Saturday, March 15, 2008

Don't abandon your post!

As a lot of feelings sweep through my family this week, and I remember that we all deal with grief in our own peculiar way, which may not be the way another family does. I am glad I have safe harbor in the Fellowship.

"Lose the drama," my sponsor routinely tells me when the pitch of my voice starts rising dangerously. It always offends me, but it's true: No one can help me when I'm too emotional.

I went to my normal morning meeting and was late because I had to wait for the handyman to arrive to fix many broken items. The landlady is nice but doesn't take much pride in ownership so the house is a train wreck. She hired painters to come in, probably a low bid, and they painted absolutely everything without removing light fixtures, switches, cutting in trim; the place looks terrible and light fixtures are shorting out.

I have been resentful each month as I send off my rent thinking, "She obviously doesn't know who I am." Then I started thinking. When I was out there, I painted over everything in my life. As long as I looked good, I was okay, despite what people said about my lifestyle. I arrived in the rooms driving a pretty nice car, had my nails done frequently, but was an absolute shell of a human being. The exterior looked okay, but if you looked at my unpaid bills, my pending criminal charge, my employment history, they told the true tale. I painted over all the disaster in my life as part of my denial system.

I heard someone say in the meeting this morning, "I never abandoned my post." That is why he is still clean. It's just that simple. I have, for 23 years, had a new post. It's the Fellowship.

Until I blog again, may you find peace and comfort in your daily lives.


Shadow said...

you know, as we speak, we also have painters in re-doing the inside of the house. and my complaints echo yours exactly. i didn't, however, follow on to my own self a while back like you did. that was very observant of you. thanks for that! a new perspective...

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

I always LOVE when you quote what people say in meetings.

LOVED "lose the drama'
I never abandoned my post.

Cool. thanks for sharing!

Syd said...

Good stuff. I'm a perfectionist about painting. Everything taped and cut around. I like the idea that you've never abandoned your post either. Come back soon.