Monday, July 20, 2015

Sponsors get us through "the moment"

I often hear exactly what I need to hear at meetings. I had been having one of those weeks. I'm coming up on my first anniversary of my marriage to my husband and we had a tough few days last week. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong except that I felt trapped and irritable and afraid. So I called my sponsor.

She's been married for many years and can offer help for me in this area. I told her what was going on and she immediately suggested, as she has before, that I consider going back to Alanon, the program for those who have alcoholics in their lives. I did go to Naranon when my first husband began using and it helped me tremendously. However, I stopped going when we divorced.

What I find, though, is that the more I feel fearful or uncertain, the stronger my need to control. When I try to control, I'm sometimes not even polite. I may bark orders, thinking I know what is best for everyone but me. Then, I don't like my behaviors and begin to dislike myself. Then, I become depressed. It's a vicious cycle.

Sponsors get us through the moment, as I heard at a meeting a day into our marital travails. Sometimes I think I've been clean so long, "I've got this." But sometimes, I don't.

As I reflected for a few days on our marriage and my husband and I gingerly talked to each other, or for a few hours didn't, was that if anyone was going to screw up my marriage, it was me. Therefore, I had to be the one to figure it out and communicate.

I was able to talk through my fears with my husband, my feelings of being trapped and "we don't have enough in common." Today, all is well. We had a great Sunday together and both feel at peace.

Today my sponsor and I are going to visit a friend who just received her liver transplant. And the best part is that I'm emotionally available once again. Thank God for sponsorship. Thank God for God.

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