Another good meeting

Today's topic was from a daily reading, that drinking cuts us off from our God. This was a great meeting; as one member said about half-way through, "AA coals are burning today!" God was the topic, and our chronic relapser was there, up and down during the meeting, crying, a mess, basically, still in the "My life is so much worse than all yours! I drink and cry then I drink some more." She still lacks that one essential ingredient without which we cannot get clean and sober: willingness.

Our local priest was there, who shared about the power of God (and the local police department) helping him to decide maybe he did have a problem with booze. The entire meeting the topic stayed focused on one thing -- a Higher Power as we understand Him.

I remember my sponsor I had when I lived in LA, Lillie M., shared with me that her sponsor often said one thing when Lillie called with a problem. Lillie would say something along the lines of "I have to talk to you!" and her sponsor would say, "God is the answer; now what was the question?"

Of course, I don't think as newcomers we get that concept, do you? So many of us get here so tweaked and having so much negativity towards what we perceive as God (usually a church lurks there somewhere!), that there's just no way we can grasp that concept. It takes many of us years before we get comfortable with our God.

I know, though, after slogging along this twisted path for 22 years now, that indeed, no matter what the problem, my God has been the answer. Very often, His answer is "Wait!" I rarely like that answer, do you?

I know that I have a disease of bad attitude; my desire to drink or use is long, long gone. But what I sometimes still have is a bad attitude, the "F--- it" attitude I walked in here with often rears its head, even today, even when I know that with my behavior, I'm going to pay a price. Sometimes, though, I feel powerless over doing that next right thing.

My life today is still plugging along much as it was this time last year. I'm still recovering from my transplant; I still am looking for a job, although more and more it becomes clear to me that I will never be happy working for anyone again; I'm not sure how much farther along I am in my relationship than we were last year at this time, although we fight less; I still write all my checks the last week of the month then wonder how I'm going to get through the next three weeks until more money trickles in; and I still, despite being acutely aware of my defects, still have some, that's for sure.

Despite all this, I know that God's divine plan for me is working in my life far beyond my wisdom. So I stay clean, keep putting one foot in front of the other, continue to work with others, and go to meetings. Everything else will come in God's time.