Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Another good meeting

Today's topic was from a daily reading, that drinking cuts us off from our God. This was a great meeting; as one member said about half-way through, "AA coals are burning today!" God was the topic, and our chronic relapser was there, up and down during the meeting, crying, a mess, basically, still in the "My life is so much worse than all yours! I drink and cry then I drink some more." She still lacks that one essential ingredient without which we cannot get clean and sober: willingness.

Our local priest was there, who shared about the power of God (and the local police department) helping him to decide maybe he did have a problem with booze. The entire meeting the topic stayed focused on one thing -- a Higher Power as we understand Him.

I remember my sponsor I had when I lived in LA, Lillie M., shared with me that her sponsor often said one thing when Lillie called with a problem. Lillie would say something along the lines of "I have to talk to you!" and her sponsor would say, "God is the answer; now what was the question?"

Of course, I don't think as newcomers we get that concept, do you? So many of us get here so tweaked and having so much negativity towards what we perceive as God (usually a church lurks there somewhere!), that there's just no way we can grasp that concept. It takes many of us years before we get comfortable with our God.

I know, though, after slogging along this twisted path for 22 years now, that indeed, no matter what the problem, my God has been the answer. Very often, His answer is "Wait!" I rarely like that answer, do you?

I know that I have a disease of bad attitude; my desire to drink or use is long, long gone. But what I sometimes still have is a bad attitude, the "F--- it" attitude I walked in here with often rears its head, even today, even when I know that with my behavior, I'm going to pay a price. Sometimes, though, I feel powerless over doing that next right thing.

My life today is still plugging along much as it was this time last year. I'm still recovering from my transplant; I still am looking for a job, although more and more it becomes clear to me that I will never be happy working for anyone again; I'm not sure how much farther along I am in my relationship than we were last year at this time, although we fight less; I still write all my checks the last week of the month then wonder how I'm going to get through the next three weeks until more money trickles in; and I still, despite being acutely aware of my defects, still have some, that's for sure.

Despite all this, I know that God's divine plan for me is working in my life far beyond my wisdom. So I stay clean, keep putting one foot in front of the other, continue to work with others, and go to meetings. Everything else will come in God's time.


lushgurl said...

Do our defects of character ever really go away? Or do we just learn to recognize them more quickly?
I love that the answer is always with God, although I am totally with you in that I want the answers quicker than He wants to show them to me!!!

Meg Moran said...

this post reminds me of the one Kenny just did on Roots Radical...reflecting back over the last decade. It is so good that both of you remind us that this is a process, not a point in time, and we just keep trusting the process.

No our defects do not go away....yes we become more aware of them. As we do the steps and learn the spiritual principles behind each one we start having an awareness of THAT WHICH NO LONGER SERVES US. In other words, that which no longer brings us closer to God. Then we start to know the answers we are looking for. It isn't that God was not giving us the answers, we just weren't receiving them yet.

SCoUt said...

I am learning more and more all the time just what a JOURNEY this is.
And I am grateful on a daily, that you are on it with me....