The passing parade

I went to a meeting a few nights ago determined I was not going to say one word. I was just going to listen because I had my undies in a twist over some incidents that have occurred over the past few weeks with fellowship members. There was a young man, however, that opened the meeting when the leader asked for a topic and what he said, well, it might as well have been me speaking.

He was upset with gossip and the lack of anonymity that he was encountering in meetings and among the Fellowship. He talked about his unwillingness to go to meetings, although to his credit, there he sat last night, at a meeting. He also talked, at only nine months clean, of the need for vigilance. Although he probably hasn't internalized this, at this point in his recovery, as with about anyone in early clean-time, he is simply "talking the talk" while still learning to "walk the walk."

But vigilance, as I've said before in this blog, is what it takes to keep coming back. We must be vigilant, defined by Webster's "keenly watchful to detect danger." Sometimes danger is hanging out with old friends, but the longer we stay clean, the more subtle the danger may become.

Danger can parade as a variety of things such as

** Slipping away from meeting attendance;
**Self-hatred;
** Experiencing feelings of shame so deep-seated we may not even be aware we're acting out of those feelings;
**Relationships placed before our recovery;
**Success, oddly enough, which may detract us from our primary purpose, staying clean and sober or allow us to convince ourselves that we've somehow overcome the need to work a program;
**Anger, especially as my friend from Old Shoe Bill says, "justifiable anger, the best kind";
**Loneliness, feeling not a part of the group;
the list could go on and on.

When I feel like I was feeling, I am hyper-vigilant. At this stage in my recovery, it's not about wanting to drink or use. It's about soul sickness so deep that there's only two cures: the final solution or God. God often speaks through others, my sponsor, friends, at meetings. So I know that when I feel this dis-ease that I had felt for the better part of the week, I needed to hit more meetings and to reach out to others. And pray. As my former sponsor's sponsor used to say, "God is the answer. Now what was your question?"

If I don't remain vigilant, as one recovering addict who meant a great deal to many in the early Phoenix NA Fellowship said, I'm eligible to become one of the "passing parade," those who show up for awhile and then fade off into the sunset.

Yesterday at a meeting we were talking about the eight step, and in the 12 & 12 it says basically that we "take what we have learned [in our previous steps] about ourselves to forge the best possible relationships with those around us." Right relationships with others seems to be my major dilemma.

I've come to a bittersweet revelation this week; bittersweet because realizing a non-so-nice truth about ourselves is bitter, but also sweet with the possibility of surrender of this defect. I've accepted that my nature, unchecked, is to be impatient, judgmental and angry. This is a big chunk of truth and hard to swallow. But with this knowledge, accepting it as truth, I can now move forward out of the problem and into the solution.

I've been quiet for a few days, cautiously peaking my head out, because it was definitely my "turn in the barrel." There is light out there today and I'm grateful.