Check engine light

The check engine light is on again in my Trooper. It happened a few months ago when I was heading up Mingus Mountain on my way to my friend Barbara's house. It began idling rough and the result was over $600 in repairs. It's on again and although the truck is running fine, I'll call my mechanic because I know the light signals a potential problem.

Wouldn't it be nice if we humans had a check engine light? You know, a light that comes on and flashes in our mind's eye that warns us "You need help. See a professional." Or maybe it would say simply "Go to a meeting" or "Call your sponsor."

Today, my light is lit. I'm sad, I'm feeling rootless, and I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed. My check engine light is already usually lit when I get in situations that are confrontational and I don't handle them well. My check engine light is like a pilot light that is subject to explosion. I have to guard myself when I'm feeling like I feel.

There's no time for a meeting today because I have an article that I need to finish by tomorrow. Tonight we're painting closets so I can begin to settle in my home. And there's Romy dog, who's been by herself for three days and who is curled up right by my side. She needs attention, too.

I know when I feel this vague sense of sadness, I have to be vigilant. (My boyfriend and I call ourselves the Vigilant Idiots.) I have to take time out for me. It may be a simple adjustment I need, like a meeting. It usually is. But I know that when I feel like I do right now, I have to think my feelings through to the bitter end, which is that the end result of feeling sorry for myself is rationalizing the need to drink. Just for today, I'm not going there.

I'm going to recall the lesson I learned last year about gratitude. It's not "I'm grateful except"; gratitude is black or white. I'm either grateful or I'm not. Today, despite how I feel, I'm grateful.