Organizing

Thank heavens for friends. Just when I was becoming almost totally overwhelmed by the boxes and mess around my house from this move from hell, two of my girlfriends came over to help. Yesterday my friend worked me like a loaned-out mule and we got every room organized. That's right, I am officially no longer tripping over boxes, I found the space to mop the floor, and we organized all the pictures to be hung today. Today, another friend came over and we hung pictures. Tonight, I am exhausted.

But I still made time for a meeting. Tonight's speaker was celebrating her 13th birthday and had a simple but moving story. Her bottom was my top, but that just goes to show that it isn't the amount of substances we used, but the feelings those substances caused in us that makes us candidates for recovery.

I'm heading off to bed. Tomorrow is Martin Luther King day, and for me, I say, "Thank God almighty. Because of NA, I am truly free at last."

Another Saturday night

I went to a meeting this morning and I've been hitting a few meetings since I've been here. I enjoy them, but I have to say that I miss my small Missouri meetings. Most of the meetings here are huge. I hear from my old home group members (one of them is in the hospital after a bad car wreck) and my other Missouri friends, but tonight it hit me--I am in the big city and I'm feeling very alone.

I know it's all going to work out, but today has been kind of rough. Tomorrow, I'm sure, will be better. I forgot to say, I got my grades from last semester, A, A, A-plus. Yippee. It's amazing what you can do when you're clean.

What "wall"?

It's so neat to be back home. I keep running into people at meetings who were around when I got clean or came long enough ago that I know them from my various times living here in the past. Last night after a good speaker meeting several of us went out to eat. Our group chose Italian and went to this great restaurant where the calzones are so big they look like some sea creature washed ashore.

I saw an old friend who came in the rooms about the same time as me and has had several periods of lengthy clean time. I asked her how she was doing and she responded, "Not well." She'd relapsed again. Over dinner, we discussed what happened this time. "You know," she said, "I got two-and-a-half years clean this time and I just 'hit that wall.'"

No, I guess I don't know. I've hit a lot of walls in recovery. However, at none of these walls did I choose to pick up a drink or a drug: I chose to go over the wall to meetings and, sometimes, make a complete ass of myself by blathering on about how screwed up my life was. I chose to call my sponsor and work a Step. I chose, instead of using, to stay in bed all day with the covers pulled over my head (that works for awhile). I chose to work with a newcomer when my ass was falling off. I chose talk to others to help me stop feeling terminally unique and to get in the middle of the pack. In short, I chose recovery.

In early clean time, I wasted a lot of time speculating. "What if my dad died, could I stay clean then?" He did and I did. "What if my engagement was broken off in a most humiliating way?" It was, and I did. "What if my Mom died? Surely that would be the ultimate excuse to use." She did and I stayed clean. "What if I lost my dog?" Dallas dog died. I wept, I wailed, but I did not use. "What if I got very ill and faced death?" I did, and I stayed clean. "What if I got fired?" I was, and I didn't have to use. In fact, I started my own business just the spite the dumb shits.

This doesn't make me better than anyone else; perhaps it only makes me more stubborn. However, I haven't had to pick up for many years and I can't even think what would cause me to use. Staying clean is a daily, sometimes more frequent, decision, plain and simple.

This particular gal's job for many years has been in the health care field, which puts her in touch with narcotics. On the one hand, she makes a lot of money. Her house is paid off, she proudly showed me her new car in the parking lot after the meeting, she runs her own business; from all outward signs, she is doing well. But I remember the type addict she was, a street hustler, and I remember her dragging back into meetings weighing 100 pounds and looking like death. Maybe she needs to remember that, too. Perhaps a career change is in order? Personally, I'd rather be alive and a whole lot broker and clean than driving a new convertible.

I'm preaching to the choir, I'm sure, but this is a simple, not easy, Program that tells us simply this: We don't use if our butt falls off. Mine has been severely dragging many times in my recovery, but by the Grace of a Higher Power and the tools of the Program, I haven't had to use in a long, long while.

Stick around for the miracle, won't you?

Another meeting

Barbara and I went to a women's meeting tonight that started in my living room about 22 or 23 years ago. The meeting was originally entitled "Eve Goes Straight," but someone along the line someone got some spiritual principles and renamed it after I'd moved away. I always loved the original name, though. It's proof that sometimes poor motives yield good results (although rarely).

The meeting had moved to a women's halfway house and it was crammed with women, mainly newcomers. We enjoyed the meeting then went and had Japanese food. It's great to be back in a city big enough to have all sorts of ethnic foods at all hours of the night.

My first day at work went well. In tonight's tenth step, I won't have much to say "I'll do better tomorrow" about. That is always a blessing and growth for me, one day at a time.

Until later, take it easy but take it, because people are giving it away in meetings all over the world. And it's free.

Happy New Year!

As I sit at my computer and change my manual calendar over to a new year, I am grateful. There are probably tens of emotions swirling right now due to all the recent change in my life, but gratitude tops the list. I glanced at my Yahoo home page this morning and saw prominent clicks for hangover cures. Today, and hopefully one day at a time, I have no need of a cure.

Barbara from northern Arizona is here visiting and we went to the NA New Year's Eve function. She is still sleeping now; she sleeps a lot these days. I remember how badly I felt in those months running up to my transplant, which happened quickly, and I can really feel her pain. Remember her in your prayers, because as the speaker last night said, there are no powers greater than the love our Fellowship has for each other and prayer.

Tomorrow I start a new job and for that, I'm grateful. It will be fun and challenging to have coworkers again. I said in a meeting a few weeks ago that it's easy to sit in meetings and talk spirituality when you don't have to deal with going to work each day. In my recovery, that has been the greatest challenge I've faced, practicing these principles in all my working affairs. Oh yes, relationships, too.

2dogs are enjoying the Arizona sun and their huge back yard. I was able to find a place via Craig's List 1500 miles away that is perfect for me. The house I was going to rent fell through and my attitude was, as it should always be, "God has something better for me." He did. This is a good neighborhood, I'm 13 miles from work and right near the two major freeways I use. It's all good.

I'm missing my Missouri friends, but we call each other frequently and I know I will return to visit. I couldn't have said that a few years ago, but the past 18 months I spent there I met so many wonderful people that I know I'll go back. And who doesn't want to visit Arizona?

Well, enough about my puny life. Remind me to tell you the two near tragedies I avoided on the trip here and yesterday. Two close encounters that reminded me: My angels work overtime!

Happy New Year. Take 2008 one day or one minute at a time, and you can stay clean!

The 1st Step

You can do it! Try again!

Most addicts agree--the first step is the most important one we do, because without it, we are destined to reinvestigate our powerlessness. I'm back in Arizona and very grateful to be here, but missing my friends in Missouri.

I have grave misgivings about keeping my blog since some anonymous twit is using it to try to hurt people I care for. So I'm not sure how much longer I'll be blogging, but in the meantime, I am doing well and am glad to hear from those of you who have long supported my blog.

Until I blog again, take that first step seriously. It's a big one!

Happy birthday to me

I once again have power and am trying to cram for a final that was postponed from Monday night. The ice is melting, I am trying to pack and also trying to celebrate my 23rd clean date. It's all good and I am so grateful for staying clean all these years when so many, who may work better programs than me, do not.

Until I blog again, take it one day at a time.

Waiting for the ice storm

In a few hours, the year's first ice storm will be here in Missouri. It doesn't sound like it will be too bad, but a day or so in the house won't kill me. I've almost finished my finals, 3 research papers and am so glad to be through with the semester. Of course, moving means I'll probably have to transfer to another school, but right now I'm not worrying about that. It will all fall into place.

There's a process I go through when I'm moving from one place to another and perhaps the ice storm comes at a good time. Wherever I've lived in my life and especially in recovery, I've made many friends. But it's always hard to leave one place for another, even if, as in this case, I'm truly going home. As I listen to my friends and in this case my significant other (at least he's significant to me) talk about my leaving, I find I have to allow them to have their feelings and honor their sadness but suppress my own. There is simply no way right now I can process it.

It's not that I don't feel sad to be leaving, but I also feel like it's time, so that makes it easier. The hours I spent packing and sorting and donating give me ample time to process my feelings. This is what I have to do for my own serenity, this taking a job thing. And that means going to Arizona.

As we look back on how we've handled things, we can always, as my dad used to say, play "Monday morning quarterback." In retrospect, there were things I should have seen that I perhaps did glimpse but thought, "Oh, it will be different than that," or "We can work through that." Relationships are hard, there's no other way to say it. I wish I had done some things better, that's for sure.

I have a few hours before the ice storm starts, so I'd better head out to the store to buy food. Lately I haven't been cooking. Until I blog again, may your heart be light and your recovery easy.

Check out this site

Improve your vocabulary and feed a hungry world. It's fun.

Arizona here I come

With some mixed feelings, of course, I am heading back to Arizona. I was offered a job that will allow me to keep doing some of my other work and with great benefits. I'm just tired of the struggle of health insurance hassles and this just fell into my lap, practically. So, about the 20th I'm heading out.

I haven't had time to blog with finals and packing, but hopefully once I get there, I'll have more to talk about. I'm looking forward to see Ms. Barbara and all my old NA friends, who are excited about my return, or so they say.

Two dogs are getting anxious. They seem to know something's up. Maybe it's all the moving boxes? Until later, take care. It's all good.

Romy eats the hammock

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but Romy seemed to delight in eating the corner of the hammock, so she had to lie on a quilt. Luckily, she survived. She is a canine disaster, but what can you do?

I had a great time in Phoenix, a job offer and a few decisions to make. More later.

Haven't blogged in awhile

I guess life happens, because I've noticed I'm not the only blogger not blogging. I'm heading to Phoenix tomorrow for five days. God has put a career option in my path and I'm exploring it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do; I'll know if and when an offer is made. Do the next right thing; that's my motto.

One of my sponslings with just over 90 days clean had a terrible loss--her father was hit by a car, brain damaged and removed from life support. She not only stayed clean through this terrible event, she grew closer to her mother, experienced tremendous gratitude over the fact that she was clean before he died, and in short, has just blossomed. God is great, isn't he? The Fellowship of NA was there right beside her the entire time with cards, phone calls, at the funeral, walking her through it. It surely made my love of the Fellowship grow even more, if that's possible.

The woman I have blogged about several times with whom I had a great deal of conflict but who helped me tremendously when I was ill died of bone cancer Friday. She had a short but such brave path to death, it was truly inspiring. One of the women she sponsored was having a meltdown over her death with her and she stopped her in her tracks by saying, "I'm spiritually fit." That's the real acid test, isn't it?

We had several great talks together before she died, so I am at peace with it. Early in recovery my friend Jeff T. said his rule of thumb in relationships is that if it's standing between me and the other person, then I have to talk with them about it. I've learned that if I want to try to preserve a friendship, that's the only way to go, as uncomfortable as it may be. I'm just glad I was at peace with our friendship when she passed.

I'm heading out to one of my recovery sister's 50th birthday party. Then it's off to drop two dogs at the boarding place. I hate that. I bought Romy a bone shaped Coleman hammock. She thinks she's going camping. Woo HOO!

Until I blog again, take care and stay clean. It's easier that way.

In Chicago

I'm here for a conference, but I've hit several NA meetings and it's been fun. This is such a great city to get around in, trains, buses, taxis.

The meetings here are pretty big, but also friendly. I've enjoyed myself, but I'm heading home tonight and I'll be glad to get there.

Dinner tonight?

A good friend of mine (I used to sponsor her) had a baby last week, as I mentioned on my blog. I was watching a show half heartedly yesterday as I worked, which was on post-partum depression. I didn't realize how severe this can be.

Many of us, from years of fiddling around with our brains, have damaged our mood patterns, at least that is my opinion. So it wouldn't surprise me that with all the hormones of pregnancy then childbirth and its stressors (she's breastfeeding so she's up every two hours), that my friend would be a bit freaked out. Another thing, her mother lives in another country and she isn't in touch with her, so she doesn't really have a nuclear family to help.

So my friend Lisa and I are taking over dinner for the family tonight. It's an easy dinner: chili, my world famous (the dogs think so, anyway) zucchini bread , and a salad. My friend Lisa is making cornbread so we'll have fun seeing the baby, eating, and having a few laughs.

I am also making time to call her every few days just to check on her: not so much to be a bother, but enough to let her know we care.

Until I blog again, I just wanted to share how good it feels today to think of someone beside me! I may not be much, but I'm all I usually think about!

My best thinking got me here

A blog post today got me thinking, which is not always a good thing. This post had a quote from poet Charles Baudelaire, "a vice is natural, while virtue is artificial because it calls for us to restrain our natural instinct ..."

I was watching Dexter the other night, the sociopathic serial murderer (is that redundant?) who believes he was born evil. His father, when Dexter was young, told him to "Think of your immediate reaction, then say the opposite" when Dexter was trying to pass a psychological profile test. Doing this, he passed.

I've been clean awhile, but I find that sometimes my immediate thinking is just wrong. If I acted on it, I'd have been in big trouble long ago. You'd think after years in recovery, that "wrong" thinking would go away.

Case in point. I had about ten years clean and I was at an ATM behind a person who used the ATM then left his card. I walked up, took the card, then didn't know what to do. The person with me looked at me like I was crazy, took the card from my hand, and yelled after the man, "Hey, you forgot your card." My mind was wondering what to do, what was the right thing to do, I mean, take the card and use it or...?

I'll admit, today I would know what to do, but I still have to think sometimes. In many cases, my thinking is just flat wrong.

A woman flamed me professionally the other day on a list I belong to because I said something that was incorrect. My first instinct was to flame her back. Instead, I did two things. First, I wrote her a pretty decent letter telling her I felt impelled to write because she embarrassed me in front of my professional peers and it hurt my feelings. (I won't mail it.) Then, I found her phone number via her email address and called her and asked her to call me.

People often behave ignorantly, and most of the time it's best to let it slide. But in this case, I really felt like I had to tell her how I felt. It was about how I felt, not about her behavior, if you get the difference.

She emailed me immediately and apologized, saying she was having a bad day and just after she pressed the send button she regretted it. This kept me from stewing about the situation.

I am not yet well, but I'm a darn site better than I was. Progress is a beautiful thing. It's a great fall day and I'm heading out. Until then, be safe. And don't flame people.

NA members please complete membership survey

For anyone who is interested and has not taken the time to do the survey, the link is below.

NA members last completed an anonymous survey in 2003 at the world convention in San Diego , CA . We would like to update the information to more accurately reflect our membership today. The information we gather from the survey helps professionals see NA in a more realistic manner and helps to dispel old myths about our membership. It is our desire to have professionals who refer addicts to NA along with family members and the general public to view Narcotics Anonymous as a viable, credible program of choice for recovery.

We hope to capture a better picture of our global membership by posting the survey online not just distributing it to those who attend a world convention. We want to encourage you and your friends to complete this anonymous survey. You can help us to more accurately reflect the demographics of the worldwide fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. This survey will be online until 31 October 2007 at http://naws.org/surveys/index.php?sid=1 . We thank you for your efforts in completing the survey as well as informing other members to complete it. And, remember, please complete only one survey.

Thank you for allowing us to serve.
NA World Services

Beautiful day on the Osage River

We took off today in my boyfriend's bass boat and drove up the Osage River into the Missouri then into Loose Creek. In Loose Creek, hoards of flying carp crashed into the boat, scaring me out of my seat and into the floor of the boat. I didn't know fish could fly.

These pics show some of the leaves changing and the bottom picture is a beaver dam. We also saw two herons and a bald eagle.

Then I hit my home group so my day was complete.

Things change quickly

When things change, they tend to change quickly, it always seems to me. From the time I was little, I hated change. I realized in my early high school years that my best friend at the time, with whom I could share every detail of my oh so dramatic (I thought) life, was not always going to be my best friend. And I didn't like it.

"But you'll have a new best friend," she pointed out to me when I raised this dilemma with her.

"But I want you!" I wailed mournfully, coming down from a day-long, ditch-school and trip- through-Phoenix acid extravaganza. Of course, I soon left home and have had several best friends since then. And I lived through the changes.

When life changes today, I am now realizing that God is offering me a handpicked opportunity for growth. I may not like it much, because I am a person most comfortable rooted in my past, even if that past is painful. So I try to focus on the future and its possibilities.

Until I blog again, I hope you have a great day.

The sponsorship tree, or high school revisited

I am going to vent and share my experience, strength and hope (and my opinion) with something I see going on in my area as well as what I've seen in a few other areas. That is the NA cliches.
.
In the year between eighth grade and high school I started using to fit in somewhere. When I came to NA, I quickly found a group of people who loved me and put up with my two years of the revolving door syndrome; but there were plenty of people who shunned me, I mean flat out even were rude to me, laughed at me with others, and in short thought I was a flake. Most of them aren't clean today. They were the movers and shakers in the area and at region. I clearly remember when I worked at the World Service Office and some of these regional representatives came over for Conference, they excluded me from their lunches and dinners, and boy, that felt like crap.

It's true, we don't have to like everyone we meet in the rooms or make the decision to hang out with them. But we should extend an atmosphere of love and tolerance and at least feign interest in newcomers when they are at meetings, in my opinion.

Last weekend our area, which is actually three cities about 60 miles apart and the area in between, held a picnic in the largest city, halfway between my city and the city 60 miles away. I grabbed a newcomer who was going through a rough time and was driving everyone crazy and drove up for the picnic.

I'd never been to this park, and when I got there, it was huge. We drove through the park for half an hour and never did find the meeting. No one had bothered to put up a sign, in my way of thinking because this particular portion of NA is so proud of its cliquishness it just overlooked that anyone who wasn't part of the 'in crowd' wouldn't recognize the vehicles. Not such a great message to show the newcomer.

But wait, there's more. There is much talk in this bigger town of "sponsorship trees." I hear often, usually from newcomers, "Oh, she's in my sponsorship tree," or "He's my grand sponsor."

Today one of the big NA cliches is having a BBQ for everyone in several "sponsorship trees," which means that much of the area, especially newcomers, are excluded. Now I don't know how to fix that or if we need to fix that, but I do think this: This was not the intent of sponsorship.

So I've had my vent for the day and look forward to your input. I preach the gospel of "Who put you in charge of that," so I don't talk about this except in my blog and with my sponsor, who would never condone this type of activity. I think it's high school thinking to exclude people from gatherings because they aren't "a branch in your tree." What do you think?

I've got to be ME!

Meet Schatz; she's Oz' half sister on their sire's side, Bastin. Isn't she a ham? To visit her mom, a fellow recovery blogger, click here!

I met Schatz' mom when she googled Schatz' sire's name, and she found me. She's in recovery, too. Shatz is with her in Illinois.