Friday, February 16, 2007

What does it mean, really?

Do you ever wonder why things happen? Last night, about 11:00, Romy and I decided it was time for bed. Oz went to his crate (otherwise he stares at me intermittently waking me up starting about 6:00 a.m.). I took two great books upstairs, Bob Bly's Secrets of a Freelance Writer and my crossword puzzle book. Lately, I've become hooked on crosswords.

Romy hopped on the foot of the bed first; I climbed aboard a moment later. Suddenly, a loud "crack" rent the air and the bed collapsed. Romy was not amused and went off to sleep on the twin bed in the next room.

Because I have no life and too much time on my hands, when weird things like this happen, I try to look for the metaphor in it. As you know, faithful blog readers (my Doggettes!), I was in the midst of a heated job interview cycle with a company north of here. After three pretty grueling interviews, they didn't hire me, instead going with "an internal candidate."

I've been gruntled, as one of my business cohorts put it, over the whole situation, which I perceived as a giant waste of my time and energy. However, as I lay on the floor last night trying to sleep (after I'd moved the mattress away from the frame), I thought about what my HP is trying to say to me.

I've had about ten job interviews in the past eight months, all of them except one in the same industry in one form or another. The stress of this industry nearly killed me last time and isn't insanity, as I often preach, repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results? Then by that definition, I am acting insanely and against my best interests.

I keep looking for a job I don't want (I want health benefits, though!), and perhaps that's coming through in the interviews at some level. I know that I'm only 18 months post-transplant and just the drives to and the interviews exhausted me. How do I think I'm going to go back to working 50 and 60 hour weeks, commute, and have any life?

I firmly believe that God does for us what we can't do for ourselves. Essentially, I thought as I lay on the floor, God is closing doors for me again and again and over there lies -- wait! an open window.

The one thing I can do is write. The other thing I can do is give great business advice to others after 22 years in the management trenches. Plus, as a great addict, I greatly dislike authority (despite many fourth steps), so I am basically incapable of working for others for long. So you put it together. Shouldn't I be trying to build my own business, even if it means going into debt to do so?

Also, as I sat in class last night (I'm working on my masters in sociology) watching a film on W.E.B. DuBois and watching artist after artist, poet after poet, talking about Dubois' life and his search for justice, shouldn't my skills really go to something good instead of just to me? Does society really need one more manager, or does it need a writer who can pound out the truth?

So am I on the horns of a dilemma or am I just, once again, in need of more trust? Twice, at least, I've been delivered by Grace. God hasn't dropped me on my head, finding a liver for me when I'd already been left for dead by doctors who just didn't know how plucky I am. He got me clean from a horrific addiction. So where is my trust?

As I often preach to the blog masses, God is either everything or he's nothing. When the bed collapsed last night, I was immediately reminded of the Third Step. It's about collapsing into the Belief of a loving Higher Power. Thank God for small reminders, hey?

Well, I'm heading out soon to take a friend to meet a friend of mine. She's adopting her 5th child from Haiti (she's 50, by the way!) and to me she is a picture in love and courage. I wish I were more loving and courageous. Wait! I am, Gosh darn it, and people like me!

PS I'm into positive affirmations, too, did I tell you? Thanks for listening, Doggettes! I love you all, you know? Your comments often make my day!


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Interesting. All I know is that EVERYONE finds it pretty difficult looking for new jobs. The jobmarket just isn't easy. people just don't sail into new jobs. Its very natural that the process will be stressful and exasperating. You just have to keep plugging away and see what happens. Jobs are always tiring to begin with. The only way I know how to make it easier, is to cut back on other commitments and eat well and exercise. Once you have a new job, it will be much easier to figure out what you can and can't handle in regards to your physical stamina and what have you. Personally I find being employed FAR less stressful than job searching. Something will come up I'm sure.. Besides, you can always write as well. it doesn't have to be either/or. Gawd knows. I'd LOVE to get something part time so I can do more study, so I'm looking around for all sorts of stuff I woudln't normally do. It's not easy! Thats for sure! I hope we BOTH get something that suits us!

Meg Moran said...

I feel like your course is clear, place your order with the Universe dear friend and expect the miracle. Your intentions speak very clearly, and yes the world need more compassion and less corp managers.

I so relate to the comments meaning alot. I don't think you read my blog, but those who do make me smile and often challenge me to go even deeper. It's a rich community we have growing here huh? Now, go fix yer bed sista.

Anonymous said...

That kind of faith is a difficult thing, albeit attainable. My Mother (the Pastor)taught me that "faith is not belief without proof, it is trust without reservation."
I think that's what you are saying as well.
Peace and new bed frames,
P.S. I will second what Meg said about comments and blog reading.

Rex said...

Great post. I have found that God's voice sometimes comes as soft and quiet as a gentle breeze and other times as loud as a crashing bed. The trick is to find a way to listen. I had a very valuable lesson this past week myself in listening for that always comes we only need prepare ourselves to be ready to hear it.