Today in recovery, being even a little off balance feels like a train wreck. It's nothing I can put my finger on, but I am feeling a lot of dis-ease for the past few days. Part of it is my volunteer work with the gals at the halfway house who have been through such horrific events in their young lives. We are teaching a ten-week writing class and so much, of course, of what they write about is so very painful and stirs up so many feelings in me. One of the prominent feelings is gratitude--that despite how far down I went, my parents never gave up on me. So I do walk away with gratitude.
I'm finishing my second to the last class in my graduate program and probably walking away with a B, which is pretty much a first for me. That is pissing me off.
Oh yes, I did change sponsors. I spoke to my old sponsor yesterday and told her. I am so grateful for what she has given me over the years, but I'm feeling like I want a sponsor I can spend more time with as she is definitely not a "hang out" person. She made that clear in the beginning, and I never needed that. Today, I feel like I do. I have a tendency not to seek direction, so it is better for me if I have a sponsor I see frequently.
Lately I've feeling very alienated from everyone. I'm sure part of it is the frequent moving, but here is the perfect example. I went to our Dinosaur Dinner last night, which is a monthly event of many of the 20-plus people in this area. Almost all the women who would attend, I learned, had gone up to Payson with a woman who was my second sponsor's sponsor to have a birthday party for her 32nd. I saw her Tuesday night, talked to her at length, and she didn't invite me. Waah. I'm feeling like I have two left feet.
The whole NA clique thing can be painful; I'm sure it's the same in other fellowships, as well. After hosting a friend's 25th birthday party here and not inviting a few people because he didn't like them, and hurting their feelings in the process, I've decided that I will no longer host things that aren't pretty much open invitations. Even in early recovery, I wasn't part of the NA "in crowd" in Phoenix. We formed our own "in crowd," and that's what kept me clean.
There are other things going on too complex for blogging, but in short, I'm having a bit of a time. I know the answers. I'm sure, this too, shall pass.
Until I blog again, I hope you are doing well. Incidentally, Romy ate another two shoes this week. She always picks shoes from different pairs. What can I say? Is there somewhere I can donate one shoe?
4 comments:
Baby girl...we all have low times when we don't seem to fit. Hang on. One thing I've learned, being a dopeless hope fiend, is that it will get different. Maybe better. Maybe not.
Writing a gratitude list always helps me.
Wishing you comfort.
hang in there. niggly times come and go, thankfully! and one shoe, mmmm, let me think..... nope, no idea. maybe you should 'hide' it for romy to find next time the urge arises?
I agree with you about the party thing. I have just come away from one that left some hurt feelings. I'd rather not exclude anyone.
social stuff in 12 step things always has awkward edges. goes with the territory. well we are pretty sick people :)
i dont really hang out with aa's so can't really comment. but i know the easiest people to deal with are sponsees and newcomers.
i like aa's but i just never get around to hanging out with them. except for coffee after meetings. i like silence and i find a disappointingly few %ge of members are able to comfortably tolerate differing outlooks, so conversations can get awkward very easily. ideally it would be live and let live, but that doesn't happen as often as i would like.
I've stopped trying to fit in. or gain aa approval. i know that. i find a lot of women competitive and a lot of the men lonely, so in some ways my own company is easier. besides i get to see the aa's i know regularly at meetings anyway. but thats me. perhaps you benefit from more shared time..
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