The gift of desperation

This has been a rough week for me; working full time then coming home to work on my business, as well. There is always a price to pay for bad decisions and one of the areas of my life where I am paying a price is in the financial arena. I am once again taking a Third Step in my life. I am still making meetings, despite how much work is piling up around me, because I know how easy it is to get overwhelmed if I miss too many meetings, no matter what the excuse.

This morning I hit my normal Saturday morning meeting. I heard a lot of good things, but the one thing that stuck with me, because I've been feeling blue, is what one member said. He said he was grateful that he was given "the gift of desperation" which brought him into the rooms.

I know that when I got here I was desperate and I was not sure NA would work for me. I felt like I was just too addicted. But the longer I went to meetings, the more I heard people just like me share their stories and I began to get some hope. I didn't stay clean immediately, but eventually, I did stay clean.

Today I was lacking gratitude until I realized how grateful I was that I, too, was given the gift of desperation.

NA has worked for me.

Did you see the full moon?

I have been crazier than an outhouse rat today and couldn't figure out exactly why. I wanted to stay home tonight and watch the 20/20 special on prostitution, but felt like I needed a meeting more than I needed any further enlightenment on that particular issue. As I drove into the parking lot of the meeting, I looked up over Camelback Mountain and saw a gigantic moon hanging in the sky. Is that why I'm so crazy?

I had a hard day at work today. I let someone else's temper get the best of me and dampen my day. Note I don't say "ruin" because I didn't go that far. But I had a little set to at work that wasn't about me, it was about him, yet I tiptoed around for awhile with hurt feelings.

I called my sponsor and we talked about the situation, how I handled it (I did pretty well because I didn't tell him to take a Midol and call me in the morning) and if I need to do anything about it on Monday. "For what?" my sponsor asked. "You didn't do anything; he treats other people this way, too."

What I try to do when I get angry and upset is to look at the fear behind emotion. I realized after I'd talked to her for a few minutes that the fear is, "I won't be able to work" because I'm incapable of getting along with people. That's pretty irrational, because in the few months I've been at my new job, I've been able to work through other issues.

For me, most of my character defects arise out of some type of fear. "I'll be broke," or "I'll get fired," or "I'm afraid she doesn't like me." As soon as I realize that it is fear and not a fact, I am free.

Until tomorrow, have a great full moon evening.

Don't abandon your post!

As a lot of feelings sweep through my family this week, and I remember that we all deal with grief in our own peculiar way, which may not be the way another family does. I am glad I have safe harbor in the Fellowship.

"Lose the drama," my sponsor routinely tells me when the pitch of my voice starts rising dangerously. It always offends me, but it's true: No one can help me when I'm too emotional.

I went to my normal morning meeting and was late because I had to wait for the handyman to arrive to fix many broken items. The landlady is nice but doesn't take much pride in ownership so the house is a train wreck. She hired painters to come in, probably a low bid, and they painted absolutely everything without removing light fixtures, switches, cutting in trim; the place looks terrible and light fixtures are shorting out.

I have been resentful each month as I send off my rent thinking, "She obviously doesn't know who I am." Then I started thinking. When I was out there, I painted over everything in my life. As long as I looked good, I was okay, despite what people said about my lifestyle. I arrived in the rooms driving a pretty nice car, had my nails done frequently, but was an absolute shell of a human being. The exterior looked okay, but if you looked at my unpaid bills, my pending criminal charge, my employment history, they told the true tale. I painted over all the disaster in my life as part of my denial system.

I heard someone say in the meeting this morning, "I never abandoned my post." That is why he is still clean. It's just that simple. I have, for 23 years, had a new post. It's the Fellowship.

Until I blog again, may you find peace and comfort in your daily lives.

When times are tough...

Last night, my cousin was beaten to death in front of his house. We don't have any more details; the family is waiting for word from the police. It's a tragic waste of a life. This week, one of my coworkers was confronted by a gunshot wielding teen who tried to rob her. She told him to leave and he took off. She's lucky. We could have been attending her funeral. Perhaps it just illustrates which you'd rather deal with: A shotgun or a menopausal woman.

Today has been a very stressful day, from dealing with family members who each handle grief in their own fashion, to dealing with a real estate transaction that goes from bad to worse. But I know what to do. I'll go to a meeting tonight or get on the phone with someone and vent. I'll spend some time in prayer, because for some reason, I feel very far away from God and a bit stuck in fear.

Today I fully understand how precious life is. Hope your day goes better than mine.

No news

Tomorrow I'm driving up to my house near Prescott. The weather will be beautiful. Monday I'm driving down to Tucson for the day. We had a lot of rain this winter (for Arizona, of course), and the wildflowers are in bloom. I'm looking forward to the drive.

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