You will laugh, you will laugh

Happy Thanksgiving. Now go visit I Can Has Cheezburger.

Self-loathing

I was in a meeting today and the topic of self-loathing came up, but not in such fancy terms. The guy who shared was digesting huge chunks of information about himself, much of it negative. As I listened to him, I wondered if he had a sponsor who was giving him direction, or he was trying to wrestle through these truths alone. As we work the steps, we often uncover these "chunks of truth" as I refer to them, which are downright negative.

I also had coffee after the meeting last night with a friend who is in his 17th year and to say his life was unmanageable would be an understatement. Another friend and I spent time listening to the insanity that he was parading through his life (thank God he's telling someone!) and we both asked him about sponsorship.

He moved here from the East Coast a few years ago and hasn't gotten a new sponsor. Now there's a surprise, we told him. Your life is unmanageable, you are consistently making bad decisions, and you wonder why you feel like this?

I just finished a wonderful book titled, The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning. This book talks about the spiritual path we walk with the Twelve Steps. Mainly, the book maintains, we grow spiritually through listening to and sharing our experiences with other human who accept us, imperfections and all.

We find that we finally fit somewhere, those of us who stay in the rooms, at least. I am grateful that I have always loved meetings and gotten what I needed from them. I am so grateful to the people who loved me when I first vibrated into the rooms and encouraged me to stick around for the miracle.

I am glad that, despite my many failings, I rarely feel "loathsome tonight."

Until I blog again, I hope you have a wonderful week.

Happy Veteran's Day!

On this day, I want to thank all the Veterans who have served this wonderful country. This includes a special thanks to my three brothers, Vietnam era vets, and my father, who served in the South Pacific.

Thank you for your selfless service to this great nation. Today, even the squirrels seem to understand how important your service is and was to this nation. May God bless you and keep you safe from harm.

To anonymous, who is struggling in her alcoholism where there are no AA meetings and wrote to me a few days ago asking for some help. There are tons of resources for "loners" as they call them in AA. There are also on-line chat groups. So read this post, click on some links since you obviously have web access, and let's trust our blog readers to post some comments where you may also get help.

First, there are many on-line AA meetings. I can't personally vouch for them since I am in NA, but here are some links I found through a quick Google search.

http://www.aaonline.net/

http://www.aa-intergroup.org/

This is a great place to start! Here is the AA Big Book (AA's textbook, as it were), on line. http://www.aa.org/bbonline/

Any other resources out there?

Post-election party

I am so grateful. It's been a long time coming, but perhaps now, America can get back on the right track. Did you hear Obama's acceptance speech? It was beautiful.

Romy's big adventure

While I was in Mexico over taking a three-day weekend with some coworkers, my roommate baby sat the dogs. When we were driving back on Monday afternoon, I called him to get a dog status. "I have bad news," he said. "Romy got out."

"What do you mean 'got out'?" I asked him. Apparently he left the door ajar and she escaped. He said he spent the whole weekend looking for her posting signs, and went to the pound, but she was gone.

I hung up on him at that point before I lost it and my coworkers told me to take some deep breaths because, of course, I was imagining the worst. This is a dog who has never been around cars and I live in a very busy area of town.

A few minutes later, my phone rang (in Rocky Point I had no cell service). It was a woman who ran a German shepherd/Malinois rescue. Her neighbor had found Romy the night she escaped (Friday) and had taken Romy to her. They had been trying to call me without success. Romy was safe.

Needless to say, I was so grateful. As soon as I got to Phoenix I went to her house and picked up Ms. Romy, who was ecstatic to see me. They had 20 rescue dogs and Romy spent the weekend mostly on the bed and couch, they said. She got along fine with all the dogs.

So the long and short of it is my roommate never apologized, only complained about how it ruined his weekend to have to look for her. I have been over this door thing with him many times, so I'm going to ask him to move. It isn't worth it to me to lose a dog over his ignorance and self centeredness. It's only Grace that she wasn't killed, because she was found on a four-lane street at night.

I had a ton of fun in Mexico, but boy, can my coworkers drink like fish. I don't think I'll be going back down anytime soon. The two of us who didn't drink spent most of our time mediating stupid behavior.

So until I blog again, take care.

Emotional train wreck

Today in recovery, being even a little off balance feels like a train wreck. It's nothing I can put my finger on, but I am feeling a lot of dis-ease for the past few days. Part of it is my volunteer work with the gals at the halfway house who have been through such horrific events in their young lives. We are teaching a ten-week writing class and so much, of course, of what they write about is so very painful and stirs up so many feelings in me. One of the prominent feelings is gratitude--that despite how far down I went, my parents never gave up on me. So I do walk away with gratitude.

I'm finishing my second to the last class in my graduate program and probably walking away with a B, which is pretty much a first for me. That is pissing me off.

Oh yes, I did change sponsors. I spoke to my old sponsor yesterday and told her. I am so grateful for what she has given me over the years, but I'm feeling like I want a sponsor I can spend more time with as she is definitely not a "hang out" person. She made that clear in the beginning, and I never needed that. Today, I feel like I do. I have a tendency not to seek direction, so it is better for me if I have a sponsor I see frequently.

Lately I've feeling very alienated from everyone. I'm sure part of it is the frequent moving, but here is the perfect example. I went to our Dinosaur Dinner last night, which is a monthly event of many of the 20-plus people in this area. Almost all the women who would attend, I learned, had gone up to Payson with a woman who was my second sponsor's sponsor to have a birthday party for her 32nd. I saw her Tuesday night, talked to her at length, and she didn't invite me. Waah. I'm feeling like I have two left feet.

The whole NA clique thing can be painful; I'm sure it's the same in other fellowships, as well. After hosting a friend's 25th birthday party here and not inviting a few people because he didn't like them, and hurting their feelings in the process, I've decided that I will no longer host things that aren't pretty much open invitations. Even in early recovery, I wasn't part of the NA "in crowd" in Phoenix. We formed our own "in crowd," and that's what kept me clean.

There are other things going on too complex for blogging, but in short, I'm having a bit of a time. I know the answers. I'm sure, this too, shall pass.

Until I blog again, I hope you are doing well. Incidentally, Romy ate another two shoes this week. She always picks shoes from different pairs. What can I say? Is there somewhere I can donate one shoe?

Trudge, baby, trudge!

I went to a step meeting tonight focused on Step Six. The first time I went through the steps with my sponsor, my Fifth Step took about eight hours so my sponsor was probably too exhausted to tell me to go home immediately and take Step Six and Seven. Of course, with all our fancy step guides today, I don't know many people who sponsor that way anymore.

However, what happened is I got hung up on Steps Six and Seven for a long, long while. I made them much more complicated than they are. At the meeting there were a few opinions about how to take Step Six, and one gal said that she looked forward to a long, tortuous life with the help of Step Six. A guy sitting near me turned to his friend and said, "Trudge, baby, trudge!"

Isn't that how it goes? Many times we must just put one foot in front of the other, put down our heads and focus on each minute.

Another thing I heard at the meeting before the meeting (which is why I like to show up early) is a man state that the economy was causing him to live in fear. I can definitely relate. I feel very uncertain right now about the future, my future, our nation's future. I believe I can have some level of fear and faith at the same time.

There are only a few "must haves" in my life today: The Fellowship and an ability to buy my anti-rejection drugs. Other than that, I don't need much. I'd like, of course, to continue to pay my mortgage, but so what if I can't? I'd like to remain employed, but so what if I don't? I'd like to be able to eat regularly, but I could lose a few pounds and it wouldn't kill me.

Seriously, as I watch the economy continue to melt down, there is some level of fear. But I know that as long as I can get to meetings, despite what happens around me, I'll be okay.

I love the picture. If I believe in what I see happening around me, I get confused and fearful. As my sponsor used to say when I called her, "God is the answer; now what was the question?"

How Google has made me a better sponsor

I am finishing my master's degree this year in sociology, which basically means I know a lot about a lot of nothing. With this degree, I can probably teach at the community college level about, not much. This degree, in some ways, gives me broader insight into humans and how they react, than some, but I sure am terrible at algebra.

However, the title of this post is not about me, it is about how Google has made me a better sponsor. Recently one of the gals I've worked with for a number of years called me about a very personal issue she was having. After a quick Google search, I was able to verify what I suspected: That her complaint was quite common in her circumstances and that perhaps she needed to discuss the matter more openly with her husband. Thanks, Google, for making me a better sponsor. That is the law of unintended consequences. I don't think Google set out to help 12-Steppers, but there you have it.

Not much else is going on here in Hot Arizona where it is still over 100 freaking degrees. Hope you are all well. 2 dogs are sleeping after their hard weekend in northern Arizona. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Another peaceful weekend

in Northern Arizona. 2dogs enjoyed the cooler weather. I planted two more trees in the back yard, a flowering plum and another sycamore. The grasshoppers had made twigs out of a few plants, so I used a repellent and by Monday morning they were almost gone. Hopefully I can salvage what they ate.

Until I blog again, always wear protective clothing when trying to kill grasshoppers with chemicals. I must now sign off to scratch.

Scrabble and procrastination

Last night I was up north and my friends stayed the night, on their way to California on vacation. My friend is from the Czech Republic and is very emotional, to put it mildly. It all started with a simple game of Scrabble. Because I haven’t played in years and his girlfriend was very experienced, she and I decided we would just start playing and I would refresh myself on the rules as we went along, and we would teach him as we went. Boy, was that the wrong decision.

The lack of a dictionary was another major impediment. The first word he tried to spell was "eco.” We both said that was a prefix and he couldn’t use it. He argued quite loudly that it was most certainly not a prefix, after asking, “What is a prefix?” The second round went no smoother, and he took his tiles and dumped them, and quit. We made fun of him, and continued to play while teasing him.

While she and I played on, he continued to watch and read the rules and correct us loudly at about every other move. She beat me soundly, by twice as many points. I am a type A and if I can make a two-letter word and move the game forward, that is my strategy, which, of course, is a strategy only for a sound arse-kicking.

We bedded out finally about midnight and went to sleep, their two German shepherds asleep with them in the great room, mine locked in my bedroom with me, since Oz was being a bit snotty to their male, Bernarde. "This is my house and my toys and Romy is my pack member and you are an uninvited guest," he seemed to say as he guarded his bones and balls.

This morning the dogs barked when they got up. I think Romy forgot we had overnight guests. They went for a walk and I slept in. When I finally got up a few hours later, they were at the kitchen table playing, you guessed it, Scrabble! There was less argument because she was allowing him to do some phonetic spelling: “genre” was spelled “janre.” Really, that’s how it is pronounced!

As we ate oatmeal with brown sugar (his with three egg whites and one cooked yolk on top), I helped him lose his first game. As they were getting ready to leave, he noticed a wall plate I have, where the entire world, instead of continents, is renamed things like “the Ocean of Love,” “Sea of Deceit,” “River of Revenge,” and “Peninsula of Procrastination.”

“That is where I live,” he said, pointing to Procrastination.

“I would, but I never get around to it,” I responded. We all laughed.

They packed up the car and the dogs and drove off to California, first routing their trip for me on their atlas. A few minutes later, my phone rang.

“We left the peaches,” he said. “They don’t look good, but they are delicious.”

“I’ll eat them,” I told him. And I repeated two more things I had told them as they left.

“Be careful,” and “I love you,” because I never want to let friends leave anymore without that reminder. The world is an unpredictable place, and I want them to know how I feel, just in case. In that matter, I no longer procrastinate.

Vacation time!

I just took a week off work and spent the time in Northern Arizona at my house. I had such a nice time. I had all sorts of things planned that I wanted to do--drive to Lake Powell, or maybe Colorado. I ended up doing almost nothing except yard work and napping, and that was fine with me.

The weather was pretty good, little rain, so most of the days I spent moving the hose around watering trees I've recently planted and trying to protect them from the hungry elk that love to eat aspens. "Aspens are like elk ice cream," one of my coworkers said. My friends, who come up almost every Sunday to nap on my porch, call me by my new Indian name: "Moves the Waters" because I'm constantly getting up to move the hose from one tree or plant to another.

I put up several hummingbird feeders and each day more hummingbirds seem to discover it. This weekend I lost count of how many were fighting over the feeders, but at least three dozen, I'd estimate. I finally broke down yesterday and hung up a third one. Each day as I napped I could hear, as I dozed off, the sound of hummingbirds chirping, wings flapping, and the wind chimes that don't even phase the birds. Here is an awesome sight for many wonderful hummingbird pics.

Each afternoon I napped, so I guess I needed the sleep. I went to a meeting almost every day and wandered around town hitting the thrift stores and chatting with people. It was a great vacation.

One day last week, a woman stopped by my house to introduce herself. She had moved in to the empty house near me. She looked like one hundred miles of bad road. Her car was a rolling wreck, windows knocked out, no door interiors, wires sticking out, threatening my curious dogs' eyeballs. In the first four minutes of conversation, I learned she had just gotten out of a Kansas jail for failure to pay child support, and had just had her license suspended for driving under the influence of marijuana and methamphetamines. I excused myself for a minute and went and got her an NA meeting list. "You don't have to live like this," was about all I said.

Sunday I noticed her walking down the road and offered her a ride. She was going to the local cafe for breakfast. Last night I took her to her first meeting and, with tears in her eyes, she got her newcomer chip. It was pretty neat. She also peeled off the bucks for a Basic Text, so who knows? It's always an uphill battle for the newcomer, but if she's as sick and tired as she looks, maybe she is ready. One of my friends in the Fellowship tells me he's just the postman--he delivers the message. Whether the other person receives it or not is up to him or her. And God, I usually add. Isn't it true that it's merely God's grace that we get the program or we never arrive? Who can explain why I get it and my wonderful relative struggling for years with his alcoholism does not?

So until I blog again, dear readers, put out a hummingbird feeder. The small investment will pay back untold dividends.

Some days you're the dog

Things are a bit rocky around here, but only in my head. As my sponsor tells me, make a gratitude list, so here goes.

• My wonderful two dogs, who love me unconditionally (even though I broke the remote control last night throwing it at Oz after he bit my finger accidentally).
• My friends, who are few and far between these days.
• My job.
• My business.
• My sponslings, who keep me somewhat out of myself.

However, it is rough right now. I am financially paying the price for my Missouri move. It will take me, if I stay on budget, at last 18 months just to dig myself out of the financial mess I find myself in, again. I am truly sick and tired of the way I handle or don't handle money. I believe I have hit my bottom. So last night, once again, I went back to my budget and I am determined to live within my means, or below my means where possible. It is the hardest thing I have struggled with in my recovery and I'm tired of struggling.

My sponsor is going through a very rough time and as a result, isn't going to any meetings, or very few. Her husband is actively using and she is uptight, abrasive and defensive. Her sponsor spoke last night at a meeting and was phenomenal, but she won't avail herself of her sponsor's assistance.

I'm considering my options re sponsorship. It is ironic because I went through a period before my transplant where I only went to meetings at one location and my favorite sponsling (yes, we do have favorites!) fired me because she "needed to see me at meetings." I totally understand now what she was saying. Although it hurt like heck at the time, she later became my sponsling again when I started showing up at meetings after the transplant.

The other thing is that I've totally stopped doing service other than sponsoring. There is a tremendous attitude in meetings, spoken and otherwise, that if you aren't in general service, you aren't giving back to NA. As a result, I'm feeling a bit alienated. So last night I volunteered for the New Year's Eve planning committee. This is a small commitment and with my busy schedule working full time and trying to run my business, is about all I can do.

Tomorrow morning I have to go to a funeral of a dear family friend who died suddenly at 57. Now that may not seem young to you, but to me, it does. I learned most of the cuss words in my extensive repertoire watching Sam and my brother try to fix my brother's 1963 Chevy in my parent's driveway. Sam helped me move my mother to Missouri a few years ago when she was too ill to remain alone, a trip I can make in two days and took us four. It was a caravan of four women, three dogs and him.

He normally called me once a week. "What are you doing?" I'd ask.

"A whole lot of nothing," he'd respond.

He was a highly decorated Vietnam Vet. He was a door gunner on a Huey, shot down four times, had several purple hearts, a Medal of Honor and other military awards. The last time he was shot down, he was the sole survivor. Yet he never talked to me about his war experiences.

He came back from Vietnam strung out on heroin and he came to me to score. I guess my brother had told him what a mess I was. We ran around for awhile, then he somehow cleaned up. He wasn't one of us. He got married, had three kids, and went on to live a normal life. He was one of those people whom I took for granted in my life. He had a quiet, keen sense of humor and was one of the most intelligent people I have ever known. He played crosswords continuously and could help me solve about anything I couldn't figure out in the ones I did. I will miss him.

Funerals are a bummer, and I know his tomorrow will be difficult. Both his parents are alive still, and it is always a tragedy when parents bury their children. But I also find that once I attend and if I can cry, then I'm better equipped to put closure to the passing. I will miss Sam. He was like a brother to me.

On to my brothers. One is back in the homeless shelter, another, here for Sam's funeral, got drunk and passed out on my lawn last night. I drove in from a meeting and the meeting after the meeting at a Chinese restaurant to find him sprawled in the grass next to my truck. I am so tired of this damn disease.

This is why I am writing. I am hurting. I am hurting from the tragedies I watch in my family. I am hurting because I can't help them. I am hurting because I lost my friend Sam, who knew my history and could always cheer me up. I am hurting because I have made more missteps in my recovery. I am hurting because this is life on life's terms.

So until I blog again, thank you for being there for me.

According to plan ...

It's funny how rigid we can become if we aren't careful. I know when I was struggling to get high every day, I woke up and knew what had to get done from the moment my feet hit the floor. Today, I have a general plan for how I want my day to go, but I don't let things throw me if all does not go according to plan.

I was going to borrow a friend's trailer to move some things to my house up north since I've decided not to rent it again. But this morning when I called her to arrange to make the drive, which is over an hour away, to pick it up, she mentioned that she needed to get things done by a certain time this evening. That sort of set me off, because it would have put too much pressure on me. So I begged off and just made some other arrangement. In my first decade or so in recovery, that would have ruined my day! Today I can work around things. You've heard that old expression: "When a normal person gets a flat tire, they call Triple A. When an addict gets one, they call Suicide Prevention!" Today, that's not my case.
Today is the 4th of July, of course, and usually I write a blog about how grateful I am to be clean and have freedom from active addiction. I'm just feeling very low-key today, which is okay by me. I'm spending weekends in northern Arizona and the addicts in meetings up there are surrounding me with love and care. Last weekend an NA crew drove out to my house to look at some plumbing and well issues. If my heart is open, I've found many people's hearts open to me.
Two dogs are going crazy running around the house because I've loaded up the truck and they know--it's road trip time! They love their trips and weekends in the cooler climates. Ms. R, who is 12 now, walks a few blocks around the house, but doesn't wander far. Oz just spends the day digging holes or bringing me his ball to throw. They are both so easy to please. The older I get, the more I want to be like my dogs.

I hope that your holiday is safe and that you have the gas to make it to meetings (that's becoming an issue, isn't it?) and many hot dogs to stuff your beautiful faces with. Until I blog again, stay clean, it's the softer, easier way. I know.

Exciting times in my life

I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been so darn busy. Here are all the exciting things going on in a list. I love lists.

• My job that I took this year is really a blessing. I have been able, for the most part, to practice principles before personalities in the workplace and as a result have made a bunch of new friends and am well respected. I know because for the first time in years, my bosses tell me things like, "You are awesome!" and "You are doing a great job" and "You have accomplished a lot." I am very happy with that aspect of my life. Plus, I have fantastic benefits like a week of paid vacation and then some already.
  

• My business is going well. I've gotten new writing assignments at the point that I'm doing just over two columns per week.

• My brother, who is my strategic business partner, is moving to Arizona to live in my old house. I am tired of renting it and all the attendant hassles that comes with owning a rental and we can work closer together and build the business. So that means I'll have two relatives close to me, which is awesome.

• I am flying back east tomorrow to give a keynote address to other professionals in my industry and I'm very excited about that. There will be copious amounts of seafood involved and I get to spend a few days with one of the gals I sponsored in the Midwest who is going through a rough patch.

• On the health side, the news could not be better. I transferred to a new doctor here at the liver transplant center where they originally refused to give me a transplant, which forced me to go back to the Midwest. They are taking me off all my anti-rejection drugs except one because I am doing so well. He indicated I may be able to stop taking them altogether because "eventually the body stops fighting the new organ." He also opined several times in the last visit that he thinks my B virus will not return. And if it did? He has a plan with several other drugs available and more in the pipeline.

• The dogs are great and loving Arizona and being able to get back to where they were puppies on the weekend in Northern Arizona. Oz is sick today, though. I'm not sure what's up with him. He ate part of a ball last night and I'm afraid he may have a bit of a blockage. His ears are flat and he won't eat. So if you read this, say a little prayer for Ozzie. Romy continues to destroy about anything she can get her teeth on. Three separate shoes the other day, my briefcase a few days after that, a purse, the list goes on. She isn't liking me gone all day too much.

Yesterday I hit a morning meeting and sat next to my sponsor's husband, who has been in and out for about a year now relapsing. He took his 30 days yesterday and we joked a lot during the meeting. Several times he remarked, "I'm BACK!" I believe he is. We know when we're done, don't we?

Until I blog again, and I may from the seashore and let my pal blog a bit as well, thanks for checking in on me though I haven't been such a faithful blogger. You are important to my recovery.

ARCNA is going strong this weekend

I just came home from the first night of ARCNA. It is always such a good convention. The last time I went three years ago, I was dying and could barely make it from the car to go sit in a chair in the lobby. I remember the fear in my friend's faces as they looked at me and faced the realization that this might be the last time they saw me. I am so grateful today for my recovery and the second chance at life I've been given.

I saw a bunch of old friends tonight. One of my oldest friends left at the same time I did to head home and got pulled over by the police and given the roadside ballet because the officer thought his cigar smelled like marijuana. I think perhaps she needs a bit more training, what do you say?

I hope you are all well. I stay so busy I rarely blog anymore, but know that I check in on you all from time to time.

Barbara was here for a few days and left me a lovely gift--one of the beautiful beaded necklaces she makes. She is a great woman!

How are you treating the world?

This morning I went to a meeting and someone asked me how the world was treating me. Here's my view on it. It's not so much how the world is treating me, it's how I'm treating the world.

Those are my only words of wisdom today. Keep coming back.

Another great meeting

I was in a meeting the other day and I heard a women, who was taking her tag for three years, say, "Today I'm living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way."

That struck a chord in me. I can remember all the times that I drove home after an entire night out partying or whatever I was doing, watching the "squares" drive to work and thinking, "Jeez, what a bunch of losers!"

Of course, today I realize that I was afraid to fail so I never tried; I just preferred to hide behind my addiction and think, "The world just doesn't know how much potential I have!"

I am grateful today for the rooms where I can return to sanity on an almost daily basis. Last night at my home group the topic was "One day at a time." I know when I got here I could no more envision staying clean for my entire life than I could envision anything positive in my future. I truly thought I was destined to die a junkie. I couldn't grasp the concept of staying clean just for the present.

I am grateful that people loved me when I couldn't figure out how to stay clean one hour at a time, let alone one day at a time. Today, I believe in Grace.

My home group starts up again

Substitute: "Addict"

I am so excited and grateful. My home group, one of the oldest NA meetings in the area, which ended after many years after the club where it was housed burned down, is starting up again tonight after a several-year hiatus. The club has relocated to an area full of homeless people and while it won't be exactly the same, it will be wonderful for those of us who got clean there to reunite.

I am so grateful for what NA has given me. Tonight, I'm going to give something back.