ADHD

Anyone who suffers from Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, and I mean suffers because having it really impacts one's life negatively, despite all the cute little jokes we say about ourselves to help shield us from the shame we feel, may get a kick out of today's entry. If you don't have it, you can read this and add that fact to your gratitude list.

I am trying to tie up loose ends before I leave tomorrow, which is to say 1) my office is a mess and 2) laundry needs doing before I can pack and 3) I have to deal with various computer hassles before I leave and 4) there's always people and 2dogs who need some time before I leave.

I went to church this morning determined to come home afterwards and organize the mess in my office. But first, I needed to send for Oz' papers to get a copy of his registration, which of course is in Arizona although I now am in Missouri. That makes sense, doesn't it? Recall that two-thirds of what I own has been away from wherever I am for about two years (except for six months where I unpacked everything only to pack it back up and put it back in storage.)

I've asked the woman I bought Oz from for his registration number at least five times and she keeps blowing me off. I'm not sure what that's all about except that's her problem, although she's making it mine. So I emailed the AKC about two weeks ago and they emailed me his registration number. Certain that I had written it down, I must have deleted their email (although I have emails on my computer dating back months that should be deleted) and despite searching my computer, all the hundreds of papers on my desk and everywhere I could have written his number down, alas, it is gone.

So I have to email the AKC again which of course will take another week before I can get it and order his papers. Not to mention I had his pedigree in my hand as I cleaned my office and now, although I've gone through every place I could have put it and every file I filed things in, is nowhere to be found. I feel like crying.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. This is daily how my life shapes up. I can't find anything, I keep things I don't need, I throw away things I do need as I try in vain to get organized, well, I could go on for about two hours. I really just want to go crawl in a hole somewhere and forget everything, the dogs, the trip, packing, the whole enchilada.

Having ADD is like living in almost total chaos most, if not all, of the time. I have read books, gone to a therapist, tried medication which I couldn't tolerate, worked the steps on it, and alas, it's still here and it's still making my life unmanageable. We all know that old saying that "If nothing changes nothing changes," right? Well, nothing has changed since I've been a tiny kid and labeled a "troublemaker" by my wonderful Catholic teachers because I couldn't sit still.

There, I am done venting. I feel better now. Until the next time I can find my computer under a mountain of paperwork I probably will never need, take care.