practically out of control.

I got out of the car and followed him back over to his friend's car. It was a man he had been in the penitentiary with, I can't recall his name now, and this guy's friend. He introduced me to him and I couldn't help but notice the car they were sitting in.

The interior was completely burned out, including the seats, the headliner, the dashboard, even the steering wheel had melted. To steer, he had wrapped baling wire around the stump of the steering column and they were both sitting on milk crates.

It turns out that the Mexican mafia had firebombed this guy's car for some reason, a snitch jacket or a bad debt, who knows the truth. But this guy and his pal were determined to score, so determined that they drove that shell of a car rigged together with milk crates and baling wire so they could get their drugs. Now that, dear friends, is determination.

So as I was sitting there at that Jack-in-the-Box remembering, I realized that to stay clean, you have to have that same amount of determination. Don't have a car? Take the bus; you would have to score, so do so to hit a meeting. Someone firebombs your car? Just use duct tape or baling wire or whatever, but don't sit home and feel sorry for yourself. Some jerk insults you and gives you a gigantic resentment? Don't smack him, just keep coming back and show him what you're made of.

It isn't easy to stay clean. Last night the people in the meeting I was at focused on "acting out" in other ways, or taking the First Step in other areas of our lives besides not using drugs. But the truth is, as complicated as we make it, our behavior if it stays out of control will lead us right back to drugs. If we continue to act out on other behaviors that make our lives unmanageable, sooner or later, most of us get loaded. I know, I've watched it happen to many of my fellow addicts who seemed so busy cleaning up the wreckage of the present that they forgot the determination it takes to stay clean for the long haul.

So until we meet again, remember. It's free but it isn't always easy.

Slightly pissed off

This reminds me of me when I got into the rooms. I was pretty much mad at the whole world. "If the cops would leave me alone," I'd think, "I'd be just fine. After all, I'm not hurting anyone but myself."

What I completely failed to take into consideration is that everything I did that was negative, and almost everything I did was negative, had ripple effects on everyone around me. I hurt my parents, my brothers, and I even drove away my friends who I used with. The whole world revolved around me and my addiction.

When I came into NA, for the first time in years, people looked me in the eyes and talked to me like I mattered. I remember so distinctly being arrested and treated like some scumbag by the cops because I was an addict and feeling like, "Hey, you don't even know me." I judged myself by my intentions while the world judged me by my actions. And my actions were pretty atrocious.

I just celebrated my 23rd birthday in the rooms a few months ago, and the life I led is much like a bad dream as I recall it today. But I know, as I watch newcomers trickle in, that I am only one mistake away from the life I led for so long.

I'm grateful today that I was given the gift of recovery. I watch some people spin in and out of the rooms, many for years, for decades, even, and I know, I am eligible, too, to relapse. So my best prevention is to keep hitting meetings and be of ultimate service when asked.

It's not all serious, though. The best thing I did for my recovery today was have a few laughs with another addict. God speaks to me through laughter today. I know when I got here, there certainly wasn't anything funny about my life. Today, humor keeps me going no matter how tough things may seem.

So until we meet again, have a few laughs on me.

Happy birthday

Today is my natal birthday and I've had another great day. On Sunday, my brother threw me a birthday party with a bunch of my family's close friends and we had a great time. Only one brother couldn't come; the youngest brother came down from Seattle and stayed with me for a few days. Several of my friends called, e-mailed, and sent cards.

Today at work I was taken to lunch. It's nice, today, to feel special. I don't feel any older, but I know each day that ticks by I'm getting a little more "long in the tooth." Hopefully I'm getting a little smarter, too.

I am grateful to be alive and above ground, so until I blog again, have a great day.

Another great meeting

I went to a meeting today and my first sponsor was there. She said something I've never heard. She said, "You have to strive to thrive." I think that's so true of recovery. There are a ton of people who are willing to work with us if we want to stay clean, but we have to work for it.

Today I am grateful I still have the willingness to work to stay clean.

Catnap

This is my friend's grandson and his guardian cat. The cat guards him constantly.