Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Another day clean

but angry. I'm not sure, maybe it's because I spent about four hours in the past two days on software support with techs in India who wouldn't know their butt from their madras shirt. I found myself, late today, in a rage, terribly upset because I couldn't find the place I was supposed to get my hair done, then upset because she did a poor job.

Tonight was the last night of class and one of our classmates presented a PowerPoint presentation on aborted fetuses. Jeez, give me a break. If this is graduate level work, I must be dreaming. Even in college our instructors didn't let us present on abortion. It's too controversial and what can you say? You're either pro-choice or not and feathers always fly.

I went to my home group, but after I found myself right back in a snit. I'm feeling a lot of pressure. I'm sure it's about being back in the workforce and the magic word, fear. Will I be able to support myself? Will more jobs come in? It's probably all 3rd step stuff, but then, maybe it's time that I dive into that 4th my sponsor suggested.

I'm feeling like everything and everyone lets me down. I don't know what all this is about, just frustration and expectations, I guess. I read page (now) 419 on acceptance. I know that I can't change anything; that all is how it's supposed to be. But as I told a friend of mine who's going through similar feelings and getting advice from others that her faith is lacking, it's one thing to talk theoretically about fear when you're not the one in the barrel; it's another to walk through the fear to the other side.

I guess God hasn't brought me this far to abort me. I think, reflecting on this, that most of all, I have let myself down. Maybe that's the real one to forgive.

6 comments:

Syd said...

For me,I put pressure on myself and create the problem. I don't have to accept the stuff that others thrust on me unless I want to. If I do,that's when I get overwhelmed,angry and in a bad place. Knowing what my fears are through the fourth step inventory helped. I have greater awareness of when I'm sinking and can get a life raft now rather than drown.

lushgurl said...

Sounds like major suckage in your day huh? Will it help if I say "this too shall pass"?
I'm just sendin' ya lots of love today! HUGA

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

I heard somebody said, sometimes you need to lose yourself, before you can find anything...

Meg Moran said...

I think Lush is right on this one...that was alot of major suckage. Think about the important things in life on a day just a tad less stressfull.... ya know what I mean jellybean? (she said with a tolerant smile.............)

msb said...

Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Lounge Daddy said...

"in a snit"
I like those words. You have a cute way of putting things - even when you are having a crap-tacular day.

I hope you are doing better. Forgive yourself, and God will give you a hand with that. He wants to help you along.