Amends revisited

I have a dear friend in the Oakland area, Louisa J., who I have learned so much from over the years. I remember once when I had a few years clean we were talking about amends in a meeting. I had a situation troubling me and I talked to her about it at "the meeting after the meeting."

I knew that a friend of mine was upset with me for something I truly believed was not my fault. I have always been stubborn, and I didn't want to make amends for something I didn't do. I told Louisa this, and she commented, "I've found that even if you didn't do anything wrong, it's sometimes better to apologize anyway in honor of the friendship."

That comment didn't sit too well with stubborn old me. I don't believe I ever made amends in this case, but over the years, I've learned the value of her belief. If an issue is standing between me and another person, I need to talk with them about it. Usually, even if I don't believe I did anything wrong, if they're hurt or upset, it's often better to apologize.

I was talking to a friend the other day who is having a hard time with a family member who continues to throw her behavior in her face despite the passage of many years. What I recommended she say, rather than defending her behavior at the time, was "I'm sorry that you see it that way."

We often get frustrated with people who can't seem to forgive us for our transgressions. We may not feel that we did anything, or the other person won't tell us what we did. Those are tricky amends to make, and I've got catchphrases I use when I don't feel that I've done anything wrong, for example, if by my setting appropriate boundaries I've hurt someone's feelings. "I'm sorry that you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you were hurt" often covers it.

Amends cost us nothing, yet we stand much to gain by making them. We often gain an understanding of the other person's perspective; we gain humility; and we often gain stronger relationships when we make a heartfelt apology.

Making amends

Isn't he a cute little fletcher? We had a great night here in Missouri. We organized a New Year's Eve party and I organized the beverage committee, which despite my fears and the initial difficulty of getting people to agree to take a shift, went without a hitch. This fear, like 99 percent of my fears, never materialized.
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Because it's been on my mind lately, I wanted to talk about amends and how we make them. When I had quite a few years, I was living in LA and went back to Oakland to visit a few friends, where I spent years three through seven or so. I ran into an old acquaintance, who, the last few times I'd seen him, had been really rude to me. I didn't know what I did so I just figured I must have offended him somehow.
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This trip to town, I saw him at a Sunday morning meeting and he came up to me after the meeting really friendly and apologized for being so short with me. I didn't ask him why, but he offered, saying "I just heard from some people that you were really selfish!"
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I was flabbergasted. I just didn't know what to say. All I could imagine was that it must have surrounded my divorce, which took place in Oakland in year five. This particular man was involved with one of my good friends who had strong opinions about my marriage, so I immediately suspected that she must have told him that I was selfish.
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I was crushed, both at what he had told me (of course, there was a ring of truth in what he said, as there always is when people make these sideways "I love you/you are a bad person" attacks), and at the suspicion that my good friend had judged me and talked out of school, contributing to the whole mess.
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I talked to my friend I was staying with, who had been my wasband's sponsor and knew me for years. He told me not to worry about it, because that's the way this particular person often approached people; he was known for these types of attacks. In other words, "Don't take it personally."
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It bothered me for some time, and whenever, in the past ten years, I saw this person (which isn't often since I don't travel there much anymore), I avoided him like the plague. Once bitten, twice shy and all that.
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In my early years of recovery, I didn't know how to make amends. My sponsor was never specific about how to tell people I was sorry, so I figured it out the best way I could. I would find the people I needed to talk with, tell them in great detail that I was sorry, but only after explaining in greater detail why I had wronged them, allowing them to clearly see what I felt they may have contributed to the situation.
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For example, I might say "I'm sorry that I snapped at you at the service meeting over the way I was handling the meeting minutes. You see, I'm very sensitive to that because as a child, my mother constantly criticized me and you triggered all those childhood feelings of inadequacy." (I called this the "You stole my tinker toys" defense.)
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However, when I had seven years a good friend I worked with at the WSO, Deb M., who knew more about the Steps than about anyone I've ever known, set me straight.
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"Here's how you make amends," she told me. "You simply say "I was wrong; I'm so sorry." Then, of course, you determine how or if you can right the wrong.
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I realized after Deb taught me this that it isn't an amend if you tell someone you were sorry by pointing out any part they may have had in the problem. It's your amend, not theirs. Amends, as Meg Moran reminded me with her comment today, are an exercise in humility.
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I may understand perfectly well why I acted like I did. The other person may have been acting badly, as well. They may even have a huge part in the whole mess. However, there is no reason for the other person to know your life history or what "triggered" your feelings. That is your issue to resolve and your responsibility, not theirs.
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Amends are a powerful way to transform relationships. The simpler the words, I have found, the better. People will read into our words many meanings, so when I make amends, I use the KISS principle and "keep it simple." Making an amend is supposed to make the situation better, not worse, so be careful!
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Have a great day! Remember, it's the start of a new year and you can do anything differently you'd like, starting now.