Why I hate Florida

I figured it out today--why I hate Florida. It's because the women here are thin and beautiful and I feel like a fat, ugly stepsister. Tonight I wandered over to the mall near my hotel and what was there? A whole bunch of thin woman in skimpy clothes wearing catch-me-come fuck me shoes that would immediately break my ankle. When I wander in stores like they have in Broward County, where a skirt sequined, skin tight, about four inches long and costs $270, I know I have entered a parallel universe. I immediately noticed my NA t-shirt was wrinkled and I was wearing Sketchers, can you imagine?

But I'm heading home tomorrow; our audit is wrapping up in the morning. Reviewing commercial insurance underwriting isn't a lot of fun, so we spend a bit of the day cracking very bad jokes and listening to our favorite audio clips we have stored on our computers. For underwriting reasons, agents can't write certain coverages like wind in certains cities in some states. We were having a hard time figuring out which states in Texas were restricted. One of the auditors said "Where is Graham City, Texas?"

"I don't know," I said, "but I'll bet a bunch of crackers live there." That was arguably the best line of the day, until the same auditor (who's from London) said "the audience loved me" when he recently, when he was "blasted," karoaked the theme from "Shaft." Okay. Maybe the drunks loved him, anyway. Whatever you say.

We then moved on to the newest pedophile sting that was on the morning news, this one in a small town in Iowa. I mentioned I'd looked at my state's sex offender web site and one of my neighbors was one it. "They tend to live in clusters," one of the other auditors said. "Yes, I think that's called a clusterfuck," I said.

Tomorrow, we'll have a few laughs, and then the Arizona team heads home. I won't miss Florida one little bit. In fact, if I never came here again, it would be alright by me. I prefer my own cluster.