Sunday, September 16, 2007

Seeing God in nature


Sometimes when I'm blue, I spend some time in nature to remember that I'm not the center of the universe. I've been working a 4th Step for quite awhile, waiting to meet my sponsor face-to-face to do my 5th. I thought I was finished, but alas, a new character defect has come to my attention quite suddenly. That character defect--inflexibility.

I loved my mother more than anyone on earth, I think, God bless her soul. But she was a trifle inflexible and I always found that trait extremely frustrating and saw the problems it caused in her marriage of 50 plus years to my father. I always swore I wouldn't be inflexible. But often when we say "I'll never be like her or him," we throw the baby out with the bathwater, and reject that person's good characteristics as well. I certainly didn't inherit my mother's wonderful trait of loving kindness; I've had to work on that trait.

I was a free spirit. I always was the little hippie dippy gal, running around the U.S. in braids and a knitted cap, living here and there, hitchhiking, on a whim, to wherever I felt I needed to be. I was not, I was sure, an inflexible person.

Okay, so I know when it comes to 2dogs, I am inflexible. That I will readily admit. I didn't realize, though, that I'm inflexible in some many other ways, nor did I realize the effects that inflexibility has on others in my life.

Last night I talked about this trait at a meeting. There was a woman visiting from a large city at the meeting who proceeded to give me all sorts of advice about what I should do (crosstalk, as I define it). I know when we travel out of our own element we sometimes think we can go to small towns and "set people right" with our superior experience, strength and hope. Frankly, it just annoyed me. But I digress.

I know what actions to take. This ain't my first rodeo. It's more in depth inventory and a call to my sponsor.

I wrote a letter of amends to a person who has been hurt by my inflexibility but didn't mail it because frankly, it digressed into a bit of an angry overtone, which is not what amends are about. Amends are "I was wrong; I'm sorry," not a "I did this but you did that, so you are wrong here, too."

So until I post again, have a great day. Fall is in the air in Missouri and frankly, I'm looking forward to it.


Pam said...

Fall is not in the air here, but boy howdy am I looking forward to it. I'm working on inflexibility sucks!

msb said...

I love fall in the Midwest. Those pictures are beautiful by the way.

Syd said...

I'm doing amends now too and have put off a few that I'm just not ready to do yet. Amends for me are about changing what I was doing. It isn't an apology but a statement about change.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Step 4 always STIRS up a lot of the ol s*it. Fans the flames somewhat!
So if everything is pissing you off at the moment, don't worry. Its just step 4 messing with your head! You will be a pussycat by the time you finish your step 5!