FINE

We all know what that stands for, right? I shall say no more. Tomorrow I am calling my sponsor. I am working too hard and not thinking very clearly.

My friend said today early in recovery he heard someone say, "We have no hope for a better past." I guess that means we should live in today.

In Narcotics Anonymous, the only promise is freedom from active addiction. I think sometimes we sold ourselves short by not cadging AA's promises, but I was apparently outvoted in that matter. Oh yeah, I wasn't here to vote.

As for the promises in my life, the one that I still haven't achieved is, "We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

I went to three meetings today. What does that say?

Until I blog again, stay clean. It is the softer, easier way.

Ever felt like this?

No, we were the drunk friends, I almost forgot.

No news

None today; just an intense bunch of emotions.

Chow time!

Sorry the picture is so poor. More good ones will arrive as Ms. Barbara is going over Friday to puppy sit!

Faith

A friend of mine lost her job the other day. She has many years in recovery, and she is now, as she says, having to practice what she preaches. She said she told her sponslings over the years, "Don't write the end of the story before you know the end of the story." She is now having to follow that advice.

Too often when things get tough, I believe the worst. I catastrophize and imagine the worst. It is tempting, when I get into drama about the situation (which I think is a trifle inevitable in the big events like job loss) to only see a terrible outcome. It is hard to look beyond the crisis.

Acceptance is a process; it doesn't always come overnight. But if I don't write the end of the story, then I can surrender and let God write the ending. Inevitably, it is better than anything I could have imagined.

In these tough economic times, we are seeing many members deeply impacted financially. It is important that I remain calm and grateful and if tough times hit, I let God write the ending.

Until I blog again, take care.

Oz a proud papa

Oz is the proud father of five beautiful puppies. The pups, four sables and one black and tan, are bred from a wonderful German import-lines female, Norice. Pics to follow! Stay tuned.

Food--the Final Frontier

Well, almost.

My God sees around corners

I was in a meeting a few nights ago when a newcomer, struggling with staying clean on life's terms, said, "I don't know what's coming, but my God sees around corners." Isn't that the truth? And isn't it amazing that we often hear what we need to hear out of the mouth of newcomers?

Many times I've been terrified in recovery, and I am not ashamed to admit it because I believe faith and fear can coexist for a brief period of time. Many times, I am afraid if I am struggling with the problem. If I can get some perspective, however, I can accept the situation as it stands and stop struggling, knowing that God is bigger and "sees around corners." Then, the fear is released.

I heard a speaker last night with an unusual pitch. She has 27 years clean and is working on her doctorate. She has overcome great odds, the child of an addict who basically raised herself, with all the subsequent damage. She spent a few minutes listing her assets, which I think is a tremendous thing. When I got here and did my first fourth step, I was hard-pressed to come up with any assets. Today, I know what my assets are because some of my defects of character have become assets most of the time, at least.

Where I was stubborn, I am now persistent or even tenacious.
Where I was angry, I now have healthy boundaries.
Where I was egotistical, I now believe I have a healthy self-esteem.
Where I was impatient, well, I can't lie, I still am quite often.
Where I was street-smart, I am now able to analyze.
Where I was full of contempt, I am now compassionate.
Where I was sarcastic, I am now funny.

I am writing this because it has been a hard week, for a few reasons. The other day while unpacking I ran across a diary from 1983, when I was in the very bottom of my addiction, spinning out of control. It was frightening and it did two things: It scared me, knowing I could go back to that if I forget where I came from, and it gave me great gratitude for having been able to stick with the program for almost a quarter of a century now.

If you spent Valentine's Day alone and no one said "I love you," I do. Where I was full of hatred, today, I am full of love. The Fellowship gave me that.

Now here's a no brainer

Excuse the pun, but duh. Ritalin addictive; who woulda' thunk it?

Sponsorship

I know, isn't this just too cute? Not much happening here. It is raining, which in Arizona is almost always good news. It is so dry that we welcome any rain. Where I live now most plants are desert dwelling and require very little water, but plants seem to thrive after a rain.

At work last week almost 20 percent of my coworkers were laid off. It was very tense and stressful to watch people, some who had worked there for almost 30 years, carry out their boxes. They received no severance, no notice, nothing but a cart to take their boxes to their car. It is frightening and although the division where I work is unscathed in this round, there is more to come.

I talked to one of the women who was cut after many years, and she brushed away my concern. "God is good," she said. "And bigger," I added. She believes God has something better in store for her and I know she is right. Everything that has happened to me in recovery that I classified as "bad" at the time has ultimately worked out for the better.

In my life, I have walked through many things clean, but never financial problems in the nation of this magnitude. It is hard not to be concerned when I watch the news and surf some of the financial sites I read as part of my work. It is scary, but I remind myself: "God is bigger."

Here is what I do when I feel bad, as I did Thursday night. I get off the couch or shut down the computer and go to a meeting. It has worked for me for 24 years and it keeps working.

I have been here a little over a year now and I am happy in the Southwest. Mild feelings of panic start sometimes over the economy and feeling tied down here because I do own a house that, in this market, would probably not sell quickly. But I know that God has a plan and for now, it is for me to be here, at home, in Arizona.

I only have to step onto my patio in this beautiful rain to know: God hasn't brought me this far to drop me on my head.

If you are struggling, struggle on. It is definitely worth the price.