Tuesday, December 05, 2006

There's no excitement in my life today . . .

thank God! I went to my favorite noon meeting yesterday, and despite the snow and the nippy weather, it was pretty well attended. Everyone seemed to be in the gratitude mode, maybe because most had been snowed in for a few days and were happy to get out. The sun was shining, snow was dropping off my car in huge chunks that I thought would break my windshield or dent my hood, and ice was the order of the day, anyway. Thank God for snow shoes because the dogs have pulled me down stairs and across driveways before with slick shoes on. They think they are sled dogs, apparently.

The meeting was very good; one of the members began by talking about how grateful he was that the Four Horsemen -- Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration and Despair -- from Chapter 11 of the Big Book "A Vision for You" -- were gone from his life today. His reminder literally sent chills down my spine.

I remember having DTs once when I was very young, probably 19 or so. I was staying at my parents' house in the lower level where my grandmother used to live when she was alive. I was lying in a single bed in a dark room, perhaps trying to sleep, I'm not sure, but I do know that I was very, very ill with the disease that eventually destroyed my liver. Despite being told by my doctor that I could not drink until I recovered, if ever again, I was still drinking heavily, mainly because I couldn't get my hands on my drug of choice.

I remember lying in that dark room and seeing the face of my grandmother, but she was a witch, terrorizing me. Then the spiders came and I don't know which was worse. I have no idea how long I lay like that, too terrified to move, maybe hours, maybe a day. Thank God I never, one day at a time, have to experience that sheer terror again.

The meeting was great and when it was over, I drove to the vet's to pick up the goombahs. They were delirous and ran straight for the truck as if to say "You ain't getting out of here without us!" I took them into an adjacent farm field and they ran in the 14 - or so - inch deep snow in joyful leaps. It must be genetic in German shepherds, that love of snow.

Last night I was exhausted so my s/o and I just sat on the couch watching Animal Planet and I drifted in and out of sleep. Traveling really tires me out now. I had a wonderful time in Phoenix, as I always do, but it is good to be home, home to a man who loves me probably more than I love myself at this point, which is slightly uncomfortable at times.

Working with the women fresh off the streets last week really put me face-to-face with my reluctance to get close to anyone. I saw reflected in those hard, hard young faces the need, so deep, for unconditional love. But their ability to shut down their feelings, their reluctance to admit that anything was wrong in their lives, made me realize that I too, when I used, survived by believing the rest of the world was crazy. If my parents, the police and anyone who cared about me would just leave me alone and let me use, which wasn't hurting anyone but me, I believed, then everything would be fine.

As one of the members said in the meeting yesterday, "There's no excitement in my life today, thank God!" I've had enough excitement to last a lifetime.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

great post. i enjoyed reading that. i too see my stuff in other people. if it weren't for them i don't think i would ever be able to get enough objectivity about my own conditions. all the damaged people i meet are great teachers. I too have difficulty trusting and letting people 'in'. I dont think this stuff ever really ends, there will always be one more mountain to climb. but i thank god that aa gives me a place to raise my spirits and find a loving fellowship to support me while i do this work. you just got to keep plugging away untill it changes!