Mel in treatment

Mel gives cops the finger

Mel Gibson's drunken tirade when he was arrested for a DUI the other night, where he blamed all wars on Jews, is causing a wave of "expert" reaction from quasi-alcoholism experts such as Chris Prentiss, the cofounder of Passages, Malibu's exclusive "celebrity treatment" center. Prentiss reports Gibson has checked into a treatment center that "follows the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step program." Prentiss direly predicts "that will not help him." He opines Gibson "needs individual intense therapy by a team of people who know what they are looking for in causes in alcoholism." Yeah, and Prentiss needs a few bucks.

The "expert" goes on to say "There are only four causes and it is one or more of those four causes that are causing him to be out of control. First, everyone who is using alcohol excessively has a chemical imbalance. The second is events of the past that we can not cope with like the loss of a loved one or it could be guilt. We may have done something years ago that we can't forgive ourselves for. The third one is current conditions we can't cope with like failing marriage or business of lack of respect. The last thing is things we believe that are not true. And in Mel's case I know one of them. He believes he has the disease of alcoholism which probably prevents from him from looking for the real reason why he drinks and alcoholism is not a disease. That is the current thinking today. Alcoholism is a symptom and we treat the underlining [sic] causes."

Passages' website says "There is hope through an entirely different approach to alcohol & drug rehab: alcohol and drugs are never the problem, but the solutions chosen by some to cope with their underlying conditions." Yeah, and people in Arkansas want to marry outside their family.

Wooh, boy! Now there's some dangerous thinking. Apparently Passages, with its bevy of Ph.Ds, "spiritual advisors" and an executive chef, makes a passel of money telling celebrities they aren't alcoholics and drug addicts. It sure would hurt Passages' financial interests if Prentiss told Mel, his Malibu neighbor, "Hey, why don't you go to AA and see what they say about the causes and conditions that cause you to drink, maybe right before you take Step One and admit you are an alcoholic. If you have problems with that concept, a sponsor can help you. He won't charge you for his time, either. Oh, yeah, while you're there be sure you throw $2 in the basket when it's passed." Nope, that would cut into Prentiss' hefty fees for a star-studded stay at Passages. But of course, if Gibson "owns Malibu" as he was reported to have said when arrested, he could check in for free, I suppose.

While the Star is a journalism joke, if you'd like to read the article here is the link: http://www.starmagazine.com/celebrity_news_gossip/star/9313. Also, check out Passages website and see if it's like any treatment center where you were ever graced the halls, marble threshold and all. Here's the website: http://www.passagesmalibu.com/. Notice its lovely, womb-like color, where they specialize in taking you back to the cause of your drinking and get so loaded you tell cops you're going to "f--- them," because you weren't breastfed!

Oh, I know, there's more than one way to skin a cat you might be thinking. Maybe this works for some people. Some people do seem to get clean and sober and stay that way, without 12-step meetings. Offhand, I can't think of anyone I know, but I have heard anecdotal reports that this happens. It usually, I believe, involves some sort of religious conversion experience.

I also know that the very wealthy may have a hard time relating to their AA and NA peers. I saw it just the other day with a very wealthy lawyer's wife here in my town who is having a difficult time finding meetings she likes. I, too, had a difficult time when I came in the doors relating to any of the women I heard share. Heck, my first sponsor was about ten years younger than me and looked like Gidget. I, on the other hand, looked like a member of the lesbian arm of the Weatherman with my mowed off, screaming red hair and a personality like a firecracker. With my first sponsor, it was the proverbial "I spilled more than she used." But somehow, I managed to get clean because people told me to look for the similarities, not the differences. Thank God for them, each and every one.

So until tomorrow, my loyal 159, keep coming back and don't forget to throw a few bucks in the basket. Unless of course, you prefer the marble thresholds of Passages and can sell your firstborn to finance it. If anyone wants your firstborn, that is.