Friday, December 29, 2006

Thank you, God

A few nights ago I spoke at my AA home group for my birthday, since we celebrate at the end of the month. When I was very ill and still almost psychotic from the prednisone prescribed after the transplant, several members of my home group took my inventory pretty viciously behind my back. (Don't you love the people who tell you?)
After discussing the issue with my sponsor, I did 10th steps with them (I to this day don't know what I did and they aren't talking). Although they still talk superficially with me, it's clear that whatever I did or said or asked of them at the time has altered the tenor of these relationships. I've done all I can to clean up my side of the street so I am powerless over that change. If I ask and am willing and others still won't tell me how I've offended them, I believe that's the end of my story. I've done all I can to clean up the street and I can't keep carrying the guilt.

Having said all this, when I spoke Wednesday, several of my home group members hung their heads and avoided eye contact with me. It really threw me and what should have been a joyous occasion was very uncomfortable for me.

There is a gift in every "bad" event that happens in my life. As a result of being judged so harshly by these members, I can no longer judge others harshly. That is the "Thank you, God," in this affair.

Almost without exception in my recovery when I've gone through hard times or behaved badly for almost any reason, I've received love and tolerance from other members. That I'm not receiving it from two or three members and receiving it from dozens of others, which should I focus on?

I know what my sponsor will tell me: "Pray for them." I've answered my own question. Today, when something I perceive as "bad" occurs, I say "Thank you, God!"


Pam said...

ouch it hurts my heart when anyone in an AA room behaves less than supportive. Having said that, I was told early on that some of the sickest people in the world walk thru our doors, and we should not be surprised when they act out that sickness.

vicariousrising said...

I hope someday I can turn around a situation like you did and see the good in it. I'm not there yet. I would still be both kicking myself for whatever I did wrong and indignant for the people not forgiving me. No win set up, I know, but I still do dumb things like this. Just writing it makes me feel like an idiot. I hope next time I am confronted with people being less supportive, I will remember your example and how immature I just sounded to myself.